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| *barf* Oh wait, someone already did and it's in this box and for sale. |
Origin: The 9th Circle of Hell (but really the UK)
First looks
Nick:
Oh my god. What is this? Is this food? This is not food. This literally looks like someone puked into the box and sold it to us. Look at this!!! Look at it! You want me to eat this for your amusement, is that it? You're going to laugh at my suffering? You sicken me. Not as much as these gluten-free (Of course it's gluten free! Of course! What else would it be!) "cracker" that was probably thought up by Satan when he got tired of making ever more annoying internet ads. I took a tenative sniff and this smells like stale gross play-doh. Katie, do I really have to try this? Aren't we allowed to not eat stuff that's clearly English barf in a box?
Katie:
Yes, we do. We really do. This is what the Dark Lord pukes up after a long eon of chewing on the three betrayers--Judas, Brutus, and Cassius. This honestly looks and smells like what my cats puke up after they spend all day stupidly eating things out of the garbage. This looks like all the gross gunk Jon Taffer and Gordon Ramsay are always finding in bar and restaurant kitchens.
But I persisted through the salmon jerky, I can persist through this.
I hope.
Post-bite thoughts
 |
| Barf with bug carapaces and poop drizzles |
WELL. This is not quite as bad as I thought it would be, but considering I thought it would kill me and my funeral would be a bunch of angry people wailing "Why did he even try that dreadful biscuit!!!" that's not really saying much. The taste is actually not offensive; it mostly tastes like nothing, with a very vague kind of baked pumpkin flavor. What I did not expect is that the texture is the main offender. This has the texture that I would imagine you would get if you took a big handful of dirt and burned the shit out of it, except burned dirt would have an excuse for being disgusting. It's extremely hard in the way where it shatters into shards as your poor teeth attempt to destroy it. I know the stereotype is that British people have bad teeth, but they must have the world's strongest chompers to eat this stuff. Even if this tasted great - and it barely tastes acceptable - it wouldn't be worth the horrible texture, disgusting smell, or nauseating appearance of this tool of the devil. Shame on you, Mister Free'd. Shame on you.
PS I'm still kind of hungry.
Katie:
That was awful. It was so hard I found myself believing I was on an 18th century sailing vessel trying to get down some hard tack. The taste was burnt old wheat and dumpy salt. There was no cheddar or pumpkin flavor at all--maybe I'm supposed to imagine it--and there aren't even enough words to describe how little I wanted to eat it. I'm starting to think gluten free is code for when you want to punish yourself, like how people used to go around whipping themselves but you can't do that anymore so you buy some horrible crap like this that punishes you even worse but it punishes your eyes, nose, and mouth instead of your back where you'd whip yourself. Just wear a hair shirt instead of eating this. Thanks, Satan. What a great gift you've given us this day.
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