Product #1: Pumpkin Pie soda by Maine Root.
Origin: Assumably Maine
First looks
Nick:
Well, I'm not opposed to pumpkin pie flavored soda, but this smells a little weird; it's more fruity and melon-y than pumpkin and spicy. Or maybe my nose is insane; half the time what something smells like has nothing to do with the taste, so we'll see. It's a nice orange color, at least. The label also says it's "lovingly handcrafted" (almost typed "hamcrafted") which I think is a little disingenuous since the first ingredient is water, which you can't really hand craft, unless these goofs up in Maine are assembling water molecules manually or something.
Katie:
If I hadn't read the label, I could believe this was melon soda. It's the color of cantaloupe and as Nick said, it smells more fruity than pumpkin. I can't say I have high hopes for pumpkin soda. Pumpkin goes well with and into a lot of things, but soda does not seem to be one. I'm skeptical but I'll give it a fair taste.
Post-sip thoughts
Nick:
I don't know what kind of pumpkins y'all have up in Maine, but if this is pumpkin flavored, I'm a cartoon pony who's always singing about friendship. There's absolutely no pumpkin taste in this, and no cinnamon taste either, which is almost as important. This tastes like somewhat nasty, vaguely spicy melon soda. Terrible. I like melon soda, and I didn't like this, so you know it must be bad. I want to point out that this is specifically pumpkin PIE flavored, supposedly, so it doesn't even get a pass that straight pumpkin wouldn't have cinnamon or other flavors in it. Real bad.
Katie:
The taste was slimy. Imagine those containers of cubed melon in the grocery store. When they sit around for too long, marinating in their own juices, the fruit gets slimy and mushy. The taste goes from pleasant honeydew and cantaloupe to a quagmire of goo fruit that is becoming alcohol. Not good.
Product #2: Pumpkin Pie Spice Bites
Origin: The depths of Whole Foods' branding team
First looks
Katie:
The snacks remind me of tiny pizza rolls in shape--that is to say, little pillows with filling inside, in this case the filling is apples rather than pepperoni, cheese, and sauce (send an email to this webzone if you want a pizza roll). The smell is quite pleasant, a hint of pumpkin and a strong apple pie smell. I haven't come across a snack like this so I want to be hopefully but my gut is telling me there is a reason I haven't seen crunchy fruit-filled snacky pillows before. What do you think, dear?
Nick:
I think if I see that commercial where the lady goes "I don't have TIME to hash-tag my breakfast!!!!!" one more time I'm going to lose it. Why don't you just get up earlier, stupid??? Grab a banana on the way out? Breakfast bar? Why do you need to hashtag your breakfast in the first place? Guess what: Nobody fucking cares what you're having for breakfast. Unless you're at a nice restaurant and you're having like giant Tonga Toast or something interesting, nobody gives a fuck. I barely care what I'M eating for breakfast, why would I want to read you hashtagging your own boring fucking breakfast? Get over yourself. Ooo, I'm so busy, but my legions of Instagram followers want to know what my BREAKFAST is. Fuck off.
Uh, what were we talking about? Yeah, these pumpkin things. On the outside these look great; they're nice little pasteries covered with the cinnamon sugar that disgusting soda completely forgot is a very important part of the pumpkin experience. The filling, though... the filling haunts my dreams; even on the front of the bag they weren't able to make it look appealing, and I'm dreading biting into a center filled with gross, cold, chunky, chewy apple effluent. We'll see. #prayforthehams
Post-bite thoughts
Katie:
Okay so if your breakfast is exceptional, you're really proud of what you made, or if you find something unexpected in your breakfast (zomg, Bucky Barnes is tiny and swimming around in my Golden French Toast cereal, you guys!!!!) then you can Instagram it. If it's fucking yogurt like in that commercial, shut the front door about it.
Onto the actual thing we're trying. I thought it was good, reminiscent of the apple cinnamon Pop-tarts they used to make. The outside was pumpkiny but not so much so that it overpowered the apple filling. I'd have some more.
