Lime cookies

Product: Biscoito Recheado Limao
Origin: Brazil

First looks

Katie:
Our lime cookies are brought to us by Grandma, Rocker Elliot the dragon (from Pete's Dragon. He's a dragon and his name is Elliot), a leprechaun, a nice child, and some sort of animal. I think it looks like a cat with a hat but Nick says it's an owl with an umbrella on its head. Quite the collection of bakers. How did they even get together? What sort of adventure did these people go on that lead them to found a bakery that made lime cookies?
Oh and the cookies look delicious.

Nick:
I thought Elliot had pink hair? Maybe they have to dodge that copyright. I'm at a little bit of a loss on these; they're lime cookies, which I don't think is really a great idea. They smell like sugar cookies and lime, which isn't exactly making my mouth water. Prove me wrong, grandma, rocker Elliot, nice child, leprechaun, and owl with an umbrella on its head.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
These are pretty good!  The entire time we've been writing this review, Greg has been sitting on my chest. I dropped several crumbs in his fur but he's just purring away, oblivious to how slovenly he is now. The lime taste is not too much but the cookie part was a little dry...other than that these were tasty and I'd definitely have them again. Nick gave me his leftover cookie so my wife senses are telling me he's not pleased (spoilers: Nick doesn't like something!!!)

Nick:
Blech. The spoilers were right I'm Rey's dad, and I do not care for these in the slightest. The cookie part is fine (if a bit dry like Katie said), and the filling isn't terrible, but they simply don't go together; my mouth doesn't know what to make of the cheap sugar, sugar cookie, and lime filling flavors all mixing together. If you swapped the flavor on the filling out these still wouldn't be great, but I think they could at least aspire to be good. As they are now, grandma, rocker Elliot, leprechaun, nice child, and owl with an umbrella on its head can keep these (although there's five of them and only four cookies in a pack. I guess Grandma can skip one if she has diabetes. Boy, this got dark!)

Mixed root chips

Product: Jan's Mixed Roots chips
Origin: California, US

First looks

Nick:
At first I thought these looked weird, but on reflection I don't think it's any weirder to fry and salt a yam, taro or cassava than a potato, so hopefully these will be good. I'm very curious to try the taro and cassava; I'm not sure I even know what a cassava is, but I ate a ton of virtual taro root playing a goofy old Nintendo DS game where you get shipwrecked on an island and have to survive. Hopefully you don't have to be starving on a tropical island to enjoy these.

Katie:
These remind me of the veggie chips you get with your food at the healthy cafe place in our mall. I'm hoping they'll be nice and crunchy with some actual taste. Our cat, Dr. Gregory House, was even interested in trying some!

Post-bite thoughts

The less cute conclusion:
he sneezed on these two seconds later

Nick:
Ehhhhhhhh. Three out of the four veggies just taste like slightly less flavorful potato chips. My favorite is the dark purple chips (I think they're the purple sweet potato), which do have a nice taste. I could see eating these with a burger if I'm at a restaurant that doesn't have fries and sold these bagged or something, but they're not exciting enough to go out of my way to get.

Katie:
I agree with Nick. These are adequate. I would also enjoy them with a sandwich (and also some ketchup) but I wouldn't enjoy munching these during a Yankees game on YES or a Netflix binge. If you want perfectly fine tasting chips with a crunch, not too much salt, and a little bit of flavor variety in the bag, pick these up.

Rabies kid is back

Product:  Yaokin Maple Butter Fu Ramune
Origin: Japan

First looks

Nick:
It's rabies kid again!! I'm glad he's still alive, but man, he needs to get that rabies treated. He's also wearing a witch outfit for some reason, maybe his infection turned serious on Halloween and he ran off from trick or treating to an old abandoned candy factory to make these. Yes, that's canon now. Anyway, I think the candy he's brought this time looks pretty good. Admittedly, maple (and boy, these do smell like maple syrup) and soda together is a little bit of a weird combination, but why not? I don't know how anything that smells this good can be bad.

Katie:
It smells like Golden French Toast cereal. I'm looking forward to trying these even though I wasn't a fan last time. Also, check out that translated label from the back of the package--Maple Butter Fu. This candy is going to be the most delicious of all the martial arts styles.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
Well, you don't really bite these, but I guess "Post-this thing melting in your mouth thoughts" is a little clunky. And seriously, these are really good. They don't have anything to do with soda, so just put that out of your mind and think of them as little dissolving maple syrup tabs and they're very tasty; they smell like nice rich maple syrup and they taste like nice rich maple syrup, and before the taste has time to become too heavy it's melted and you're reaching for another one. Nice job, rabies kid. If you have to stay rabid to keep making these, I hope you never get cured! Hahahahahah!

Katie:
Delicious! Tastes like maple syrup, as Nick mentioned. Maybe not the straight up goes on your pancakes kind, but at the very least like maple syrup flavoring found in the cereal I mentioned above. Thanks, Rabies Kid.
Just noticed the candy may contain crustacean shellfish so I guess there were mirelurks in that abandoned candy factory. As long as there aren't feral ghouls in it like that one canned meat factory in the Commonwealth, I think we're okay. Right, Dogmeat? Who's a good boy? *playful bark*

Stroopwafles

Hey, Stroop! Yo, Stooper!
(it was a car commercial,
that's the joke)

Product: Mini Stroopwafels
Origin: Holland

First looks

Katie:
Something that's going to be good! I hope. This is what I was hoping the gluten-free waffles were going to be like. Fingers crossed.

