Ginger beer

Product: Gosling's Ginger Beer
Origin: Worcester, Massachusetts

First looks

Nick:
What's the difference between ginger beer and ginger ale? No, don't leave a comment, I'm not that interested. I'm afraid I'm not going to like this much - the only ginger thing I like is sweet Seagram's ginger ale, and this smells like pure ginger. I'm having flashbacks to that horrible ginger candy. Katie might like it, she likes Ginger 1893 Pepsi and that's also way too ginger for me.

Katie:
The ginger smell is very strong, as Nick said. If this is anything like Ginger 1893, I'll like it. Fingers crossed.

Post-sip thoughts

Check out Nick's kickass
Tomorrowland Movers shirt

Nick:
Hey, this isn't bad! The ginger taste is slightly strong for me, but I do like this; it's not quite as nice and sweet as Seagram's, but it is pretty light and tasty. No wonder this is, uh, (checks can) the official ginger beer of the 35th America's cup. I wonder if that's a tough endorsement to get. Can't imagine a lot of ginger beers lining up to fight over that coveted 35th America's Cup endorsement, but I can see why this stuff won at least.

Katie:
What's the America's Cup?
Oh, Nick says it's a sailing race. Can you really be sipping ginger beer as you're doing sick sail boat maneuvers though?  Maybe it helps with seasickness!  Anyway. This is yummy. I'm going to finish the rest of what we poured while Nick isn't looking. Hahahahahaha.

In case of emergency, break glass

Product: Emergency Chocolate
Origin: Salem, Massachusetts

First looks

Katie:
When Giles Corey was being pressed by pounds of rocks during the Salem Witch Trials, he didn't say more rocks as famously reported...he said "emergency chocolate" (actually his death was pretty painful...sorry, Mr. Corey. You were brave enough to try and defend your wife against the accusations of crazy teenagers and your reward is to be stupidly joked about by a millennial in a food blog #sosorry)
Now that I got my dumb Salem thing out of my system, we bought this at a craft store. I don't know if that tells you anything about what kind of audience this chocolate is going for--creative people--or what this will taste like. I just thought you'd like to know that tidbit. I predict this will taste like low-to-medium quality chocolate and be "fine".

Nick:
I'm a little confused about the marketing for this item. Is it only meant to be consumed when you've already eaten every other chocolate item in the house? Surely that would limit how much people buy? Maybe you're supposed to put this in your GO BAG? I'm surprised by now there isn't like TACTICAL CHOCOLATE for your every day carry or something. Honestly, I think that might be the most interesting thing about this, because it just looks like regular milk chocolate and it smells like Hershey's. I don't really like regular milk chocolate that much, which is what I'm betting this is going to taste exactly like.

Post-bite

Katie:
How in the world do you make chocolate taste actively bad? I'm not taking about novelty chocolate with absinthe in it (tried it, disgusting) or bacon chocolate (also gross). This is just normal chocolate. Normal chocolate that tastes bad. None of the wonderful deepness of dark chocolate or the creamy reliability of Hershey's or even the guilty pleasure goodness of cheapo stocking chocolate. This was just really awful tasting chocolate. No sweetness, no flavor. Have you ever made hot chocolate and overestimated how much water you'd need so you use too much then you wind up with hot water that sort of has some chocolate powder in it? This is like that except not hot water. Stay away from this nonsense. If you don't believe me, pick some up in the impulse shopping zone at your local chain craft store.

Nick:
Ooo, this is bad. Very, very cheap tasting, and too sweet, possibly in an attempt to cover up the crime. I don't know that I'd eat this even in an emergency, honestly. It's not even chocolate bunny in your Easter basket quality. Very nasty. This taste is almost as tragic as Mr. Giles Corey's untimely demise. We all deserve better than this load of old wank.

Destroyer of Potatoes

Product: Turbana Plantain Chips Chili Lime flavor
Origin: Medellin, Columbia

First looks

Nick:
The back of the bag brags that they're going to make potato chips run for cover, but I don't think they will have much to fear from these. Plantain chips? Okay, I'll bite (no pun intended). Chili lime chips? Sure. Chili lime plantain chips? You lost me, fam. These look like they're gonna be hard and nasty and they smell like stale banana. I don't have high hopes for these.

Katie:
My esteemed colleague captured the smell perfectly. The chips look like bananas but more of a hard yellow. I cannot remember trying plantains before but I'm sure I have at some point. I don't know what to expect so I'm setting my expectations to zero. Hopefully, I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
Emphasis on the chili. These are spicy! All I taste is spice. Just burning my poor mouth. No lime taste, definitely no banana or plantain taste. No sir, I don't like these. I'll admit freely I'm a spice wimp, but I couldn't even finish three of these without suffering mightily. These might sell better if they were rebranded as like Destroy Your Mouth chips for heat freaks. Hard pass.

Katie:
My first chip was okay. My second chip firebombed my mouth with spice. It's like having a full handful of Kaki no Tane but without the cooling peanuts mixed in (I know, I typically don't like nuts but you need those peanuts to counterbalance the spice). If you can handle spice and regularly consume scotch bonnets, get these but if you're at all wimpy on spice...maybe get regular plantain chips? Oh no, we don't have enough text to get to the end of the picture!!!! Uh, weezle wuzzle?

Malk

Product: Malk--maple flavor
Origin: An obscure Simpsons reference become reality!

First looks

Nick:
Well, they've gone and done it; some wiseass finally made Malk, for brittle bones. Not sure that's the best marketing scheme. On the upside, the front of the bottle yells "GUM FREE", and I'm sure we're all tired of all the, uh, gum in our pecan milk? I don't know, dude. It smells pretty good, kinda vaguely maple-y chocolate milk. I mean malk. God damn it.

Katie:
I hope this is packed with Vitamin R. This sounds like it would be really good with steamed hams and a side of tomacco. Turn those frowns upside down with Malk!
Okay now that we're done with all that business. It smells delicious. I'm thinking good thoughts about how delicious you'll be, Malk. Don't disappoint me.

Post-sip thoughts

Nick:
Ugh. I am not going to always be drinking plenty of Malk, friends. Despite the maple on the label, this tastes like vaguely vanilla, gritty, old, butt juice. The second ingredient is maple syrup, but there's really almost no maple flavor. Pretty bad. Pret-ty bad. No sir, Ol' Little Maple Boy did not like this. Gross. Now if y'all will excuse me, I'm gonna go dump my nut juice.

