Origin: California, US
First looks
Katie:
I picked this up mainly because it's called Lawless Jerky and Lucy Lawless is awesome. She is talented both as an actor and singer and she's gorgeous. Go look at a picture of her right now and tell me she's not a beautiful woman. Xena and Gabrielle were very special to me, is what I'm saying. Anyway. Jerky. It smells good. The texture is more of the tougher kind of jerky like Damn Good rather than the softer kind like Krave. I'm really hoping it doesn't take too much to chew like Damn Good because while I like their teriyaki flavor, I don't like chewing meat for minutes at a time. Bleck.
Nick:
Like Katie, I'm really hoping this is going to be less chewy than Damn Good jerky; I'm afraid I've been spoiled by Krave jerky, which is expensive, but it's extremely soft and flavorful. I am not a jerky snob, I want to make that clear, just that anyone not spending $40 on a small container of Krave jerky is a fucking peasant who probably lives in a dirt hut spending their entire winter chewing a piece of very hard jerky. That's all. This smells good, so I think it's all going to come down to texture.
Post-bite thoughts
Wow, Nick's last few lines there had me thinking back to Survivorman and Les Stroud hunkered down in some godforsaken snow cave, hoping his meager fire and sliver of food will keep him alive (spoilers: he does not die in any of the Survivorman episodes as of the time of this writing, Les Stroud ftw).
The jerky itself was bland and dry. I didn't detect any teriyaki taste but at least it didn't just taste like plain meat. I don't think I'd be having more of this but I can't bring myself to get too mad because I didn't have to chew it for an entire commercial break like some jerky. If you find yourself on the Oregon Trail and your choices are eating this, dysentery, or your wagon overturning while fording a goddamn one foot deep river...pick this?
PS Here lies andy; peperony and chease
Nick
(INTERIOR - POLICE STATION QUESTIONING ROOM. A package of LAWLESS JERKY sits on the table. NICK enters, kicking the door open in a rage).
NICK: Okay, punk. WHERE'S THE TERIYAKI FLAVOR?
(no response)
NICK: Oh, a wise guy? (NICK picks up the jerky and reads the front of the bag: "Aloha Teriyaki") Does Aloha mean "Goodbye"? Because there's no teriyaki flavor on this beef jerky! This is the least flavorful jerky I've ever had. You should be called "Vague Pepper Kind Of" flavor! Oh, they're gonna love you in the big house, pal! They're gonna chew you up and spit you out! Or, I guess, they might chew you up a bit because your texture isn't bad, then they're gonna wonder where all your flavor is!
(And scene.)
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