Nick:
Wow, what's this? These look wonderful! Are we sure there isn't something wrong with these, like they're sugar free, or gluten free, or non-GMO, or sugar free non GMO vegan, or baked in a pitch black Belgian cave by blind elves and they're made from glowing sexually depraved cannibal fungus that feeds on nightmares where your teeth fall out or something? No? The side of the bag just says vegetarian, and I'd be a little worried if they weren't. There's no way these aren't going to at least be okay. Right? Yeah.

Post-bite thoughts

(hilarious caption)

Katie:
Aw, yessssss. These are so good. Thank you, Holland. You gave us fun words to say like Knickerbocker, Patroon, Rensselaer (one of the local shibboleths and how we can tell someone isn't from here, leave yours in the comments), and Stuyvesant (for the love of Peter himself, pronounce it Sty-vuh-sint).  So many great gifts but the greatest is stroopwafels. And also the founding of New York City (previously New Amsterdam). That and stroopwafels.

Nick:
These are great! They're like a cross between a waffle and a little, very slightly chewy cookie. The front of the bag says caramel, but it tastes more like cinnamon to me. I could eat these by the handful. They're very tasty out of the bag and I bet they'd be even better with some nice hot tea if it wasn't like 80 degrees out right now. Nice job, Holland! You did it! Give me more stroopwafels!

"Beautiful" Butterflies

This bag is making a lot of promises.

Product: World's Best Mini-Gummy Butterflies (citation needed)
Origin: Made in the USA

First looks

Nick:
I'm so glad that these lumps of congealed sugar and flavoring chemical are fat-free, gluten-free and low sodium. I think these are going to be pretty good (except the green apple ones, which I'm sure I'll hate). And I'll finally be able to live out man's everlong dream of eating a butterfly! We've all tried, I know, but they fly away so fast, or you get tackled by Pine Bush Reserve volunteers and your mugshot put up at the ranger station. Try and stop me now, haters!

Katie:
As Nick continues his lifelong dream of eating the last Karner butterfly, it's Abstainment Fact Time. Before we get to everyone's favorite new thing, I'd like to comment on the back of the bag. We are promised "...these gummies are beautiful" (they aren't) then asked "..Could this be the start of a passionate love affair?" So they're going to love Nick as they go into his mouth to be devoured? How will the love affair continue as they are consumed? "My poop is really into me, you guys. Truly ours is a love that will rival Han and Leia, Ariel and Eric, Bond and his thousands of disposable girlfriends." 
Fact time! Using all the powers of Wikipedia's Random Article link, I can tell you that ""Hearts and Hooves Day" is the seventeenth episode of the second season of the Canadian-American animated television series My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic".  I have actually watched this episode. The Cutie Mark Crusaders are sad that their teacher, Miss Cheerilee, doesn't have a special somepony for Equestria's version of Valentine's Day. They whip up a love potion to help her out so she can fall for Big Mac, Apple Bloom's older brother. The love potion goes awry, blah blah blah, and the fillies learn a valuable lesson about not messing with the free will of other ponies. 

Post-bite thoughts

So, um... beautiful...?

Nick:
Woo, boy. I think I'm going to need that love potion from Hearts & Hooves Day to make me have a love affair with these gummies, because right now I just want to be friends. There's six flavors in the bag, and cherry, grape and blue raspberry are quite good. Strawberry is pretty good too (yes, I liked something strawberry!!!!!!!!!!) probably because it's "strawberry" and tastes nothing like the real fruit (which is to say it actually tastes like something. Hi-yo!!!) Orange is a bit unpleasant; the taste of fake orange is very strong and slightly chemically. I don't like this flavor, but not enough to pick them out of the bag. Lastly, I'm sure nobody will be surprised to hear that green apple is fucking disgusting. It looks like snot and tastes like barf. I'm going to throw all of these into the trash while apologizing to the garbage can. Why do candy companies keep making these? What kind of depraved mutant likes this flavor?? 

Katie:
Sorry my fact wasn't as cool as a traitorous German noble who was executed for treason. Maybe next time we can all learn about how there's a scary skeleton....

......and it's inside of you RIGHT NOW.

Green goo bar

whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

Product: Soft Nougat Pistaschio
Origin: Italy

First looks

Katie:
This looks like an eraser with nuts jammed in it. I know I'm the one that grabbed this for it to become Future Katie's problem, but now I AM Future Katie. I'm not looking forward to taking a swab of this to put in my mouth. This is the weird goo CSI and Bones are always scrapped off of things at murder scenes with the science Q-Tips. "Get this to Dr. Hodgins," I can hear Bones say. Next commercial break, Grissom will peer at it intently with his frowny beard and dad puns (j/k Grissom, I love ya).
Bust our your luminol, everyone.

Nick:
What even is this thing? Nougat? This looks like a prop on a really cheap sci-fi movie where one writer is like "They're in SPACE, they can't eat EARTH food," and everyone groans and is like shit, he's right, and the propmaster bellows GET THE NOUGAT!
Texture aside - and I'm afraid that's going to be a big aside - it smells okay, so... might taste good? Katie hates nuts, so I think I'm going to be eating most of this, a prospect that is not exactly filling me with excitement. Also, I just looked over at her trying this and she has a look on her face like she's trying not to spit it out with tremendous force. Oh gosh.

Post-bite thoughts

Swab it for trace.

