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| This bag is making a lot of promises. |
Origin: Made in the USA
First looks
Nick:
I'm so glad that these lumps of congealed sugar and flavoring chemical are fat-free, gluten-free and low sodium. I think these are going to be pretty good (except the green apple ones, which I'm sure I'll hate). And I'll finally be able to live out man's everlong dream of eating a butterfly! We've all tried, I know, but they fly away so fast, or you get tackled by Pine Bush Reserve volunteers and your mugshot put up at the ranger station. Try and stop me now, haters!
Katie:
As Nick continues his lifelong dream of eating the last Karner butterfly, it's Abstainment Fact Time. Before we get to everyone's favorite new thing, I'd like to comment on the back of the bag. We are promised "...these gummies are beautiful" (they aren't) then asked "..Could this be the start of a passionate love affair?" So they're going to love Nick as they go into his mouth to be devoured? How will the love affair continue as they are consumed? "My poop is really into me, you guys. Truly ours is a love that will rival Han and Leia, Ariel and Eric, Bond and his thousands of disposable girlfriends."
Fact time! Using all the powers of Wikipedia's Random Article link, I can tell you that ""Hearts and Hooves Day" is the seventeenth episode of the second season of the Canadian-American animated television series My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic". I have actually watched this episode. The Cutie Mark Crusaders are sad that their teacher, Miss Cheerilee, doesn't have a special somepony for Equestria's version of Valentine's Day. They whip up a love potion to help her out so she can fall for Big Mac, Apple Bloom's older brother. The love potion goes awry, blah blah blah, and the fillies learn a valuable lesson about not messing with the free will of other ponies.
Post-bite thoughts
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| So, um... beautiful...? |
Woo, boy. I think I'm going to need that love potion from Hearts & Hooves Day to make me have a love affair with these gummies, because right now I just want to be friends. There's six flavors in the bag, and cherry, grape and blue raspberry are quite good. Strawberry is pretty good too (yes, I liked something strawberry!!!!!!!!!!) probably because it's "strawberry" and tastes nothing like the real fruit (which is to say it actually tastes like something. Hi-yo!!!) Orange is a bit unpleasant; the taste of fake orange is very strong and slightly chemically. I don't like this flavor, but not enough to pick them out of the bag. Lastly, I'm sure nobody will be surprised to hear that green apple is fucking disgusting. It looks like snot and tastes like barf. I'm going to throw all of these into the trash while apologizing to the garbage can. Why do candy companies keep making these? What kind of depraved mutant likes this flavor??
Katie:
Sorry my fact wasn't as cool as a traitorous German noble who was executed for treason. Maybe next time we can all learn about how there's a scary skeleton....
......and it's inside of you RIGHT NOW.
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