11.04.2017

The Great Extrusion

Product: BBQ Corn Mix
Origin: New York City!!!

First looks

Nick:
Hey, this is a bag, not a box - shouldn't it be the nutbag you know what, never mind now that I'm seeing that typed out. There's not much to go on from the bag; it looks like it's just corn with BBQ flavoring on it, which seems hard to mess up. Even better, guess what the main ingredient is? Extruded corn balls! If y'all know me, you know I never shut up about extruded corn balls. "Extruded corn balls!!!!!" I'll bellow, kicking the door to Katie's room open at 6 AM and firing my M16 into the ceiling, causing thousands of dollars worth of damage. So, high hopes for these.

Katie:
Extruded is not a pleasing word. It should not be associated with food except in post production.  These look unappealing and smell bad. Nick has the bag open on the other side of the couch and the smell is wafting over here. It's like a bad bean fart. I don't want to put bad bean farts in my mouth. Also, despite the fact that this says New York City in multiple places on the bag...it says 'Product of Spain' in tiny letters on the back. So we stole this from Spain? This is like...plagiarized corn mix? Someone alert the APA, we got some plant plagiarizers over here.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
THEY MESSED UP THE EXTRUDED CORN BALLS. I'm standing in the rain firing my M16 into the sky crying sexily right now at how bad these are. The texture is fine - as always the extruded corn balls are 10/10 - but the taste... wow. What happened? This isn't BBQ; it tastes like a huge piece of pepper farted into an old cigarette and then I had to smoke the pepper fart cigarette. These are real bad, dude. What the hell happened here?  Terrible! (Or, as they say in Spain, el terrible![That looks like you'd pronounce it the same way, but you go 'el ter-ee-blay'. True facts])

Katie:
These corn mix mess-ups are bad. I'm imagining a GOLD STAR vegan (someone who's never eaten an animal product in their life) who has never eaten barbeque before--because they don't eat meat--made this. "It's like spicy, right?" they ask, reaching for a single pepper flake with which to flavor their extruded corn balls. "I hope they can handle how real this is!" Goldie exclaims, burying the one pepper flake under mounds of salt and sunflower oil (sunflowers have oil now? Jeezy, the last thing I used a sunflower for was to fashion it into a kickass staff so I could pretend to be Donatello...course that was like last week so...).

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