Katie:
I thought I was making a joke when I said it looked like an eraser or CSI goop. Holy crap, this wasn't even food. I took a tiny pinch off one of the corners, it felt like nearly dried out play-do. I put it in my mouth and it was crusty. There was now crusty paste in my mouth that was so bad it had negative taste. It removed the memories of my spaghetti dinner right from my mouth and brain. Was that spaghetti good? I don't know because my brain cells were obliterated by this nonfood. Is this Italy's revenge for our appropriation of their great Renaissance artists by turning them into ninja turtles (fun fact: they're called Hero Turtles in Britain for some reason).
I swear to Yoda if Nick liked this, I'm going to have to seriously reconsider my life choices. This was not food. This was an act of utter barbarity.

Nick:
Uh... I actually kind of like this. It mostly tastes like whatever kind of nut is in the piece you're eating (almond or hazelnut), and the nougat itself has a kind of almondy, slightly honey flavor. It's like slightly sweeter Marzipan, and as one of two living humans on Earth who like marzipan, this is actually kind of tasty. That being said, this bar is WAY too big; when you get marzipan it's usually as two or three bite size candies, and in that size I think this might be good, but it's not the kind of thing you can chow down on yourself and finish more than like a tenth of. I'm sorry, everyone. I'll hate the next thing! Bust out the tasteless quinoa puffs or whatever!

Update from Katie:
You sicken me. Kissin' all up on this un-food. Did you throw the bar away? If I find you eating more of this there's going to be real life consequences, and not the thing where it's like "Ha ha, Katie's mad, how adorable". You know who loves this bar???? The tickler loves this. I guess the tickler's going to come to our house Nicholas!!!! Who loves weird alien nut bars now!!!!!!

Inca Soda

SNACKCEPTION

Product: Inca Cola: Golden Kola
Origin: New Jersey apparently

First looks

Nick:
The first Munchpak non-Ramune soda! I'm very curious about this; the can says cola, the color says lemon and the smell says melon, so we'll see. The smell is very reminiscent of vending machine gum in particular, so I'm thinking it will be pretty good.

Katie:
More soda should be more colors. I want a veritable rainbow of carbonated sugar water! The smell is more like a creamy vanilla soda. Almost something like one of those super novelty Jones sodas you see sometimes at Target where it's like a Thanksgiving box and the flavors are like turkey, sweet potato pie, and the taste of someone eating all of the good mashed potatoes before you get any.

Post-bite thoughts

Mickey is so pleased with this color.
Or that he's about to drown in pee (?)

Nick:
Was there a mix-up at the bottling plant or are my tastebuds going insane? Despite being "cola" this tastes very similar to the Ramune soda, except without the bite. Not that I'm complaining! This is sweeter, and it's very good, nice, light and easy to drink melon soda. I would definitely drink more of this. I don't even care that it has nothing to do with cola. My favorite soda from a munchpak yet. Also, for sodas, shouldn't that be post-sip thoughts? I guess it's too late to fix it now.

Katie:
We can't buck format for one thing, Nicholas. Because like branding or something? It's like when grocery stores move their shit around and it just makes everyone mad. I just want my Newman's Pineapple Salsa without having to tromp through 5 aisles first, why won't you let me give you my money, Hannaford?
Okay so back to the thing. Is it yellow because the Inca were into the sun? Is that the theme or am I thinking of another culture (too lazy to Google it, sorry cultures that were both ancient and interesting). My sip went like this: oh this is tasty, *swallow*, why does it taste like medicine now? Bleck.
I will be fair, Nick likes a lot of beverages I don't--like Hawaiian Punch, which is probably not even from there and who else just thought the mascot had crazy hair when they were a kid? He's wearing a hat, which I found out like 2 years ago--so this may very well be a case of YMMV.
I still found it gross though.

Pizza cheese curls

Product: Cumberland Farms' baked pizza flavored cheese curls
Origin: The verdant groves on the farms of Cumber's land

First looks

Katie:
This isn't the first time we've done pizza-flavored snacks before and I'm sure it won't be the last. These curls don't look terribly different from other cheese curls, save for the flecks of green somethings that are probably meant to represent oregano (that goes on pizza right? I only know like three seasonings). I didn't get a pizza whiff from my sniff of the curl so I am not optimistic about how pizza these will taste.

Nick:
We've had a fair amount of "pizza" items by now, and none of them have really tasted like pizza. None of them have also been that bad (although one or two didn't really taste like anything), so I'm not really worried about these; I'm expecting puffy Cheetos with a very faint "pizza" or maybe tomato-y taste.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
One day at the farms of Cumber, a pizza was delivered from some fancy New York City place where they all have their own butlers who pepper the ronis every morning. The pizza truck drove right past where Ma and Pa were pounding out the corn to be made into the cheese curls that everyone loves so much. The whole batch was right near ruined when the pizza smell wafted onto the nascent curls cooling in the evening air. Little Joe--not yet run off with Big Jo from the farm down the road--had a strike of inspiration. "We could sell them as pizza flavored cheese curls!"  But Ma was skeptical, "they don't taste anything like a pizza". And she was right, having been to New York City one time when she was young and reckless.  More like passed through its environs without stopping, but still...she quite never lived down her reputation as a fancy New York City gal. Then Pa sucked in a deep breath, ready to spout forth one of his great ruminations on the nature of things before thinking better of it and simply saying "yup".  An assent to which side, no one ever knew because the story was getting too long. Some cousin said something, some lawyers drew up some paperwork, then the cheese curls found themselves for sale at Cumberland Farms gas stations for $.79, which seems like a trifle too little for a food product.  Now a dollar, that's where you find real quality.

