Green goo bar

whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

Product: Soft Nougat Pistaschio
Origin: Italy

First looks

Katie:
This looks like an eraser with nuts jammed in it. I know I'm the one that grabbed this for it to become Future Katie's problem, but now I AM Future Katie. I'm not looking forward to taking a swab of this to put in my mouth. This is the weird goo CSI and Bones are always scrapped off of things at murder scenes with the science Q-Tips. "Get this to Dr. Hodgins," I can hear Bones say. Next commercial break, Grissom will peer at it intently with his frowny beard and dad puns (j/k Grissom, I love ya).
Bust our your luminol, everyone.

Nick:
What even is this thing? Nougat? This looks like a prop on a really cheap sci-fi movie where one writer is like "They're in SPACE, they can't eat EARTH food," and everyone groans and is like shit, he's right, and the propmaster bellows GET THE NOUGAT!
Texture aside - and I'm afraid that's going to be a big aside - it smells okay, so... might taste good? Katie hates nuts, so I think I'm going to be eating most of this, a prospect that is not exactly filling me with excitement. Also, I just looked over at her trying this and she has a look on her face like she's trying not to spit it out with tremendous force. Oh gosh.

Post-bite thoughts

Swab it for trace.

Katie:
I thought I was making a joke when I said it looked like an eraser or CSI goop. Holy crap, this wasn't even food. I took a tiny pinch off one of the corners, it felt like nearly dried out play-do. I put it in my mouth and it was crusty. There was now crusty paste in my mouth that was so bad it had negative taste. It removed the memories of my spaghetti dinner right from my mouth and brain. Was that spaghetti good? I don't know because my brain cells were obliterated by this nonfood. Is this Italy's revenge for our appropriation of their great Renaissance artists by turning them into ninja turtles (fun fact: they're called Hero Turtles in Britain for some reason).
I swear to Yoda if Nick liked this, I'm going to have to seriously reconsider my life choices. This was not food. This was an act of utter barbarity.

Nick:
Uh... I actually kind of like this. It mostly tastes like whatever kind of nut is in the piece you're eating (almond or hazelnut), and the nougat itself has a kind of almondy, slightly honey flavor. It's like slightly sweeter Marzipan, and as one of two living humans on Earth who like marzipan, this is actually kind of tasty. That being said, this bar is WAY too big; when you get marzipan it's usually as two or three bite size candies, and in that size I think this might be good, but it's not the kind of thing you can chow down on yourself and finish more than like a tenth of. I'm sorry, everyone. I'll hate the next thing! Bust out the tasteless quinoa puffs or whatever!

Update from Katie:
You sicken me. Kissin' all up on this un-food. Did you throw the bar away? If I find you eating more of this there's going to be real life consequences, and not the thing where it's like "Ha ha, Katie's mad, how adorable". You know who loves this bar???? The tickler loves this. I guess the tickler's going to come to our house Nicholas!!!! Who loves weird alien nut bars now!!!!!!