Halloween special

Product #1: Candy corn M&M's
Origin: USA

First looks

Katie:
The M&M's are larger than the regular kind, colored only yellow, orange, and white to match the traditional candy corn colors. Do people really eat candy corn anymore? I know I'll have a piece or two if offered but I don't think I've ever bought any myself. I have a candy corn candy from Yankee Candle so I suppose that's something. I'm hoping this will have a good candy corn flavor without being too sugary.

Nick:
I like candy corn and I like m&m's, so I have high hopes for these. They smell good, kinda more white chocolate than anything else. In fact, the only thing that worries me about these is that the front of the bag looks like we surprised an anthropomorphized orange giant m&m while he's taking a dump. Oh god, that's not what these are, are they??? Now I am a little worried.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
Definitely white chocolate. It reminds me of the omnipresent birthday cake flavor that's trending now (not that it's bad, I love birthday cake!) more than candy corn. I tried the three colors separately but there is no flavor differentiation which is fine because M&M's don't do that. Okay, that's all I got. They're good and you should pick some up if they're still around after Halloween.

Nick:
I'm not really sure what an m&m that actually tasted like candy corn would be like, and I don't think they even really tried; these are just white chocolate m&m's, and frankly that's fine with me. These are quite tasty, just don't get any expecting any real candy corn taste (and, perhaps, reflect on if that's even something you would really want). Tasty!

Product #2: Sweet Heat Skittles
Origin: The rainbow

First Looks

Nick:
I'm not sure about these; spicy Skittles sounds a little weird, and neither one of us are big spice fans. I guess there's not much call to be worried, these are Skittles, so I doubt they're trying to blast our asses off with concentrated ghost pepper or whatever. Don't let me down, "fiery watermelon!" (Actually, I'm not sure there are any of these in the bag, but it's hard to tell; there are five flavors, one of them is yellow and the rest seem to all be extremely subtle shades of orange.)

Katie:
Whaaaaa, like two of mine are mauve. The fiery, spicy color...mauve. Do you say that as 'mohve' or 'mawve'? It's one of those words I never hear said out loud. Anyway, these should be good. It's hard to fudge up Skittles. Here's a dumb story about Skittles because my entry isn't long enough--one time we were in the store and I saw that America Mix Skittles were back so I happily exclaimed as such. There turned out to be a lady behind us who was very amused that I was so excited for candy. At least she was amused rather than that other time we were in Hannaford and a lady violently smashed her cart into ours rather than moving a foot to her right to go around us.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
Well, they're.... spicy Skittles; just imagine a tropical-fruit flavored Skittle, and it's spicy, and you got these. They're not too spicy on their own, but a half dozen or so will start to build up the spice burn. They're not bad, but I think I'm just gonna stick to America Mix skittles from now on. Actually, I'm not sure I'm even going to finish the bag. I mentioned we're spice wimps, right?

Katie:
Hell naw. At first, the yellow ones I tried were good. I was thinking "where's the spice?" then blam, spice. And that's all I could taste. It didn't taste good at all. I threw the rest of my handful right in the garbage.  Bleck. It's good to experiment with new Skittles flavors and maybe spice fans will love these but they are not for me, friendos.

We've got the beet

Product: Beet Whole Grain chips
Origin: Mexico

First looks

Nick:
Beet chips. We're doing this, huh? Just sliced up some beets, fried 'em, and threw them in a bag? That's the deal here? These don't look, sound or smell appetizing at all. I'm betting they're going to be too hard and not taste like much. It doesn't help that the bag recommends adding warm goat cheese, an action I don't think has ever improved any situation in human history. I feel like the only thing exceptional about these beet chips is how fast they're going to get three-pointed into the garbage can.

Katie:
They look like big, stiff pepperonis. They have that same starchy salt smell that every other vegetable chip has. Why? Most vegetables have a nice smell--cucumber and melon is a very popular smell and don't even get me started on how awesome red peppers smell cooking in the wok--why do veggie chips of any kind have such a bland smell? I agree with Nick, these are going to be bad.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
Well, guess what? These are too hard, and they don't taste like much. Unfortunately, the taste they do have is kind of vague dirt. I guess in an extreme, life or death situation where you want to eat salsa without spooning it right into your mouth like Katie does with the apple salsa from Indian Ladder, you could use these chips, if you don't mind your salsa being on a too-hard chip and tasting like vague dirt. It's a no from me, dog.