Katie:
Nick's right, this is butt juice. And before you all start accusing me of not liking nut milk, I actually quite enjoyed this cappuccino almond milk stuff Nick's mom used to get. So I'm not just being picky. This is actively bad. It doesn't taste like pecans or anything good. It tastes somehow acidy and bitter, there's no creaminess or sweet taste to it at all. I'll stick with my whole milk Lactaid milk. Don't get this. For the love of Glob, don't get this. I feel like it's a proven rule now that anything with more than one "-free" on it, is going to taste like the devil's butthole.

Paprika

Product: Tuc Paprika crackers
Origin: Belgium

First looks

Nick:
Paprika crackers? Yeah, I'll try 'em. They smell nice, kinda smoky and salty. I don't expect they'll taste like the red bell pepper on the package. Is that where paprika comes from? I'm confused.

Katie:
Now I know four spices--cinnamon, oregano, basil, and paprika. Watch out, Bobby Flay. My Kraft Mac and Cheese skills are going to take you down. not really you are extremely talented and i eat spaghetti-os out of the can sometimes. The crackers are supposed to be rectangular but ours broke in transit. That's okay, only calories leak out when you break food in half, not flavor. Duh.  I think this will be okay. I don't think they're gluten free so they should taste like something and not have the mouthfeel of wet toilet paper. (Seriously, if you can make something that would normally have gluten in it be delicious without it, submit your proof directly to my mouth).

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
I don't really know what to make of these. The texture is a nice light cracker and the taste isn't bad either; the most powerful element is salt, then pepper, then sure enough a kind of red bell peppery smoky taste. That sure sounds good, and it's okay for a cracker or two, but I just can't picture sitting down and polishing off anywhere near the number of crackers that come in this container. I think these need to go with something; scanning it with the Munchpak app suggests cheese, but I think I'd rather just eat smoky cheese by itself. Just missing that certain oomf. The more I eat these it tastes more like a cracker covered with overly salty like bacon flavoring or something.

Katie:
I liked these. The smoky, skosh spicy taste is very pleasant. It's not enough to keep me from eating several but not so little that the crackers are tasteless. Belgium is starting to have quite the track record with us!

Cheese and Caramel: together at...last

Product: Smartfood Popcorn: Caramel and Cheddar mix
Origin: Canada

First looks

Nick:
Smartfood white cheddar popcorn is probably my favorite snack of all time, but all the other Smartfood flavors have been kind of a letdown, and I'm afraid this doesn't really look much better; why are the caramel and cheddar mixed together???? I'm not a big fan of candy coating on popcorn to begin with, and the neon orange cheddar doesn't look super appealing either. I'm just imagining the flavors fighting to the death on my tongue, inflicting massive collatoral nastiness all over the arena of my mouth. Canada, why did you do this? This might be okay if I go through and throw out all the caramel popcorn. Maybe.

Katie:
The bag smells like the specially formulated peepee cat food we have to feed our cats. Maybe this contains the same UTI preventive medicine. Now that we have our appetites whetted by thinking about cat pee and UTIs, let's move on to preparing to eat this. Nick covered what the food looks like so I'll comment on the flavors. I'm not a big fan of regular Smartfood so I'm a little worried about the cheddar flavor. I have liked county fair caramel popcorn before so maybe that part will be good. My hesitant peek into the bag yielded a near total view of neon orange kernels, however.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
The cheddar isn't bad; it's nowhere near as good as the white cheddar in the black Smartfood bag, but it's okay, if a little stale-tasting. The caramel surprised me with how good it is, I think because the coating on it is very light. Together, though... hoo boy. These do not combine well. It tastes weird and salty and stale and kind of bitter. Why are these in the same bag?? Who thought this was a good idea??? WHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY


Katie:
On its own, the cheddar piece was fine. The kernel was what you'd expect from popcorn with the flavoring neither too heavy or light. The caramel piece on its own was quite delicious. I was admittedly trepidacious to try them together. What fresh hell am I subjecting myself to, I thought. I picked one piece of each to try together.  My results were surprising--I liked it. Maybe I'm already prepped for the discordant taste of sweet and not sweet because I really like dipping apple slices in Ken's Asian Sesame dressing and dunking Mickey D's fries into my vanilla milkshakes. In order to be a smidge scientific about it, I tried to duplicate my results by trying the same combo again...I still liked it. I even still liked it with two cheddars and one caramel. So...yeah. I finally have a popcorn snack to munch while I read in Nick's room and studiously tune out any attempts at communication because I'm reading gosh darnit.

PS from Nick: Now I know what Katie felt like when I enjoyed the green goo bar.

PPS from Katie: How dare you. That was unfood for trash pandas.

Walker's Toffee: The Quickening

Product: Walker's Assorted Toffees and Chocolate Eclairs
Origin: England

First looks

Katie:
Oh man, more Walker's toffee. Hopefully this won't be as hard to chew. I chose the banana split flavor. It smells plasticy, not at all like bananas.  The feel is just as hard as the last time too. Oh geez, Rick.

Nick:
Well, I'm a little uncertain about these. The last time we tried Walker's toffee it tasted great but it was a pain to chew. This time I'm thinking it's going to be easier just because these are bite-sized instead of trying to tear super-dense toffee off a big chunk, but the flavors... I mean, chocolate and toffee doesn't sound too weird, but when you start getting into banana split and chocolate eclair flavor, that's a little weird.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
Much better. I let it melt in my mouth for a few seconds before chewing and it softened right up.  Still not sure what was terribly banana split about it but it was nice. If my imaginary grandma offered me some, I'd be glad to politely take one. I don't this is something I'd be craving after a long day at work. It's fine.

Nick:
These are great! My teeth can actually chew these. In addition to being smaller, these are much softer, and you can either bite 'em in half or just chew the whole thing. Flavor wise, these aren't quite as tasty as the plain straight-up toffee, but they're still pretty good; I don't know what a chocolate eclair tastes like in England, but this tasted more like toffee with a very slight caramel undertone. I'd eat these by the handful.

PS: It was only when I opened the jar to get another that I was assaulted by the extremely worrying plastic smell Katie described earlier. I have no idea what's causing this - the jug being made of cheap plastic? - but it luckily has nothing to do with the taste. It kind of smells like Duane's Toyland, remember that? You'd walk in the front door and get assaulted by the cheap plastic smell of all the action figures. I had a bunch of those pre-molded knights near the checkout where they're all on horses or hitting each other with maces. I wonder whatever happened to those.