Nick:
I think Katie's trying to say that these don't taste very much like pizza, and I have to agree with her weird story. The most prevalent flavor in these is actually basil, then cheese, then if you squint your mouth real hard and truly believe, tomato. I usually think of a basil taste as more spaghetti-flavored, so if these were like "spaghetti curls" I'd believe it, but pizza? No, dude. Heck no. They're not bad, but I think I'd probably just rather eat regular baked Cheetos.

Ginger stuff

Product: Gin Gins Chewy Ginger Candy
Origin: Confusing. Made in Indonesia for the Ginger People who sell it out of California

First looks

Katie:
Um. It's a brownish bar with like cocaine on it. I'm not sure what else to say. It purports to be chewy as opposed to gummy so I'll try it.

Nick:
I have so many questions. If this is only 10% fresh ginger, what's the rest of this made of? (checks ingredients) Cane sugar and tapioca starch. Hey, that's the same stuff those organic gummi bears were made out of.
I'm also curious about the ginger guy on the front. Is he eating a ginger chew, making him a cannibal, or is he eating himself? How does a piece of ginger have teeth? Is there a non-zero percent chance I'm going to enjoy a candy made without artificial colors, flavors, or preservatives, no gluten, fat free, and vegan? Let's just say my hopes aren't too high.

Post-bite thoughts

Notice how big it is compared to the ring

Katie:
Like the treacle toffee, this stuff is very hard to actually chew. When I did, I couldn't stand the mouthfeel of it. When I simply treated it like a 'melt in your mouth' candy, it got better. It is, however, the most gingery ginger thing I've ever had. More ginger than 1893 Ginger Cola, more ginger than the little piece of pickled ginger you get in supermarket sushi boxes. If you are not over the moon into ginger, you will hate this. I could see keeping the box around for when my stomach is super upset--which happens more than you'd think since my gallbladder was removed a few years ago--but I wouldn't eat this at any other time.

Nick:
Oh, wow. I loathe absolutely everything about this. I despise the somehow tougher-than-toffee mega hard chewy texture, and I hate the taste, which is like the cartoon ginger man from the front of the box took a huge ginger dump right in my mouth. I managed to chew this for two seconds before sprinting to the garbage to spit it out. Why did you do this to us, "the ginger people"? I'm thinking the taste terrorists who made this are actually made out of ginger and didn't realize that normal people can't handle this taste, which is the only reasonable explanation for this disgusting ginger bomb. Shame on you, the ginger people. Shame on you.

Update from Katie: I was still sucking on my piece as I was writing. Then my piece would just not melt or go away from inside my mouth and chewing it was going to make me barf because of the texture. I too ran to the garbage to spit it out. Too much ginger. I couldn't even.

Butter stick cookies

Product: Holly Baking Cookie Brittle: Original Butter Rich
Origin: "California Wine Country" (not to be confused with California's Wayne Country where it's just Batmans all the way down)

First looks

Nick:
Cookie brittle. What is cookie brittle? Is cookie-flavored brittle, or brittle-flavored cookie? And what is brittle except a peanut delivery device? I'm so confused. I think these are kinda cracker-like cookies - they're like thicker graham crackers as far as I can tell. They smell delicious, at least, so I think these are going to be good.

Katie:
I hate to break the kayfabe here but I am trying these directly after the fish jerky so really, anything that tastes better than that assy crap is going to be quite pleasing to me.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
Pretty good! The texture is like a cracker, and it tastes like a nice sweet sugar cookie. I think these would make a great after dinner snack, although they're just a little too sweet to eat the whole box while watching Netflix. Kinda feels vaguely Christmasy. I would definitely get these again. Maybe the name could be updated to something more accurate like Christmas Cracker Cookie. Nick's Big Cookie Stick. Put In Ur Mouth: Now. We'll workshop it.

Katie:
Yummy! Sweet and buttery with a good crunch that isn't dry. I'm not sure where the brittle part comes in--maybe they're warning that it's too brittle to use in nuclear reactors?--but it's a very delicious treat. Before I forget to mention, this was one of the pieces of food swag from the Burlington Coat Factory trip if you want to try some yourself.
While we were there, there were two people on the checkout desk. Three more people who worked there came up to the desk, learned there was a layaway to fetch then all promptly fled. Uponst their return, one proceeded to loudly proclaim she was not their supervisor anymore and was not going to help.  The other two simply left with one employee dashing out the door to escape into her Burlicopter (I assume). Just wanted to throw this story in here somewhere. The End.

Nick extra:
I'm picturing a Burlicopter as a really super strong helicopter with ripped arms and every time the rotor goes around it yells "YEAH" like a weightlifter at the gym who just lifted a really strong weight and it's really annoying being under it hearing "YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH" as it flies overhead but you're too scared to say anything because it's so ripped.

Peach Gummy Candy

Product: Peach Gummy Candy

Origin: Japan

First looks

Katie:
I'm getting tired of always saying I don't like gummy so from now on, you're going to get a random fact. Did you know Johann Phillip Kratz von Scharffenstein "...was a German nobleman...who fought during the course of the Thirty Years' War" and was "...captured at the Battle of Nordlingen and executed for treason a year later"? Well now, you do. Glad I don't eat gummy things now, aren't you? Learned a little fact? Expanded our horizons? (quoted material taken from his Wikipedia page)

Nick:
Again with the peach flavor! I feel like Johann Phillip Kratz von Scharffenstein when he was executed for treason after being captured at the Battle of Nordlingen! The front of these says "The peach is the fruit with the longest history in the Orient". Gee, the Orient, maybe you could try having a fruit I like as the longest history in you? Geez! Think of someone else for a change!