Katie:
Nick took the words right out of my brain (except for the dirt part). These taste like slightly stale tortilla chips. If you want something colorful to use as a salsa delivery system, go for it. If you want a snack to eat plain, these will just make you mad. Not great. Are we just bad at liking "health" food or is it really mostly all bad? No, it's the children who are wrong.

Thing in the Marshall's box that looks like someone packaged up puke to sell

*barf*
Oh wait, someone already did
and it's in this box and for sale.

Product: Mister Free'd Gluten-Free Crackers--Cheddar and Pumpkin Seeds
Origin: The 9th Circle of Hell (but really the UK)

First looks

Nick:
Oh my god. What is this? Is this food? This is not food. This literally looks like someone puked into the box and sold it to us. Look at this!!! Look at it! You want me to eat this for your amusement, is that it? You're going to laugh at my suffering? You sicken me. Not as much as these gluten-free (Of course it's gluten free! Of course! What else would it be!) "cracker" that was probably thought up by Satan when he got tired of making ever more annoying internet ads. I took a tenative sniff and this smells like stale gross play-doh. Katie, do I really have to try this? Aren't we allowed to not eat stuff that's clearly English barf in a box?

Katie:
Yes, we do. We really do. This is what the Dark Lord pukes up after a long eon of chewing on the three betrayers--Judas, Brutus, and Cassius. This honestly looks and smells like what my cats puke up after they spend all day stupidly eating things out of the garbage. This looks like all the gross gunk Jon Taffer and Gordon Ramsay are always finding in bar and restaurant kitchens.
But I persisted through the salmon jerky, I can persist through this.
I hope.

Post-bite thoughts

Barf with bug carapaces and poop drizzles

Nick:
WELL. This is not quite as bad as I thought it would be, but considering I thought it would kill me and my funeral would be a bunch of angry people wailing "Why did he even try that dreadful biscuit!!!" that's not really saying much. The taste is actually not offensive; it mostly tastes like nothing, with a very vague kind of baked pumpkin flavor. What I did not expect is that the texture is the main offender. This has the texture that I would imagine you would get if you took a big handful of dirt and burned the shit out of it, except burned dirt would have an excuse for being disgusting. It's extremely hard in the way where it shatters into shards as your poor teeth attempt to destroy it. I know the stereotype is that British people have bad teeth, but they must have the world's strongest chompers to eat this stuff. Even if this tasted great - and it barely tastes acceptable - it wouldn't be worth the horrible texture, disgusting smell, or nauseating appearance of this tool of the devil. Shame on you, Mister Free'd. Shame on you.
PS I'm still kind of hungry.

Katie:
That was awful. It was so hard I found myself believing I was on an 18th century sailing vessel trying to get down some hard tack. The taste was burnt old wheat and dumpy salt. There was no cheddar or pumpkin flavor at all--maybe I'm supposed to imagine it--and there aren't even enough words to describe how little I wanted to eat it. I'm starting to think gluten free is code for when you want to punish yourself, like how people used to go around whipping themselves but you can't do that anymore so you buy some horrible crap like this that punishes you even worse but it punishes your eyes, nose, and mouth instead of your back where you'd whip yourself. Just wear a hair shirt instead of eating this. Thanks, Satan. What a great gift you've given us this day.

Russian cream crackers

Product: Milky Village Sweet Curd Biscuits
Origin: Russia

First looks

Katie:
I was expecting more sandwich crackers from the translated title. There is a lovely design on each cracker that says...I'm not sure. I lost my ability to decipher cursive (and plus it's in Russian). The biscuit smells buttery. My hopes are high for this one.