PPS from Katie: Knowing you, they're probably in a box because you never get rid of anything. I'm surprised we don't have vintage diapers somewhere.  But yeah, Duane's Toyland was great! It was the first place--even before the Lego store at Disney--that I saw a Lego statue of something.

PPPS from Nick: Having risked severe brain damage by taking the biggest sniff I could, the smell is toffee and cheap chocolate. I also tried a "milk chocolate" one and it's not good, dog. Walker's, if you're reading this, the toffee's delicious; it doesn't need the crappy chocolate crapping everything up on here. Also, I might want those boxes for 15 year old PC games I lost the disks to someday. (That last part is for Katie, not Walker's.) (But don't take my 15 year old PC game boxes either Walker's)

Wai Lana Chips

Product: Wai Lana Chips Thai Curry and Lime
Origin: Not even Hawaii (California)

First looks

Katie:
Another proudly gluten free product--they're made from cassava which is...a root of some kind? My chip is shaped like a caldera with bubble wrap-like markings on both sides. It looks lighter than a potato chip with absolutely no smell that I can detect but my nose is also pretty allergy'd up from my cat being on top of me for the past 15 minutes. Thanks, Greg.

Nick:
Can a snack that proudly yells on the back of the bag that it has NO GMO, preservatives, cholesterol, artificial color, artificial flavor, wheat, soy, diary or gluten be any good? I'm willing to entertain the notion; these chips have a funky shape and what looks like an interesting texture, but I'm a little worried about the flavor; Thai curry seems like it's just going to be cheap spice, and as for the lime, I can't really say I've ever been eating chips and excitedly shouted "I sure wish these were lime flavored!!!!" How about, like, BBQ? They make gluten free fake BBQ powder to put on cassava chips, I'm sure. Well, I'm gonna give these a try. Don't let me down Wai Lana, I don't want to have to type something like "Wai Lana, more like I no wanna these chips!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
You know those big vats of chocolate in cartoons and whatever? Okay, picture that but with chips in it. A severe woman in a lab coat walks by on a catwalk, studiously peering into the vat. She sprinkles three specks of curry powder over the chips then nods to an assistant--a nervous-looking young man in a sweater vest--who quickly adds one bit of lime zest to the vat. That's how these taste...a skosh of Thai curry and a smidge of lime so not so much with the taste. They aren't bad, merely acceptable.

Nick:
Swing and a miss. The texture on these is really nice - light, crunchy, airy. But the taste... there's no taste on these, fam. They're like puffed air. I did not detect even a single molecule of Thai curry or lime. Am I expecting too much taste from snacks? I mean, this isn't like "Oh, the curry taste is mild," there's no taste at all. I guess that in itself is kind of impressive if you think about it - the snack with zero taste! Maybe they should put that on the bag underneath the list of other items not included in this snack.

Pumpkin party

It's pumpkin time! As a white woman I am required by law to go insane for pumpkin products during the fall, so we got all the pumpkin stuff we could find at Whole Foods. Pumpkin party! I'm a Becky or something! Wooooooo!

Product #1: Pumpkin Pie soda by Maine Root.

Origin: Assumably Maine

First looks

Nick:

Well, I'm not opposed to pumpkin pie flavored soda, but this smells a little weird; it's more fruity and melon-y than pumpkin and spicy. Or maybe my nose is insane; half the time what something smells like has nothing to do with the taste, so we'll see. It's a nice orange color, at least. The label also says it's "lovingly handcrafted" (almost typed "hamcrafted") which I think is a little disingenuous since the first ingredient is water, which you can't really hand craft, unless these goofs up in Maine are assembling water molecules manually or something. 

Katie:

If I hadn't read the label, I could believe this was melon soda. It's the color of cantaloupe and as Nick said, it smells more fruity than pumpkin. I can't say I have high hopes for pumpkin soda. Pumpkin goes well with and into a lot of things, but soda does not seem to be one. I'm skeptical but I'll give it a fair taste. 

Post-sip thoughts

Nick:

I don't know what kind of pumpkins y'all have up in Maine, but if this is pumpkin flavored, I'm a cartoon pony who's always singing about friendship. There's absolutely no pumpkin taste in this, and no cinnamon taste either, which is almost as important. This tastes like somewhat nasty, vaguely spicy melon soda. Terrible. I like melon soda, and I didn't like this, so you know it must be bad. I want to point out that this is specifically pumpkin PIE flavored, supposedly, so it doesn't even get a pass that straight pumpkin wouldn't have cinnamon or other flavors in it. Real bad.

Katie:

The taste was slimy. Imagine those containers of cubed melon in the grocery store. When they sit around for too long, marinating in their own juices, the fruit gets slimy and mushy. The taste goes from pleasant honeydew and cantaloupe to a quagmire of goo fruit that is becoming alcohol. Not good.

Product #2: Pumpkin Pie Spice Bites

Origin: The depths of Whole Foods' branding team

First looks

Katie:

The snacks remind me of tiny pizza rolls in shape--that is to say, little pillows with filling inside, in this case the filling is apples rather than pepperoni, cheese, and sauce (send an email to this webzone if you want a pizza roll). The smell is quite pleasant, a hint of pumpkin and a strong apple pie smell. I haven't come across a snack like this so I want to be hopefully but my gut is telling me there is a reason I haven't seen crunchy fruit-filled snacky pillows before. What do you think, dear?

Nick:

I think if I see that commercial where the lady goes "I don't have TIME to hash-tag my breakfast!!!!!" one more time I'm going to lose it. Why don't you just get up earlier, stupid??? Grab a banana on the way out? Breakfast bar? Why do you need to hashtag your breakfast in the first place? Guess what: Nobody fucking cares what you're having for breakfast. Unless you're at a nice restaurant and you're having like giant Tonga Toast or something interesting, nobody gives a fuck. I barely care what I'M eating for breakfast, why would I want to read you hashtagging your own boring fucking breakfast? Get over yourself. Ooo, I'm so busy, but my legions of Instagram followers want to know what my BREAKFAST is. Fuck off.