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
Here's another random fact: I'm too lazy to look up another random fact on Wikipedia. Nick, take it away (the review, not Wikipedia. I need that for my college courses! If you're one of my professors, I'm just kidding! I totes use all the scholarly resources...every single one. The librarian is all "why are you reading every book in the library all the time? Only the most cool, powerful, and attractive person could do so!" and I'm all "Because college. I really want to make Professor [Insert your name here] proud!").

Nick:
Ooooo, these are so close to being good. The texture is nice and firm and feels good chewing, and the taste, for being peach, isn't that bad - it's subtle and sweet. If this was a flavor I liked, I think I'd really enjoy these. As it is, they're a near miss. Send me some fake ass blue raspberry gummies next box!

Pizza chips

Product: Napoli's Oven Baked Pizza Chips: Tomato and Basil flavor
Origin: Illinois, USA

First looks

Katie:
Another pick from our Burlington Coat Factory adventure (thanks again, Brenda!). I'm really rooting for these to be good. They remind me of the pizza bianca--cooked pizza dough without any of the toppings--that Nick's dad bought for us in Rome lo those many years ago.

Nick:
Like Katie, I'm hoping these are going to be tasty like pizza bianca - then again, we got the pizza bianca fresh made at a bakery in Rome while we got these in a bag from Burlington Coat Factory, so maybe unbridled optimism is not what's called for here. The chip looks pretty thick and frankly hard, so that's a little worrying, but they do smell authentically like tomato and basil pizza, so I'm 50/50 on these.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
The chip is a lot crunchier than I'm used to. The pizza taste is there but not omnipresent like other pizza chips. I'm on the fence about these. On the one hand, I do want another one but on the other, I'm not sure they have a big wow factor. My immediate thought was that I could have a little sandwich baggie of these on our desks to snack on while I work. At the end of the day (cue the Les Miz song), they're a decent snack that's not great but not awful either. Curious to see what Nick thinks.

Nick:
Not for me, I'm afraid. These barely taste like anything. The lack of flavor combined with the thickness and hardness of the chip means I ended up just chewing and chewing this tasteless chip that frankly made me a little angry. Try putting some more flavor on these, guys; this is America, and when I eat a snack, it should make me so excited that I start firing my machine gun in the air screaming "AMERICA!". These barely make me play with a little Nerf pistol while mumbling "'merica". On a side note, how do all these snacks that don't taste like anything have such a powerful smells? Maybe I'm a mutant who has super smell and like inhibited taste. What a lame power.
In this snack's defense, the back of the bag yells "Try them with... WARM MARINARA SAUCE", but I feel like if you have to take what's supposed to be a pizza-flavored snack and dip it in pizza sauce for more taste, you've kind of failed at making a pizza-flavored snack. Boo. Boo, I say.

Bean sticks

Product: Cheddar Bean Stalks
Origin: Connecticut, USA

First looks

Katie:
Another goodie from our Marshalls trip (thanks, Mom!). Also, another gluten-free food. The stalk itself looks like a long piece of ziti with a faint cheesy aroma. Could be fun if you want to play 'pirates who have very tiny, edible telescopes'. I'm cautiously optimistic because the bag is only proclaiming it's gluten free (because we all know how much wheat and wheat by-products there are in vegetables) instead of 'everything' free like the PB&J balls I linked up there.

Nick:
My first reaction to these was intense bogglement. "Cheddar BEAN stalks," I repeated, staring at the bag. What are these even? Did they take bean stalks, fry them up, and add cheddar? On reflection I actually think these might be good; I'm not sure I'm a huge bean stalk fan ("Katie! Russle me up some bean stalks!" I never yell), but I don't see why fried up they shouldn't be perfectly good cheddar delivery devices, and cheddar is my favorite cheese, so I am also cautiously optimistic.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:

The initial crunch is not as satisfying as a regular chip and my first thought was "these are stale". Then I remembered they're made out of beans, pushing that thought out of my head and going for another bite. I think these are actually pretty good. I promised a friend at work that if I ever found a good gluten-free food, I'd give her the item so these are going to her. A win for gluten-free nonsense for once.
Don't worry, Nick's review is bound to be more amusing than mine.

Nick:
Oh, thanks. I don't have any jokes ready; if these were terrible I'm sure I could come up with something good, but I actually like these quite a bit. They have a nice mild crunch (as Katie said they aren't as crunchy as a potato chip) and the cheddar is quite nice. It's almost like when trying to make gluten free snacks, it makes more sense to take two ingredients without gluten and combine them in a delicious way instead of defying the laws of God and man by trying to make, say, a gluten-free waffle or peanut butter and alien extrusion balls. Gosh! Who'd have known!
PS: Don't worry, Katie's next review is going to be totes amazeballs. No pressure Katie!!! Ha ha!!!!!!!

Chocolate cake

Product: Chocolate Mini Cake
Origin: Russia

First looks

Nick:
I think this is going to be pretty good; I like cake, and I like chocolate. I guess I'm a little worried about the filling as I'm not a huge filling fan (I like it better when it's all cake), but this seems simple enough. I believe in you, Russia! Don't fuck this up!