Nick:
Oh boy. I really hope that name is a marketing gimmick or a mistranslation, because I really don't think I want curd in my life. If these were like "Marketing Village Butter Biscuits" I'd be resting a little easier. As Katie said, though, they smell more like butter than anything, and I'm hoping these are just nice thick buttery biscuits. Also, even though I had a whole medium pizza for lunch and then Doritos and then a M&Ms ice cream bar I'm really hungry.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
I'm not going to fall into the trap of complaining about how much faster Nick's metabolism is than mine. I'll eat half a sandwich and be full all day...wait, he got me! Curse you, Bottomless Stomach Lad!
Anyway, I thought the biscuits were quite yummy. They're like animal crackers except way better and with an actual taste. They only lose points compared to animal crackers because you can't pretend to be a dinosaur chomping your way through the animal kingdom with the Milky Village biscuits. You can, however, destroy several homes that are on each cracker so you could pretend to be the Empire from the opening scenes of Rogue One when they attack Jyn's farm. (Editor's note: Too soon, bro. #resisttheempire)

Nick:
Well, nothing to worry about with these; they taste like butter, with I guess a very, very slight kind of cream undertone in there. I think Katie nailed it comparing these to animal crackers; they're like a really big, better tasting, less cheap-feeling animal cracker. I don't know if I'd go out of my way to order more, but I'd be happy to see them show up in a Munchpak again. I ate my half and I'm still hungry, though. Can we try another snack? Anything but that thing in the Marshall's box that looks like someone packaged up puke to sell.

Coffee (nick replace this with a funny title)

Product: Peet's Coffee--Major Dickason's Blend
Origin: California, US

First looks

Katie:
I admit it. I grabbed this because it said Major Dickason on it and I was amused. Hopefully, there are sister flavors like Colonel Butts, Lieutenant Bonerz, and Captain Boober. The coffee smells very nice. Neither of us drink our coffee black so there are two spoons of sugar, a splash of Lactaid Whole Milk, and a little splorsh of International Delight Coldstone Creamery Sweet Cream creamer. I need to stop typing now because I just got up and have used all my residual brain power up from yesterday and I need to recharge it with delicious coffee.

Nick:
This stuff is pretty pretentious. The "Tasting Notes" on the side say "Rich, complex, multi-layered; like a relationship with an old friend". I don't know about y'all, but when I get up in the morning and want coffee, I'm not thinking "Oh man, I sure hope this tastes like my relationship with an old friend." Then the back talks about how they roast coffee with "the precision of a craftsman... not a computer". Is this a problem people have? Harried buisnesswomen spiting out their morning coffee and angrily barking "Clearly a computer roasted this coffee without the five senses of a craftsman!"? They promise that inside this box is "something you've never tasted before - something uniquely rich and deep". This better be fucking amazing, is what I'm saying.

Post-sip thoughts

Katie:
It's good. It tastes like a good cup of coffee. I'm afraid I can't describe it in lurid fashion like I want to bone this cup of coffee as the box does but yeah, it's tasty. I've had better non-flavored blends before like the Veranda blend from Starbucks but this is good. I'd have more. Golden French Toast is still my favorite though. Also, my brain is not recharged because I almost fell back asleep when Nick was typing.

Nick:
Not bad! Unlike the box, I'm going to be humble and not going to make something up about how my coffee-making skill is a superhuman talent perfected over years of adding creamer and sugar and just give this stuff credit for being tasty. For being dark coffee, it's actually pretty sweet, which is nice; a lot of dark coffee has a marketing hyperbole thing going on where it can't just be dark coffee, it has to be DARK COFFEE where your taste buds venture into the depths of a pitch black dungeon and as you take a sip the torch goes out and then they're destroyed by immortal coffee wraiths from beyond our plane of existence or whatever, so it's nice to have a blend that both has a nice dark coffee taste and is somewhat sweet. Maybe they should mark this as Baby's First Dark Coffee and it would make a little more sense. Like Katie said, I've had better coffee, but this is a solid B.

Waffle tubes

Product: Wafeletten
Origin: Germany

First looks

Nick:
Aw yussssss. These look delicious. And they smell great! And you can hold one like a cigarette by the non-chocolate part and pretend to smoke it! There's no way this isn't going to be good. Wait, is this some kind of trick? Are these going to be sugar-free or no gluten or they're like a Chinese fingertrap where you put your two index fingers in each end and you can't get them out and then a cunning ninja steals your food (yes, I know ninjas are Japanese, but maybe it's a tricky ninja who visited China and got some Chinese finger traps and disguised them like a German waffle cookie to trick me with. Nobody would see that coming!!!) What am I saying, I'm gonna eat all these right now, just you watch.

