Origin: Cumberland Farms
First looks
Nick:
I'm very suspicious right now. These are billed as sweet potato fries, and I guess I don't see why you couldn't take a sweet potato, chop it into a french fry shape, fry it and sell it in a bag, but these smell like stale cinnamon and it's giving me pause. Also, the first ingredient is corn meal. Guess what the sweet potato part is? "Sweet Potato Powder". Is this just sweet-potato flavored corn meal?!!?!?! Katie, what do you make of this?
Katie:
Maybe it's failed astronaut food? I'm a little scared that this is "food" in the same way saw dust and shoe leather are food during a long siege. At least it smells nice!
Post-bite thoughts
Oh, these are weird. They're definitely puffed corn meal with "sweet potato" flavoring on them. They kind of taste like an airy Cheeto with fake sweet potato flavoring on it instead of cheese. The texture is actually quite nice, and I think I'd like this with cheese on it, but the sweet potato flavoring itself is, uh, not great; the corn has a sweet taste that clashes with the salt and sweet potato flavor in a way I'm not really enjoying very much. Swing and a miss, I think. Also, not a great sign the first product in this live spectacular is lying to us about what it is. I trusted you, Cumbies!!! We should have gotten some of that blueberry soda that turns your poop green!
Katie:
Ew! Nicholas, no one is going to read your comments if you keep talking about that. I'm telling Mickey and he's going to shake his head disapprovingly as soon as we get to Disney World.
Anyway, these chips were...not gross, I guess. They tasted enough like sweet potato and zero like butt so that's something. I'm struggling to describe why the chips don't work. You've heard of the uncanny valley, I'm assuming. These chips taste enough like sweet potato to make me think of a sweet potato but also not enough to really be like one so I'm in the uncomfortable uncanny valley of flavoring.
Product #2
Product: Parmesan and Garlic Fries
Origin: Duh.
Katie:
Oh boy, Nick is going to hate these. I'm not sure I'm going to like them either. They look like green beans after Bunnicula ate them. There's no smell to speak of so that might be a point in its favor. Usually, Parmesan doesn't translate well to fake processed cheese. My hope is to like at least one of these but I don't think it's going to be this one.
Nick:
Well, I don't have any worries about the texture based on the last fries, but the taste... I mean, I love garlic, and Parmesan is also, uh, a thing that exists, so maybe... hmm. Well, I don't have high hopes for this, but you never know. Maybe I'll love them and we'll be stopping at Cumbies all the time to get these and that soda I'm not supposed to talk about because Mickey Mouse is mad now.
Post-bite thoughts
Bland. It's like someone made garlic bread but forgot they were out of garlic except for a few atoms of garlic powder in an expired spice container. I didn't get any Parm taste but that's probably good. I can't imagine it would have added anything. These were fine. If one of my work peeps had a bag and gave me some, I'd eat like three sticks again but I'd be wishing they were something else. 0 for 2, Cumbies.
Nick:
Spoiler alert, we put these in order of weirdness from least to most, so if it's 0-2 right now, it's probably not going to get above 0 in the hit column. As for these, "bland" sums it all up. I've noticed with some flavors, like when we try a "bacon" item made by vegans, it's just salt, and apparently whoever made this is a vampire who's never tasted garlic because it's just salty. Tastes like vaguely salty nothing. Not good, dog.
Product #3
Product: Beer-battered onion rings
Nick:
Well, I don't like beer and I don't like onion rings, which would normally be a bad sign, but the theme here seems to be at best a passing resemblance to the item these things are imitating, so, maybe it won't be too bad? Let me guess: It's going to be cornmeal shaped into another item with a sprinkling of flavoring on it and salt. They actually do smell slightly oniony, so we'll see, but I don't have my hopes up.
Katie:
I like onion rings. I don't drink beer but I like it in the cheese fondue at The Melting Pot and other foods. I find myself agreeing with my comrade, the trend for these has not be good so far. Maybe they'll at least taste like onions! Or at the very least, not like a stinky foot.
Post-bite thoughts
Well, they don't taste anything like beer or onions. They actually taste like really good BBQ potato chips. In fact, if you just think of them as round, airy BBQ potato chips, these are actually really tasty. I think this is the only item we'd tried so far where I'm not only going to finish the bag, but I would get more. I'd suggest just rebranding these as like "BBQ-Os" or something and I think they'd be a hit! I'm glad these don't taste anything like what they're supposed to!
Katie:
There's onion if you squint. As if someone took french onion soup then added way too much water. For size comparison, the chip is Godzilla and the onion-flavor is a human standing next to Godzilla. I'd have some of Nick's bag if he gets these again but I couldn't handle a whole bag on my own. Look for these next time you go to Cumbies (if there is one near you).
Product #4
First looks
Katie:
When Nick opened the bag, he gagged. Oh jeez. This isn't going to be a good one. At least we fulfilled my hope of liking one thing from this experiment! We suffer so you don't have to. "What do Mac and Cheese bites from Cumberland Farms taste like?!" you no longer need to shout in agony as you toss and turn in sweat-soaked sheets at 3 am. You're welcome. Like a few other things we've reviewed, these have no smell...which helps them hide from predators. I got nothing. I don't even like real mac and cheese bites. Ffffffffffffffffffffffffff.
Nick:
I got a snootful of old foot smell when opening the bag. The back promises "tangy cheddar," but since we live in a world gone mad where nothing tastes like anything it's supposted to anymore, who knows what this is actually going to be? Watermelon? Blue peaches? Old butt juice? We'll see; I'm not terribly confident whatever flavoring they put on the corn this time is going to be great, but you never know.
Post-bite thoughts
It's oddly sweet. It tastes like very mass-produced--albeit well-meaning--buffet mac and cheese. The kind where the cheese is so mild and so inoffensive that even stupid babies can eat it. It's not awful, you think as you scoop another spoonful into your mouth because the line to get the food was so long and you really don't want to go back up there especially seeing as how your SO isn't back to the table yet and you don't want anyone to steal your stuff so you have to keep eating this bland af mac and cheese, but it's not exactly good.
Nick:
These are pretty good! They taste like someone added too much milk to Kraft macaroni and cheese so it doesn't taste like much and then they added sugar to try and cover up the crime. The sweetness works surprisingly well with the creaminess of the cheese; I have no idea how they managed to get the flavoring on these little corn cylinders to actually taste like creamy (albiet very cheap) cheese, but they did it. I'm as shocked as everyone else. Hey, a happy ending!
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