Nick:
It's a no for me, dog. The filling isn't as disgusting as I expected; it's actually really not that bad, but I can't get over its chewiness. For some reason my mouth just can't stand mixing the crunchy texture of the outside with the chewy texture of the inside. I'm willing to accept this is me being a weird texture purist and not a problem with the snack itself, so I'm going to say these aren't bad, they're just not for me.
Product #3: Pumpkin Pie Popcorn
Origin: Whole Foods' Pumpkin Warfare Division
First looks
Nick:
Well, I don't have a good feeling about this. I love popcorn, but I don't like popcorn covered in savory toppings (caramel, etc) and that's exactly what this is. Plus, it kind of smells like stale salt instead of the sugary cinnamon I would expect. The best I'm hoping for is acceptability, and I'm bracing myself for the poor popcorn kernel in the center of the "Holiday Spice Blend Covered in Sweet Caramel Sauce" to be a stale little lump of sadness covered with pumpkin-flavored caramel. Also, why are there walnuts in this?
Katie:
Umf. To quote a legendary scoundrel, I've got a bad feeling about this. I've liked flavored popcorn in the past. Oh hold up, we got some breaking news, Nick found a big fused chunk in the bag that he said looks like a tumor. I was thinking it looks like it spent centuries drifting through the warp only to emerge with chaos demons haunting it that the Space Wolves must now destroy. The Emperor Protects, may he light my way through the darkness on the inside of this seasonal popcorn from Whole Foods.
Post-bite thoughts
Nick:
Not bad! I'm still not a fan of this type of food, but this is actually pretty good; the popcorn hasn't been destroyed by too much caramel, and the covering is nice and sweet and actually tastes like, well, a pumpkin pie. I think part of my positive feelings also have to do with the aftertaste; somehow this product doesn't taste like a lot when you're actually eating it, but the aftertaste is a really nice, sweet, cinnamon sugary pumpkin flavor. We found a good pumpkin item! Yay! Also, I don't see any walnuts in the bag. Maybe they fell into the bottom; I don't even care. I liked this enough that I'm probably going to even eat the congealed mass of caramel and popcorn I found fused into a large pumpkin tumor.
Katie:
The Emperor of Mankind does in deed protect. These were yummy. I could see myself munching through some while watching an AvE video on YouTube. That being said, I wouldn't recommend trying 5 pumpkin items in a row because now I'm like FUCK PUMPKINS and we're not even done yet.
Update from Nick: Katie ran off wheezing and looking like she was going to throw up, so maybe we had too much pumpkin today. Uh, I guess I should stop updating this blog and go make sure she's okay.
All right, she's fine; she got a popcorn kernel in the back of her throat and it felt like she was choking and our cat laid there disinterestedly watching her and perhaps wondering why she wasn't petting him now as she almost died. But she's fine now! Ha ha! Also, the cat followed her downstairs to see if she'd pet him now.
Product #4: Pumpkin Spice Cheesecake Sandwich Cremes
Origin: Whole Foods' Arsenal of Blogger Assassins
First looks
Katie:
This was the one food item I was really looking forward to. I think we've tried their sandwich cookies before--maple maybe?--and I liked it. They smell good, pumpkin in the right ways. I don't think either of us are super cheesecake fans but we can appreciate a good slice now and then from the Cheesecake factory (although I haven't eaten a meal there since they got rid of my one favorite, Thai Chicken Pasta. I used to eat that nearly every week, getting it take out because Nick hates it there since they served him a burger on some stupid piece of arty bread that was not even the right shape to be on a burger). Anyway, don't disappoint me, sandwich cookies. I mean you can't be as bad as the popcorn that tried to kill me but still...don't suck.
Nick:
I just want to clarify how bad that burger was - I ordered a burger well done and I got it on a baguette slice the burger itself was hanging over on both sides, as well as half a pound of fried onions and nothing else on top of it. What the fuck. I know Cheesecake Factory isn't known for burgers, but I think I can expect a little bit more basic competency than that. They're always packed, though, so what do I know. (What I know is to just go to PF Chang's next door instead)
As for these cookies, they smell absolutely delicious, exactly like pumpkin spice cheesecake. I think we've got a winner here, although admittedly the bar is set pretty low; these are going to automatically be better than the last item if they don't try to kill my wife.