Uh, what were we talking about? Yeah, these pumpkin things. On the outside these look great; they're nice little pasteries covered with the cinnamon sugar that disgusting soda completely forgot is a very important part of the pumpkin experience. The filling, though... the filling haunts my dreams; even on the front of the bag they weren't able to make it look appealing, and I'm dreading biting into a center filled with gross, cold, chunky, chewy apple effluent. We'll see. #prayforthehams

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:

Okay so if your breakfast is exceptional, you're really proud of what you made, or if you find something unexpected in your breakfast (zomg, Bucky Barnes is tiny and swimming around in my Golden French Toast cereal, you guys!!!!) then you can Instagram it. If it's fucking yogurt like in that commercial, shut the front door about it. 

Onto the actual thing we're trying. I thought it was good, reminiscent of the apple cinnamon Pop-tarts they used to make. The outside was pumpkiny but not so much so that it overpowered the apple filling. I'd have some more. 

Nick:

It's a no for me, dog. The filling isn't as disgusting as I expected; it's actually really not that bad, but I can't get over its chewiness. For some reason my mouth just can't stand mixing the crunchy texture of the outside with the chewy texture of the inside. I'm willing to accept this is me being a weird texture purist and not a problem with the snack itself, so I'm going to say these aren't bad, they're just not for me. 

Product #3: Pumpkin Pie Popcorn

Origin: Whole Foods' Pumpkin Warfare Division

First looks

Nick:

Well, I don't have a good feeling about this. I love popcorn, but I don't like popcorn covered in savory toppings (caramel, etc) and that's exactly what this is. Plus, it kind of smells like stale salt instead of the sugary cinnamon I would expect. The best I'm hoping for is acceptability, and I'm bracing myself for the poor popcorn kernel in the center of the "Holiday Spice Blend Covered in Sweet Caramel Sauce" to be a stale little lump of sadness covered with pumpkin-flavored caramel. Also, why are there walnuts in this?

Katie:

Umf. To quote a legendary scoundrel, I've got a bad feeling about this. I've liked flavored popcorn in the past. Oh hold up, we got some breaking news, Nick found a big fused chunk in the bag that he said looks like a tumor. I was thinking it looks like it spent centuries drifting through the warp only to emerge with chaos demons haunting it that the Space Wolves must now destroy. The Emperor Protects, may he light my way through the darkness on the inside of this seasonal popcorn from Whole Foods.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:

Not bad! I'm still not a fan of this type of food, but this is actually pretty good; the popcorn hasn't been destroyed by too much caramel, and the covering is nice and sweet and actually tastes like, well, a pumpkin pie. I think part of my positive feelings also have to do with the aftertaste; somehow this product doesn't taste like a lot when you're actually eating it, but the aftertaste is a really nice, sweet, cinnamon sugary pumpkin flavor. We found a good pumpkin item! Yay! Also, I don't see any walnuts in the bag. Maybe they fell into the bottom; I don't even care. I liked this enough that I'm probably going to even eat the congealed mass of caramel and popcorn I found fused into a large pumpkin tumor.

Katie:

The Emperor of Mankind does in deed protect. These were yummy. I could see myself munching through some while watching an AvE video on YouTube. That being said, I wouldn't recommend trying 5 pumpkin items in a row because now I'm like FUCK PUMPKINS and we're not even done yet. 

Update from Nick: Katie ran off wheezing and looking like she was going to throw up, so maybe we had too much pumpkin today. Uh, I guess I should stop updating this blog and go make sure she's okay. 

All right, she's fine; she got a popcorn kernel in the back of her throat and it felt like she was choking and our cat laid there disinterestedly watching her and perhaps wondering why she wasn't petting him now as she almost died. But she's fine now! Ha ha! Also, the cat followed her downstairs to see if she'd pet him now.

Product #4: Pumpkin Spice Cheesecake Sandwich Cremes

Origin: Whole Foods' Arsenal of Blogger Assassins

First looks

Katie:

This was the one food item I was really looking forward to. I think we've tried their sandwich cookies before--maple maybe?--and I liked it. They smell good, pumpkin in the right ways. I don't think either of us are super cheesecake fans but we can appreciate a good slice now and then from the Cheesecake factory (although I haven't eaten a meal there since they got rid of my one favorite, Thai Chicken Pasta. I used to eat that nearly every week, getting it take out because Nick hates it there since they served him a burger on some stupid piece of arty bread that was not even the right shape to be on a burger). Anyway, don't disappoint me, sandwich cookies. I mean you can't be as bad as the popcorn that tried to kill me but still...don't suck.

Nick:

I just want to clarify how bad that burger was - I ordered a burger well done and I got it on a baguette slice the burger itself was hanging over on both sides, as well as half a pound of fried onions and nothing else on top of it. What the fuck. I know Cheesecake Factory isn't known for burgers, but I think I can expect a little bit more basic competency than that. They're always packed, though, so what do I know. (What I know is to just go to PF Chang's next door instead)

As for these cookies, they smell absolutely delicious, exactly like pumpkin spice cheesecake. I think we've got a winner here, although admittedly the bar is set pretty low; these are going to automatically be better than the last item if they don't try to kill my wife. 

Post-bite thoughts

This is the cat that failed to show concern when I was KOFFING
and WHEEZING. Great job, Greg

Katie:

I also don't like how when you eat there, the tables are so close together I have to literally butt into other people's dinner to sit down. I still miss you, Thai Chicken Pasta (without the chicken). I'll never forget you!

The cookies are good! Like Oreos, I could see myself grabbing two whenever I pass by the box. Approved.

Nick:

Butting into someone else's dinner? That's called a rump roast!!!!!!!!!! Heyoooooooooo! (tap tap) Is this thing on? Okay. So these cookies are delicious - they taste just like they smell, a super sweet, slightly cinnamon, sugary pumpkin taste. Whole Foods really hit it out of the park on these. There's 19 cookies in the box, but they're not going to last very long. I think these are even better than the store brand maple sandwich cookies, and considering how much I love maple that's no small feat. (How much do I love maple? They call me Ol' Maple Kid down at the maple store because I'm always shoving maple sugar candy in my mouth while yelling "MAPLE" and bathing in maple syrup while also screaming "MAPLE" and it's really loud because the bathroom is small and echos a lot. Some of that was true! [Katie note: None of that is true except the bathroom being small])

So overall, really delicious; not just the best item yet, but some of the best cookies I've ever had. Definitely pick up a box if you see some of these.

The blue orb is some "blue
raspberry" sugar water
Nick got from
Stewart's. #adulting

Final Product: Pumpkin spiced Apple Cider

Origin: Apples.