Katie:
I'm really looking forward to this. I've never eaten anything from Russia before. We've gotten a lot of Japanese and American snacks so it's nice to see something from places like Turkey and Russia show up in the rotation. I'm thinking it'll be a soft cakey texture with a decent filling.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
It's okay. It mostly tastes like cheap, sweet cake; unlike the picture on the front, there's just a teeny little pocket of chocolate filling, and I'm not sure I even tasted it. Maybe if it was marketed as "just sweet cake" it would have been more in line with my expectations, but as it is I guess I wanted a little bit more flavor.

Katie:
I think I got all the frosting in my half. The consistency and taste of the frosting were perfect. I was worried that it would be too thick or something but it was nice and creamy, no overwhelming sugar taste in the frosting either. The cake was a little drier than you'd find in an American equivalent cupcake but I don't know if that's because the type of cake Americans are more used to or the fact that the cupcake needs to last in the packaging. I liked this and would pick one up now and then from the store as a little treat if it was sold here. Thanks, Russia!

PB&J gluten free nonsense

I've got a bad feeling about this.

Product: Gluten Free Bites: PB&J
Origin: Proudly made in Michigan (according to the bag. I'd think Michigan is more proud of Robocop and the car industry but I guess these balls are full of Michigan pride too)

First looks

Katie:
Oh boy, the Non-GMO project. I did a report on them for one of my college courses. Want to know who is on their board? Crunchy natural food store owners and other people with a vested monetary interest in pushing people to shop at their stores. Know who is not on the board? Anyone with a scientific or medical background. If you really want to avoid food that has been tampered with in any way, just drink water because literally every food you are ever going to eat is not in its "natural" form. Humans have been futzing with our food since we figured out which hole it goes into.  Anyway, and I'm sorry to the people who can't eat gluten and thus also delicious spaghetti, this is going to be gross. It's going to be dry with a weird texture and taste like a butt made out of paper towels.

PS Thanks to Brenda for the tip that there were some good snacks to find at the Burlington Coat Factory.

Nick:
Yeah, thanks, Brenda. I'm so happy we got that tip right now. I'm the one who grabbed these off the shelf at Burlington Coat Factory, and I'm really regretting it right now. I don't even like good peanut butter and jelly sandwiches; what chance do these monstrosities have? I think this is the first item I've really been scared to try. I knew I wasn't going to like some of the peach or strawberry items, but they didn't fill me with dread the way this does. It doesn't help that they're supposed to be peanut shaped, but when I took one out to take a picture Katie yelled "It's a balls!!!!" (as in testicles). Also, they somehow smell like wilted lettuce??? I'm really scared right now, you guys. If this is our last blog update, we died or were turned into monsters eating gluten-free bites. (On the very small upside, the bag proudly yells there's no dairy. How I've been waiting for a dairy free peanut butter and jelly testicle!)

Post-bite thoughts

See how it glistens so!

Katie:
All I can taste is nuts. Nuts just all up in my mouth. It's dry and I feel like they were going for the sweet PB&J taste but it's just bad. Just...bleck.
I feel like these might have actually been really good if the recipe had just been improved somehow and didn't have such a...grossness to them. It's not as bad as some other gluten free stuff (looking at you, cardboard-tasting mush monstrosity of a gluten-free muffin) I've at from other stores but it's not very good. Not being a chef, I couldn't tell you how these could be improved as far as technique or ingredients--how bout adding some taste next time though, bro--but...these could have been good. Why do gluten allergy people have to suffer with such bad food? Isn't the fact they can't enjoy Italian anymore enough? I mean, jeez. That's like puppy kicker level punishment right there.

Nick:

PLEASE INGEST THIS DELICIOUS EXTRUSION
FELLOW EARTH HUMAN

God in Heaven. These are so, so bad. Like, I thought they were going to be horrible, then I pried one apart to see the weird "jelly" inside, and I thought they were going to be super horrible, then I took a bite.... it's not good, dude. Words kind of fail me. The texture is disgusting and chewy and icky and sticks to your teeth. The peanut outer part isn't too bad because it doesn't taste like anything, but the inside... I feel like this product was made by aliens trying to trick people into eating some kind of substance they extrude and then a week later you wake up and you're an alien and you have to go down to the ol' extruding pit to make more of these and the only reason humanity hasn't succumbed yet is because these are revolting and only wise-ass snack review bloggers are buying them. I'm going to go eat a bunch of sour watermelon slices to try and get the taste out of my mouth. I did not like these.

Mentos Pop ins

Product: Mentos Pop ins
Origin: Not sure. It's manufactured by our old pals, Perfetti Van Melle but there is no indication of where this is sold. We also don't know what language is on the front...normally there's a sticker that says 'Product of...'

First looks

Katie:
Really big skittles? I've never even had regular Mentos so I don't know what to expect here.

Nick:
What country are these from again? I'm going to say the writing looks like Hebrew. I'm sure someone out there knows. Anyway, I think I'm going to mostly like these - the back lists the flavors as apple, blueberry, orange and lime, and three out of four isn't bad (I'm sure the apple is going to be nasty. I've never had good apple candy and I'm sure I never will). I guess I just trust the huge screaming set of lips on the front to deliver a quality candy.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
I thought these would have a crunchy or hard candy shell on the outside but they're firmly squishy.  Apple isn't bad, same taste as the apple skittles. Blueberry is generic 'fake blue candy' flavor. While orange and lime taste as expected. These aren't bad at all except the texture is a little odd to me. As I typed the previous sentence, the super citrus sour taste of the last two flavors is burning the inside of my mouth. I could see this being something other people would happily enjoy but I didn't want more than the 4 I had.