Post-bite thoughts
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| This is the cat that failed to show concern when I was KOFFING and WHEEZING. Great job, Greg |
Katie:
I also don't like how when you eat there, the tables are so close together I have to literally butt into other people's dinner to sit down. I still miss you, Thai Chicken Pasta (without the chicken). I'll never forget you!
The cookies are good! Like Oreos, I could see myself grabbing two whenever I pass by the box. Approved.
Nick:
Butting into someone else's dinner? That's called a rump roast!!!!!!!!!! Heyoooooooooo! (tap tap) Is this thing on? Okay. So these cookies are delicious - they taste just like they smell, a super sweet, slightly cinnamon, sugary pumpkin taste. Whole Foods really hit it out of the park on these. There's 19 cookies in the box, but they're not going to last very long. I think these are even better than the store brand maple sandwich cookies, and considering how much I love maple that's no small feat. (How much do I love maple? They call me Ol' Maple Kid down at the maple store because I'm always shoving maple sugar candy in my mouth while yelling "MAPLE" and bathing in maple syrup while also screaming "MAPLE" and it's really loud because the bathroom is small and echos a lot. Some of that was true! [Katie note: None of that is true except the bathroom being small])
So overall, really delicious; not just the best item yet, but some of the best cookies I've ever had. Definitely pick up a box if you see some of these.
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| The blue orb is some "blue raspberry" sugar water Nick got from Stewart's. #adulting |
Final Product: Pumpkin spiced Apple Cider
Origin: Apples.
Nick:
I'm glad this is our last item, because I'm getting a little pumpkined-out, fam. On the one hand this item doesn't smell like pumpkin at all - it smells like cinnamon apple, maybe like a high quality apple-flavored baby food - and on the other hand I think that's a good thing as intense pumpkin fatigue is setting in. I'm hoping this is just good apple cider with some kind of cinnamon taste. Also, I promise I'll stop yelling "CIDAH" like Lois from Family Guy. (Eventually.)
Katie:
That's okay, Karate Chop Robot will help you stop.
As Nick said, there's not a real smell to this one aside from the light scent of apples. I am looking for a good apple cider that is faintly pumpkin for this to be a win.
I'm also getting real sick of pumpkin. The very word pumpkin has lost all meaning.
Post-sip thoughts
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| True Disney fans will notice Aladdin's hat is wrongly red while Jasmine only wore red in the scenes where Jafar kept her and the Sultan as slaves. Her top was never black either but that's hard to see in the photo. |
Nick:
I broke the karate chop robot!!!! And they lost the blueprints so they can't rebuild it! And the land sharks all died along with all the ticklers in the same accident that killed that creepy old man voice you hate.
As for this cider, it's... odd. The most powerful taste is the cinnamon spice, and underneath that there's a vague apple flavor; the pumpkin is nowhere to be found, which is frankly fine with me right now. It's not bad, but I think I'd rather just drink regular old apple juice, quite honestly; I'm sure we'll chug this bottle at some point and I won't spare it another thought.
Katie:
I can't say I'm a big fan. It's not bad, but it's not good either. I agree with Nick...there's no real apple taste and zero pumpkin. Our neighbors are doing a saxophone solo right now and it's really hard to come up with descriptive things to say about this sub-par apple cider. I'm just going to end my thoughts here. We had quite the ride, didn't we? I almost died, Nick kept yelling CIDAH, and my one cat was a dick who didn't care about my life at all (and this is the one who cuddles under the blankets with us and licks my neck all the time). Would I try 5 pumpkin things over the course of 2 hours again? Probably not. Would I try 5 pumpkin things over the course of an all-day trip through the Epcot World showcase during the Food and Wine fest? Hells yes.
Nick's final thought: CIDAH. Hey, what are you doing? stop tickling mewrhgiogijaeoprwtu7b b b b b b b b b b b b b n.v,m
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