Nick:

I'm glad this is our last item, because I'm getting a little pumpkined-out, fam. On the one hand this item doesn't smell like pumpkin at all - it smells like cinnamon apple, maybe like a high quality apple-flavored baby food - and on the other hand I think that's a good thing as intense pumpkin fatigue is setting in. I'm hoping this is just good apple cider with some kind of cinnamon taste. Also, I promise I'll stop yelling "CIDAH" like Lois from Family Guy. (Eventually.)

Katie:

That's okay, Karate Chop Robot will help you stop.

As Nick said, there's not a real smell to this one aside from the light scent of apples. I am looking for a good apple cider that is faintly pumpkin for this to be a win. 

I'm also getting real sick of pumpkin. The very word pumpkin has lost all meaning. 

Post-sip thoughts

True Disney fans will notice Aladdin's
hat is wrongly red while
Jasmine only wore red in
the scenes where Jafar kept
her and the Sultan as slaves.
Her top was never black either
but that's hard to see in the photo.

Nick:

I broke the karate chop robot!!!! And they lost the blueprints so they can't rebuild it! And the land sharks all died along with all the ticklers in the same accident that killed that creepy old man voice you hate. 

As for this cider, it's... odd. The most powerful taste is the cinnamon spice, and underneath that there's a vague apple flavor; the pumpkin is nowhere to be found, which is frankly fine with me right now. It's not bad, but I think I'd rather just drink regular old apple juice, quite honestly; I'm sure we'll chug this bottle at some point and I won't spare it another thought.

Katie:

I can't say I'm a big fan. It's not bad, but it's not good either. I agree with Nick...there's no real apple taste and zero pumpkin. Our neighbors are doing a saxophone solo right now and it's really hard to come up with descriptive things to say about this sub-par apple cider. I'm just going to end my thoughts here. We had quite the ride, didn't we? I almost died, Nick kept yelling CIDAH, and my one cat was a dick who didn't care about my life at all (and this is the one who cuddles under the blankets with us and licks my neck all the time). Would I try 5 pumpkin things over the course of 2 hours again? Probably not. Would I try 5 pumpkin things over the course of an all-day trip through the Epcot World showcase during the Food and Wine fest? Hells yes. 

Nick's final thought: CIDAH. Hey, what are you doing? stop tickling mewrhgiogijaeoprwtu7b b b b b b b b b b b b b n.v,m

Cheese Waffles

Product: Waffles with cheese souffle with cherry
Origin: Russia

First looks

Nick:
At very first glance I'm like "Oh, a waffle" but when picking it up to photograph it I realized these look more like a waffle sandwich with extremely pink filling in between and now I don't really know what to make of these. I like waffles, I like cherry (both real and "cherry") so, um, should be good? They smell like a Twinkie, which is a little odd. At least they're not gluten free?

Katie:
This is not the first time we've tried a waffle. I poked one and it felt firm yet supple so it's definitely not stale.  For anyone wondering about the title, there was a label on the back and that's what it said. I'm thinking cheese is supposed to be cream? I think I liked the last Russian thing (link) so I'm optimistic here. After all, pink is the color of Pinkie Pie and Pinkie Pie is the party pony and parties are fun so therefore these must be fun.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
Wow, I really like this! The waffles are nice and sweet and crumbly, and the filling looks scary but tastes very sweet with just a hint of cherry flavor. I ate my whole thing. I have no idea what the filling is actually made out of, but it's quite tasty. I guess the only caveat is that it's so sweet you'll need some water to finish the whole, uh, waffle sandwich. I would definitely get this again.

Katie:
Another win for Russia! The waffles were great--fluffy yet a little cakey--with a great sweetness that wasn't overwhelming at all. See? We can like stuff. That's how you know something is quality...Katie and Nick like it. If you're in Russia and you see this, buy it (also take cool pictures and send them to us). Or if you subscribe to Munchpak, you can look forward to getting this in one of your boxes!

S'mores pretzels

Product: Sweet and Salty pretzel pieces--S'mores
Origin: USA

First looks

Nick:
I like S'mores and I really like chocolate-covered pretzels, so I've got a good feeling about these. Also, they smell delicious. I'm very curious to see if Katie's going to try these given that they're s'mores flavor since she has a very deep, irrational hatred towards marshmallows, but I think it's a texture thing, so she'll probably have some of these. Did I mention these smell really good?

Katie:
Full disclosure--I've never actually eaten a real s'more (which for any one who may not know is a graham cracker, marshmallow, and piece of chocolate typically heated over a campfire though I think any heat source is probably fine) and I also do not like marshmallows. They're fluffy-firm and covered in dusty stuff. No. Maybe I've just been exposed to bad ones or something. I did have some marshmallows roasted over a grill at someone's house once but then I ate way too many in a row so I went from "Erma gerd" to "Do not want".
Back to the actual item we're reviewing. The pretzel pieces look like someone put a bunch of large hard pretzels in a ziploc then went to town with a small mallet. Covered in chocolate, they do look delicious. Nick has already started munching as I'm typing and the fact that he's been noming on them this entire time bodes well.

Post-bite thoughts

These kind of look like weird rocks.
I don't have a joke or anything, they just look weird!!!

Nick:
"Fluffy-firm and covered in dusty stuff"????? I think Katie's been trying to eat the old pillows in my closet. (Why do I have old pillows in my closet? There usually isn't room in the garbage can to fit them because Katie buys new ones all the time because they get 'lumpy' or 'weird'. She has a whole system where some are in use and some are rehabbing like a farmer who just discovered crop rotation)
Anyway, these are great. They taste like really nice chocolate on pretzels. I'm going to stop typing now so I can eat some more of these.

Katie:
Thanks for giving these to us, Brenda! They're really good! I can see why you warned us to take more than one bite as one of my pieces did taste a little over done. The other pieces were quite yummy.  If you like hard pretzels, chocolate, and a little toasted marshmallow flavor, pick these up at the store.
That is, unless you're that rapscallion bridge.  No s'mores for you, Linton Stephens covered bridge.

Bruschette Bites

Product: Bruschette Bites--Tomato, Olives, and Oregano
Origin: Bulgaria

First looks

Katie:
When I saw these in the store, they piqued my interest. I thought they'd be crunchy pizza-ish tasting snacks from Michigan or something. They are made in Bulgaria. Seriously. Whaaaaaaat? I'm not doubting Bulgaria can make excellent food, I'm just surprised. Fingers crossed.  PS I've always spelled and have seen it spelled in restaurants with an A despite the bag spelling it with two Es. Is it a regional thing like pop versus soda?

