PB&J gluten free nonsense

I've got a bad feeling about this.

Product: Gluten Free Bites: PB&J
Origin: Proudly made in Michigan (according to the bag. I'd think Michigan is more proud of Robocop and the car industry but I guess these balls are full of Michigan pride too)

First looks

Katie:
Oh boy, the Non-GMO project. I did a report on them for one of my college courses. Want to know who is on their board? Crunchy natural food store owners and other people with a vested monetary interest in pushing people to shop at their stores. Know who is not on the board? Anyone with a scientific or medical background. If you really want to avoid food that has been tampered with in any way, just drink water because literally every food you are ever going to eat is not in its "natural" form. Humans have been futzing with our food since we figured out which hole it goes into.  Anyway, and I'm sorry to the people who can't eat gluten and thus also delicious spaghetti, this is going to be gross. It's going to be dry with a weird texture and taste like a butt made out of paper towels.

PS Thanks to Brenda for the tip that there were some good snacks to find at the Burlington Coat Factory.

Nick:
Yeah, thanks, Brenda. I'm so happy we got that tip right now. I'm the one who grabbed these off the shelf at Burlington Coat Factory, and I'm really regretting it right now. I don't even like good peanut butter and jelly sandwiches; what chance do these monstrosities have? I think this is the first item I've really been scared to try. I knew I wasn't going to like some of the peach or strawberry items, but they didn't fill me with dread the way this does. It doesn't help that they're supposed to be peanut shaped, but when I took one out to take a picture Katie yelled "It's a balls!!!!" (as in testicles). Also, they somehow smell like wilted lettuce??? I'm really scared right now, you guys. If this is our last blog update, we died or were turned into monsters eating gluten-free bites. (On the very small upside, the bag proudly yells there's no dairy. How I've been waiting for a dairy free peanut butter and jelly testicle!)

Post-bite thoughts

See how it glistens so!

Katie:
All I can taste is nuts. Nuts just all up in my mouth. It's dry and I feel like they were going for the sweet PB&J taste but it's just bad. Just...bleck.
I feel like these might have actually been really good if the recipe had just been improved somehow and didn't have such a...grossness to them. It's not as bad as some other gluten free stuff (looking at you, cardboard-tasting mush monstrosity of a gluten-free muffin) I've at from other stores but it's not very good. Not being a chef, I couldn't tell you how these could be improved as far as technique or ingredients--how bout adding some taste next time though, bro--but...these could have been good. Why do gluten allergy people have to suffer with such bad food? Isn't the fact they can't enjoy Italian anymore enough? I mean, jeez. That's like puppy kicker level punishment right there.

Nick:

PLEASE INGEST THIS DELICIOUS EXTRUSION
FELLOW EARTH HUMAN

God in Heaven. These are so, so bad. Like, I thought they were going to be horrible, then I pried one apart to see the weird "jelly" inside, and I thought they were going to be super horrible, then I took a bite.... it's not good, dude. Words kind of fail me. The texture is disgusting and chewy and icky and sticks to your teeth. The peanut outer part isn't too bad because it doesn't taste like anything, but the inside... I feel like this product was made by aliens trying to trick people into eating some kind of substance they extrude and then a week later you wake up and you're an alien and you have to go down to the ol' extruding pit to make more of these and the only reason humanity hasn't succumbed yet is because these are revolting and only wise-ass snack review bloggers are buying them. I'm going to go eat a bunch of sour watermelon slices to try and get the taste out of my mouth. I did not like these.