Nick:
Oh, man, these are great. Katie really summed it up by saying they're like big soft Skittles without the hard shell. The green apple tastes just like a green Skittle, which is to say disgusting; the orange is all right, but the real standout are the blueberry and lemon. Now I'm a huge fan of fake blue candy flavor, so take my recommendation with a grain of salt, but the blue and yellow are both delicious; the yellow has a great slightly sour sweet lemonady taste. I would definitely get these again, although I'd throw out the green apple ones when Katie isn't looking.

What did I do???

y u do dis

Product: Dear North, Alaska Salmon Bites: Spicy Fireweed Honey
Origin: Alaska, USA

First looks

Katie:
Oh. my. dog.  What did I do. I don't even like seafood at all (I can't put you in my mouth, majestic sea friends! Or, in shrimp's case, underwater bug monsters! Shrimp are actually kind of neat but them and lobsters are just too...icky to eat. I mean, they have wavy antenna! And bug eyes! Anyway, moving on).
My mom said Marshalls had some good snacks so Nick and I went on an adventure there with her. I was sort of half-jokingly dared to try this, knowing I can't stand seafood and I stupidly went "yeah!". Now that the fated hour has arrived, I'm regretting my previous enthusiasm. I hope you are all appreciative of the gigantic sacrifice I'm making for you right now. Because oh my Buddha does this smell so bad to me and the bag isn't even open right now. I hope in another life, I come back as someone who lives on the moon and never has to eat fish again.

Nick:
I'm abstaining from these. Katie is very brave, and I'm so proud of her trying these that I don't even want to point out that you don't need to live on the moon to never eat fish again. These look like if you made beef jerky but instead you made fish, uh, jerky, although I have no idea why you'd want to do that.

Post-bite thoughts

Pictured: nothing like what's on the bag.
Alternate caption: This looks like a poops.

Katie:
I can confirm to all of you that I continue to absolutely not like seafood of any kind whatsoever, full stop. That was so gross.  The actual flavoring stuff on it was good but it could not cover up the fish smell, the weird way fish feels in my mouth, and the fact I want to barf right now. If you like salmon, maybe you'll like this but keep your goddamn hands off me, you damn dirty fisheater.

Nick:
Katie took the smallest possible bite of this and made a "huuUUg" sound like she couldn't believe what life had done to her, then wailed "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" and shoved the bag at me so I could slam dunk it into the garbage with maximum force. I don't think she liked these very much. I would honestly rather eat the weird alien egg gluten free bites (review coming soon!) than try a little of this, and that's really saying something.

Peynirli Kremali Sandvic Kraker

Product: Peynirli Kremali Sandvic Kraker (Sandwich Crackers with Cheese Cream)
Origin: Turkey

First Looks

Nick:
I don't really have a good feeling about these; I don't like cream cheese, and they kind of smell like a mix between peanut butter and regular butter, which isn't terribly appealing. I think Katie might end up having to eat most of these.

Katie:
I agree with Nick's assessment of the peanut butter smell. The buttery smell reminds me of Ritz crackers. I hope these are good!

Post-bite Thoughts

Nick:
Wow, I do not care for these in the least. The cracker part is okay, but the filling is really weird; it's "cheese" (I feel like I need to use quotes) that tastes like the fakest, cheapest product you can imagine. It's like if a chef told a bunch of malfunctioning robots who don't know anything about tastes or cheese to make a cheese product, and this is what they came up with. Pretty nasty.

Katie:
When I was a kid, we went to Disney World and got Cheese Whiz for some reason, eating it off some Ritz crackers (or squirting it into each other's mouths when our parents weren't looking). These crackers taste like that time my little brother and I were sitting in our hotel room at the Caribbean Beach Hotel, eating Cheese Whiz.

Aw man, now I want to go to Disney World.

Mango gum

Product: Hi-Chew Mango gum
Origin: Taiwan (via a Japanese company)

First looks

Katie:
Abstaining again. I don't like gum. Sorry everyone.  We reviewed gum from this company before.

Greg thinks he's getting some

Nick:
I really liked the texture of this gum with the last pack we tried, and it was the peach flavor I didn't like that doomed it to the donation pile; this time I think the flavor's going to be good, so I have high hopes. I took a sniff of the gum log and it's very intense melon. Writing this blog sure does lead me to type some odd sentences.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
One time, my hamburger took a bite out of ME. I got nothing.

Nick:
Man, this stuff is thick. You need to chew it down from its heavy, tough log form into what feels like more traditional gum. Actually, this seems less like gum than a log-shaped Starburst, honestly; you start out having to work at chewing it, and you eventually work it down into a soft little residue before swallowing it. Maybe I can trick Katie into trying one if I pitch it like that.
As for the taste, it's quite nice - it's a little more banana/pineapple than I would have expected in mango-flavored gum, but it's pretty good. I'm going to eat the whole pack unless I can get you know who to try some.
(Update: She did not try some ;_; )

Bonus Episode: Bear Wizz Root Beer

Product: Bear Wizz Root Beer
Origin: Lake George, NY

First looks

Katie:
Another product with motherflipping bees on it. Nick kindly poured me a glass so at least I don't have to think about drinking bees. Okay, moving on. We are unwittingly supporting local soda brewers (can you brew soda? Let's pretend you can so it sounds better) and picked this up at Price Chopper for the name. Lake George is nearish to us and many people from the larger area go there for the Great Escape theme park, a few water parks, the actual lake, and the Fort William Henry museum. When I went years ago, they fired cannons and I also guess none of this was about the actual root beer.