Nick:
Why are there olives in this? I don't have my PhD in bruschetta yet, but I've never had it with olives. The smell is also extremely weird, so I'm worried about these. The texture at least looks nice - these look like tiny little pieces of garlic bread, which I suppose is right on. That smell, though. I feel like Agent Smith in that scene where he's talking to Morpheus and he's like "THE SMELL!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
I'm seriously impressed with these. They don't taste at all like the weird odor they emit; they actually taste like, well, garlic bread with tomato, and the texture really feels like, well, garlic bread. I think I actually like these quite a bit. I mean, something from a bag is never going to be as good as fresh garlic bread with real tomatoes and cheese on it, but this is pretty dang close. I feel like Agent Smith in a deleted scene where for some reason he's eating bruschetta bites out of a bag and he's pleasantly surprised by how authentic they taste.

Katie:
The crunch is good, not too mouth-destroying like a giant bowl of Froot Loops can be. The taste, as Nick mentioned, is like garlic bread and tomatoes without crossing the line into an obliviously fake food taste. If you see these, pick them up if you like bruschetta.

Hello Kitty...things

Product: Hello Kitty candy of some kind
Origin: Taiwan

First looks

Katie:
A friend brought these back from his trip to Taiwan. They're gummy so it's random fact time brought to you by Wikipedia's random article feature. I can't wait to see what interesting thing comes up this time!!!  Did you know that "Linton Stephens Covered Bridge, also known as Linton Stevens Covered Bridge, is a historic wooden covered bridge located in Elk Township and New London Township, Chester County, Pennsylvania"? Oh my gosh! This bridge must be really important. Maybe William Penn washed his pants in that spot or something. Let's keep reading! "It is a 102-foot-long (31 m) Burr truss bridge, constructed in 1886." Oh okay, so it's only a little over a hundred years old. That's still...something. Maybe Teddy Roosevelt did something cool there? It has to be historic for a reason right? "It crosses Big Elk Creek." Aw yus! Show that creek who's boss, Linton Stephens Covered Bridge! "It was listed on the National Register of Historic Places in 1980."  That's it? No cool thing happened there? It wasn't the site of a women's march for the vote or anything? It's just some dumb covered bridge that isn't one of the Bridges of Madison County or even the one from Beetlejuice? Come the french toast on, guys. It's just a bridge? It's really just a bridge. Biscuit-eating son of a bulldog.
(all quotes from here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Linton_Stephens_Covered_Bridge)

Nick:
The cover of this bag yells "DESIRE Hello Kitty" and I'm not sure I'm really capable of that, but sure, I'll eat her head in various colors. The red and orange smell pretty good (orange in particular has a very nice scent), while the green and yellow are a little more hinky. I think these will be okay as long as the yellow isn't pineapple, the green isn't apple and the Linton Stephens covered bridge gets a more interesting Wikipedia page.

Post-bite thoughts

Kitty White has no mouth and she must scream

Nick:
Nice and chewy gummis. I bit Hello Kitty's face right in half. The red is pretty good; kind of a dark cherry flavor. Well, you know, not cherry, "cherry" where any resemblance to a real fruit is incidental. The orange isn't a good as it smells; it's fake orange that isn't too good (nowhere near as disgusting as those orange soda twizzlers, but I don't really care for fake orange flavor). Green is indeed green apple and it's fucking disgusting. I could barely choke down the chunks of destroyed Hello Kitty face. Yellow is not pineapple; I think it's actually the best flavor, nice and sweet. Kinda mango-y? It's hard to tell the flavors, they're all fake af. Pretty good overall, much better than that piece of shit Linton Stephens covered bridge. #micdrop

Katie:
Yeah, he's calling you out, Linton Stephens covered bridge. You probably don't even support real traffic. Bet your dumb ass is local traffic only like some busted street undergoing maintenance! Why do you have house siding on you? Are you too ashamed of how lame a historic landmark you are that you want to be a house? Do you want me to live inside you, Linton Stephens Bridge? I know what your plan is. You want me to go all up inside you then BLAM, I'm lunch for a bridge. I'm not falling for that again.

This is what he betrayed Aslan for

Product: Turkish Delight & Rose Flavor
Origin: Istanbul, Turkey

First looks

Katie:
I have only ever heard of this because it's what Edward(?) betrays Aslan for in the Narnia books. The ice queen was like "want some?" and the kid's all "Of course, I'll betray my brother and sisters whom I love and this cool lion I just met for some Turkish Delight".  No clue what this is going to taste like but considering it makes you want to betray the Jesus allegory lion, it must be good, right? Right? I mean Aslan DIED as a result of this candy. he got better

Nick:
What is this? For some reason I thought this was going to be like brittle or something, but it seems like a mildly gelatinous cube covered with sugar. And it smells like a flower shop. Huh. Maybe Edward just grew up when candy sucked. I mean, people are all nostalgic for the old days, but that's before they had even one flavor of Dorito, let alone all different kinds of rainbow belts and stuff. Just going off the smell my hopes aren't too high for this, but maybe flower stores taste delicious. Hopefully I'll take a bite and then be shouting "That's Aslan-betraying good!!!!"

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
This is worth betraying Aslan for? What kind of shit life did Edward have that he thought this janky cube was good? Is this a different thing than he was eating? I haven't read the book or watched the movie in a while but I was under the impression they weren't starving or anything. Why would you betray your family for this stupid crap? It's awful. The powdered sugar was fine but the minute my teeth hit that gelatinous center, it was a big nope.  Okay, I know this was during the war and they were sent to the guy with the wardrobe's house to not get bombed and die but come the french toast on. You suck, Edward.

Nick:
Not good. The texture is okay - a very firm gummi - but it really falls down on the taste. I'll give these credit that they actually do have a strong rose flavor, but that's a taste I could really do without. Go find a rose, stick your nose right up in it and take a sniff and that's what these taste like. Was anyone asking for this? This feels very old-person candy, like you'd have to eat some of this when your grandma gave it to you. How far we've come. On the betraying Aslan scale, these wouldn't even tempt me to post mean tweets about him.

Pepperidge Farm remembers

Product: Mint Milano Cookies
Origin: Pepperidge Farms

First looks

Nick:
I think Katie got these just so she can do that "Pepperidge Fahm remembers!!!!" bit, and I honestly don't have much to say about these without stepping on her bit. They look good, they smell good, and I'm sure they'll taste good. I don't really have any jokes, but can I just enjoy a nice snack for once that's not like GMO-free scale-on fish chips or something? Jeesh!!!! Remember me enjoying these cookies, pepperidge farms!




Katie:
Pepperidge Fahm remembers!!!!!!!!!!!

I remember feeling quite fancy whenever I was treated with milano cookies or the square chess ones (which were not as good if I'm remembering correctly). I think the packaging was what made milano cookies fancy? Who the hell knows, I was a dumb kid. I thought it would be a cool idea to see what dirt tastes like (bad) and that digging a hole in the neighbor's yard would a) allow me to access Fraggle Rock and b) stop burglars. We even elaborately hid the hole with that wire gardening stuff and an ass-ton of pine needles (thanks for not minding us destroying your yard, Aunt Betty and Uncle Bob). So yeah, Pepperidge Fahm remembers (me digging holes in the neighbor's yard and making Star Trek phasers from nailed together pieces of wood).

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
Wow, these are great! To the surprise of none, I suppose. I remember the Milano taste not being quite sweet enough for me as a tween who thought eating these made me worldly and sophisticated, but the mint chocolate is absolutely delicious. BTW, how was that hole going to stop the burglar, were they going to fall in or like Fraggles would charge out and kill them or what?

Katie:
I am fancy af now.
The plan was; burglars wouldn't be coming from the front. We lived on a circle street so bad guys couldn't sneak up without all the other houses seeing. So of course, they're going to come from the back! So Stealy McRobbington is stealthing all up on Bobby and Megan's house when BLAM! The trap is spring and that dude is going down! Like maybe two or three feet but still...we would have foiled his nefarious plot to steal our Nintendos. Could have leapt out with our wooden phaser guns and everything.

Stubborn Soda

I was going to add the backward
B to the post title but I don't know
how and also I'm lazy.

Product: Agave Vanilla Cream Soda
Origin: Florida, US

First looks

Nick:
I've been accused of being pretty stubborn, so I guess I should like this? Is this soda for stubborn people, or is the soda stubborn? I don't even know what that would look like, actually. This soda doesn't have much agency, it basically just sits in a glass after you pour it out.
That being said I like cream soda, so I don't think it will take much to get me to like this. It smells vanilla-y, which is good, and also slightly fruity, which is, uh, not so promising. Don't let me down, stubborn soda! I'm not wrong, y'all just didn't Google the search term properly!

Katie:
I think the soda is only for stubborn people. Mountain Dew is only for people who've slept on a mountain all night, Dr. Pepper is only for doctors...you get the lame punchline I'm going for. This should be good but I've had some weird tasting cream soda in my day. Fingers crossed.

Post-sip thoughts

Nick has elegant fingers. Like the
hero of a bodice ripper. Except
he doesn't look like Fabio. Hey, he
could be a hand model!

Nick:
Yes, it's post-sip thoughts this time!! I definitely like this better than Bear Wizz, but I'm not really sure what to make of the taste; it does indeed have a mild fruity note underneath the vanilla flavor. It's not bad at all, and I think I like it, it's just not what you expect when taking a sip of cream soda. I'm definitely going to drink all of the bottles we already have (well, I'm not literally going to drink the bottle. I'm going to drink what's inside the bottle. Stop being ridiculous!), but I don't know if I'd get more; if I want cream soda I'd probably get Stewart's or something with a more traditional taste. But I don't want to be hard on this stuff, it really is pretty good. I'd recommend at least trying it if you see it (I'm not sure how far the Stubborn distribution network goes past the Price Chopper out by Chili's). A solid (Confused Tim Allen sound).

Katie:
If this had been my first ever cream soda, I would have liked it more. As it is, I already really like Stewart's and A&W cream soda better. My taste-pectation was set up for the cream soda flavor I'm used to, but I was met with a fruity note as Nick mentioned, a butterscotchy inference, and a very sweet cream tone (I got all these wine tasting references from watching tv shows). Oh wait, I forgot the mouthfeel. It's...bubbly as one expects from soda.
I think calling it cream soda is a disservice. It would have been better to call it Agave Vanilla soda, dissociate with the recollection taste of cream soda and let it stand on its own. As my dear husband best friend forever (MLP references!) said, it's pretty good...it's just not what I want from a cream soda.

Take our nuts out of their shell

Shuck you, guys. Go shuck yourselves. 

Product: Bobalu Nuts "The Handful" honey, cinnamon
Origin: California

First looks

Katie:
So now I have to do your work for you and shuck my own nuts? If I wanted to shuck my own nuts (which I don't, the only food I like freeing from its natural packaging is a banana), I would just go find a nut bush (tree?) and pick them myself.
On the back, there are directions on how to eat these. Step one: Suck 'em. Get it? Cause they're nuts. Step two: Shuck 'em. Okay so now I have to take them out of my mouth after they've been covered in spit to take them apart? Why does this have to be so gross? This is like a horribly written fan fiction by a 12 year old who doesn't know how sex works. What other food even works like this? I'm officially not eating these now. Step 3: Chuck 'em. Oh so now you want us to litter? Great, we can have disgusting spit-covered nut shells all over our house. Just want I always wanted. Good job, Koji.

Lazy motherfuckers

Nick:
I don't understand this product at all. I'm supposted to take an unshelled almond that Bobalu is too lazy to shuck himself (but has covered in honey cinnamon sugar?), suck on it for a while, take it OUT of my mouth, shuck it myself, throw the shell away, and then eat the almond inside? Hey Bobalu, here's a free tip for you: How about you just SHUCK THE ALMOND FOR ME AND PUT THE FLAVORING ON THE PART I CAN ACTUALLY EAT? Is there a shortage of almond shuckers? You can't like build a machine to do this or something?

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
Since I don't want to play around with my own spit as I'm not longer 3, I'm not doing this. This is a big nope.  I'd rather eat the salmon jerky again and that gave me the ooky shivers. Instead, here's a picture of the Dabrowski coat of arms.