Nick:
Katie, thanks for that book report. I'm going to focus more on the name; I just can't picture myself going "Hey honey, if you're getting up, can I have a nice cold bottle of Bear Wizz?" I know that the name was picked to be cute and memorable, but can we not? We don't need to be overrun with Rabbit Turd™ Brand Raisins or Elk Shit Nut Clusters® or whatever. I recognize that we only got this because of the name, but I feel like limiting your market to people who run snarky snack blogs isn't the wisest decision.


Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
Oh you want digression, Mr. Nick? I'll give you digression. Billions of years ago, the universe began. All the matter in the universe was formed in the first few minutes. Eventually, planets began to form from accretion disks...after another long, long time, the first lifeforms--simple single-cell organisms--made the oceans their home. *1 hour later* And that's how babies are born. Babies that grow up to make root beer that is actually pretty good despite the ursa urine name. It's not as creamy vanilla as A&W but nowhere near as "spicy" as other root beers. I vote pick up a case when you're looking for some root beer and a fun way to nicely troll friends by asking if they want some bear wizz (Also, I always thought it was spelled 'whiz'.  Also also, who remembers when Dick's was above The Wiz at Crossgates Mall?)

Nick:
If you think about it, it's kind of amazing that the Big Bang and the formation of all life on earth eventually lead to something that tastes as boring as this root beer. This is perfectly fine root beer; think of any root beer (except Barq's, that stuff is weird) and this tastes like that, except more boring. It's fine; I'll probably polish it off with some pizza one of these days. I guess the creators chose the name to be interesting and stand out; it's not a good sign when what's on the outside of the bottle is more interesting than what's inside. On the upside, it really does taste fine, and I get to type sentences I never thought I would like "I guess I expected more from Bear Wizz".

Strawberry roll cake

Product: Yaokin Roll Cake Ichigo Kurimu
Origin: Vietnam

First looks

Nick:
Oh boy. I like Swiss rolls (another kind of roll cake with vanilla filling instead of strawberry frosting) but I don't like strawberry, so I was like "If the strawberry flavor is nice and subtle I'm sure I'll like this" and then I opened the package and the super strong fake strawberry smell came bursting out, pillaging as it went. I don't think I'm going to like this at all. At least it's small - two horrible bites and it will be gone and we can all get on with our lives.

Katie:
First off, Nick has, on two separate occasions, liked something with strawberries in it. So he's only saying he doesn't like it because of his deep-seated strawberry bias. I think it's going to taste fine. A strawberry on its own I could see Nick disliking but strawberries are perfectly fine dipped in chocolate or smothered in whipped cream. As I'm typing this, Nick commented "So you just like strawberries as a delivery mechanism for other food? You could just eat chocolate!".  I'm also to add "he's so cool, powerful, and attractive".

Best picture of Nick I could find

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
Not bad. Barely any strawberry taste. It's like that dessert with the angel food cake, whipped cream, and strawberries that probably has a name but I can't think of it and my Google finger is broken. Cute little dessert snack to eat in a bite. You can pretend you're at a fancy restaurant and this is your amuse-bouche.

Nick:
I have no idea how something with so little taste generated such a powerful odor; these things barely taste like anything at all, including strawberry. They're like a little angel food cake roll if angel food cake didn't taste like anything, and instead of a spongy texture it just vanishes. I think my mouth fell asleep eating this. I guess boring is better than bad, so, uh, below average job instead of terrible, which I guess to be fair is better than I was expecting.

Bonus Episode: Watermelon Pop-Tarts

Product: Jolly Rancher Watermelon flavored Pop-Tarts
Origin: USA

First looks

Nick:
I'm a bit worried about these. I like pop-tarts and I like watermelon jolly ranchers, but I don't know that the two of them are going to really go together too well. I like savory pop-tarts (s'mores, oreoes, coffee, vanilla) and I'm not sure how the fruit taste is going to work inside a pop-tart. Then again they do make regular fruit pop tarts, so who knows?

Katie:
I used to really like the old Apple Cinnamon flavor so fruit-based Tarts should be fine. I can't imagine eating these heated up--I was going to say who heats fruit then remembered it's a thing to grill fruit in cooking competitions on tv now. I'm hoping for the normal fake watermelon flavor that Jolly Ranchers have. The green frosting on top reminds me of Ecto Cooler (shout-out to all my 80s and 90s kids...friends).

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
I'm afraid for once my pre-bite thoughts were spot on: I don't like these very much. They have a strong watermelon jolly rancher smell, but when you actually take a bite, the subtle flavoring of the dough really clashes with the weak watermelon flavor. I think there needed to be more filling, or the filling needed to have more of a taste; the combination doesn't work for me and makes me just want to go out and have a regular watermelon jolly rancher or a s'mores pop tart. By the way, Katie, I dare you to put two of these in the toaster and try them hot.

Katie:
I concede my colleague's point about the dough clashing with the watermelon center but I actually thought the middle of the Pop Tart was fine...maybe not as good as brown sugar cinnamon or the cookie dough ones we used to put in the freezer.  I think the optimal way to eat these would be to forego the crust part. Know how a lot of kids--and adults--won't eat the crust on a sandwich? It's like that but with a Pop Tart. I used to exclusively eat them that way until I leveled up into adulthood and had to spend my own money. Now, I force myself to eat the crappy crust part before I can enjoy the sweet gooey center. Same reason why I eat my burger first then the fries at McD's...you save the best for last to end the meal on a good note. And shush up McD's detractors, McD's is good. They wouldn't have a billionty restaurants if no one liked their food.
PS I am not taking that dare.