Wikipedia yelled at me
to credit this: By No machine-readable author provided. Mathiasrex assumed (based on copyright claims). - No machine-readable source provided. Own work assumed (based on copyright claims)., CC BY 2.5, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=1935758

Nick:
At the mall there's a store called Gertrude Hawk (I think) and they'll take nuts - including almonds! - and dip them in cinnamon sugar. These are like that, except Getrude Hawk takes the shell off; what you have here is a bad idea where you have to suck on the shell (which admittedly tastes very nice) until it softens up, then take the shell out of your mouth, throw it away and eat the almond inside. Except the almond inside, since the shell hasn't been removed, has no flavoring on it, so it just taste like a boring old unflavored almond. Hey Bobalu, I have some advice for you on how to improve these. Put your ear right up against the screen. That's right. Okay, ready?

JUST PUT THE SUGAR ON THE FUCKING ALMOND NEXT TIME. Jesus.

Kitty cookies

Product: Scottish Wild Kittens Pure Butter Shortbread Shapes
Origin: Scotland

First looks

Nick:
ARE THESE MADE OUT OF SCOTTISH WILD KITTENS???? I want it written down that I do not support this product. Scottish wild kittens should be taking naps in the sun and falling over in adorable animated gifs posted to /r/awww instead of being made into "shortbread shapes". The, uh, shapes themselves look like boring ol' cookies, so I get the feeling that the box is going to be the most interesting part of these. Also, they stuck a huge nutritional sticker over the charming story on the back, so I can only make out something about the tranquility of delicious produce and whiskey tumblers straight from the bakery. Boo.

Katie:
So cute! Since the cute story was covered up, I'm making my own. Mama Cat worked hard at the bakery, drinking a whiskey tumbler now and then to keep her spirits up. Her three sons, Hamish, Donal, and David, aspired to be a great Scottish folk band. Every day, Hamish sang while Donal danced and David played the bagpipes. They eventually went viral on one of those weird European singing shows where the judges are like "Cor, ye wankers nicked me luv, yew did" and signed a big fame and fortune contract like Kermit the Frog at the end of that Muppets movie and they were rich but cats don't really need much money and Mama Cat wanted to invest for the future when they became an old meme so she bought a factory with their earnings and created the Scottish Wild Kittens company to sell shortbread shapes.


Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
Well, these aren't bad, but I don't know if they're good enough to sacrifice any wild kittens. The texture is really nice - light, crunchy, and flaky. The flavor, though... I guess it's like mild butter? There's just not much taste here. Maybe I'm too American to be eating these and I'm expecting a huge taste explosion where my mouth is running at the camera going AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA while everything is blowing up behind it in a goofy green screen effect, and these are more like a mild butter puff of air my mouth is eating while laying in bed on a rainy Sunday afternoon with a cup of warm tea reading a book and petting a sleeping kitten. A sleeping Scottish wild kitten!!! Full circle!!!!!!!

Katie:
I must have been having terrible shortbread all my life because I thought I'd hate these. My previous impression of shortbread was that it was dry, tasteless, and gross...cookies for people without tastebuds who would melt if anything tasted like something. These cookies are good. Like Nick said, I might be too American to enjoy these fully but they are good. I reached for another after my initial taste cookie. Good job, Mama Cat.

It's Like Twizzlers but Orange Soda???????

Product: Crush Orange Twizzlers
Origin: Minnesota, US

First looks

Nick:
Euggghhhh. I've had very bad luck with soda-flavored items, and these look a little hinky. Also, they smell weird. And they're sticky. I'm afraid if these don't taste good they'll have offended every sense I have.

Katie:
Oh man, these are going to be gross. The smell is sickly sweet like something rotting and festering. There is nothing orange about the smell. It's like someone drank a lot of orange juice, peed that orange juice out, and now you're smelling oj pee. I like orange soda usually, but this is going to be foul.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
WOW these are bad. They taste just like they smell, which is to say extremely gross fake orange chemical, and the aftertaste is a weird bitter chemical tang. Did we get a bad batch of these? I can't believe this is what these are meant to taste like. There's absolutely nothing to like about these except the sense of heroism you get knowing they can't hurt anyone else as you slam dunk them in the garbage. Yuck.

Katie:
I was making baby's first lemon face the whole time. Disgusting. Remember when everyone was outraged at Whole Foods for selling asparagus water that was just some asparagus chilling in a water bottle?  Imagine that but with orange slices only they've been left in the sun and the orange slices melted away into unrecognizable floating orange flotsam. That's this. That is how gross these are. Do not buy this, even as a goof. They are disgusting. If you want some good soda-flavored stuff, get the Jelly Belly soda line. Those are good.

Truffle Shuffle

Product: Limited Edition Birthday Cake Truffles from Godiva
Origin: Belgium

First looks

Katie:
Godiva was a real person. Go read about the woman bringing you high-end chocolate today. I'm not typically into eating much chocolate, but these look good. White chocolate is especially decadent, which these appear to be just from the look. Birthday Cake is fast becoming the new bacon, it seems. I think that's a good development because I've had some nasty fake bacon products (not even like the fake bacon almonds which just tasted like salt, like bacon-flavored microwave popcorn that tasted like microwaved butt in a bag). Birthday cake forever!!!

Nick:
Wait, this is the woman bringing us high-end chocolate? I'm pretty sure we got these at Burlington Coat Factory. I think I'd remember a naked lady on a horse bringing us these. I think that would be super awkward though, if they're not good and she's like "How do you like my decadent chocolate," and you'd have to be like oh haha yeah they sure are great I'll just eat the rest of them later.
I do think these at least are going to be good - the only bad birthday cake thing I've ever had is those organic gummi bears, and I trust Godiva to make a good truffle. I like white chocolate, too (and don't bother being like "OH IT'S NOT CHOCOLATE, IT'S JUST COCOA BUTTER". I like the taste! BTFO haters!!!) so I have high hopes for these.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
Yasssss, queen! These are good!!!! White chocolate on fleek. Go to the store and buy the french toast out of these before they're gone. Totes Amazeballs. Awesomesauce. Propose to your bae with these. Not savage. I can't think of more ways to awkwardly use slang to tell you to buy these.

Nick:
OMG fam, these are #LIT AF. Super sweet, and the inside just melts in your mouth; there's also little nonpariels (BTW, is there a regular pariel? I'm too lazy to look) to chew. I think this is the best candy we've had yet. I'm not sure it tastes super birthday cakey (more like very smooth vanilla with a slight cake overtone), but it's absolutely delicious. These aren't going to last long.