Katie:
Uh, actually according the song, Sub-Zero was a Chinese Ninja Warrior in a Mask. Nick asked me what to try next so I said "something we'll like" and thus, wafeletten was chosen. I'm ready for you to wow me, Germany.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
Aw yusssssssssssss. Even better than I thought they would be. Half of the cookie is covered in chocolate and the rest isn't, so I was like "How do you eat this" and figured it you just stuff it in your mouth and then chew it. Super good. This is how dark chocolate is supposed to taste, and the waffle texture is delightful. Nice job, Germany. You did it. Send me more of these wafeletten. I don't have any jokes, but I'm sure Katie has that covered! Take it away!

Katie:
Jokes? Okay. Jokes.
Where does a fish keep her money?
In the river bank!
Why was the ghost said at the party?
He didn't have any body to dance with.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

Laughing time is over. Also, these were delicious.

Pizza Stuff 4: The Quest for Peace

Product: Biscoito Salgadinho Pizzaque
Origin: Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

First looks

Nick:
Another "pizza" item. I've yet to have one of these that actually taste like pizza, and despite these actually smelling pretty pizza-y, I'm guessing that once again this item will taste fine, but mostly like tomato sauce instead of pizza. Also, right now Greg is curled up under Katie's chin purring and looking like an evil vampire or some kind of creature of darkness instead of the harmless goof who's always crying for treats he really is. Good luck typing with him there, honey!

Katie:
Greg's butt is resting on my left hand as I'm attempting to type this. The crackers remind me of cheez-its in size and shape with a definite pizza smell. I can see little pieces of spice and flavoring on each cracker, which hopefully indicates a nice pizza taste. We shall see!

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
Dawg, these aren't even half pizza, dude. The most powerful taste is salt, then - to the shock of none, not even Dr. James Shockedboy, the always-shocked doctor, like he goes down to the morgue and pulls out one of those slabs they put dead people on and yells "Oh no, a dead body! Someone help!" and runs off yelling even though he should know better because he's been a doctor for twenty years -  the same kind of semi-tomatoy fake pizza taste on every one of these pizza flavored items. I mean, they're not bad, but I can't imagine when I would ever choose to eat more of these unless a enemy ninja poisoned me and the antidote found its way into a bag of these chips and even then I'd be eating these chips to find the antidote so I wouldn't die instead of because I enjoy these chips. The end.

Katie:
Again, not so much with the pizza taste. They aren't bad crackers by any means. They might make a good, mindless movie snack but the pizza flavor is just not there. It has some kind of taste that isn't 'bland cracker' but pizza? I don't think so. Is pizza different in Brazil? Are Americans just used to chips and the like being overwhelmingly flavored like the thing they're supposed to be and that's why we're always like "this doesn't taste like pizza"? Like I said before, they aren't bad and if you just want some crackers, there are certainly worse options but don't pick them up if you want to taste pizza crackers.

Apple Sticks

Product: Sensible Portions Apple Straws--Cinnamon
Origin: Lake Success, NY, US

First looks

Nick:
I like how the company that makes this is called Sensible Portions. I believe that name just beat out Disapproving Mom and You'll Spoil Your Dinner. These things look like the worms that grow on the bottom of the ocean near undersea lava vents (Katie: "Ew!") but they smell pretty good. I'm cautiously optimistic; if they can make friend bean stalks good, I don't think it's asking much to make apple and cinnamon work together. We're gonna find that second non-disgusting gluten free snack one of these years!!!!

Katie:
Now all I can think of is underwater gross sea creatures. Great job, Nick. Really helping me gear up for the delicious taste of apples now. I think the sea creatures are not actually gross if I'm thinking of the right ones but calling them worms just makes them sound gross. Know how some people can't stand the sound of the word 'moist'? Well I don't like the sound of the word worms because then it's all I can think about and now the worms are going to be in my mouth when I'm eating this. I believe the tickle monster also hates worms. HAHAHAHAHAHA
The apple straws look like a crunchy version of the white-yellow apple coloring with the smell being a pleasant cinnamon.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
I'm afraid the ticklers all died forever. You know who wants to meet the ticklers if they weren't all dead forever? That creepy old man voice you hate. If the ticklers ever showed up again which they can't because they're all dead he'd definitely show up to observe them.
As for this snack, it's pretty good! There's no apple taste, really - you could tell me this is fried styrofoam and I'd believe you - but it has a nice crunch, and the cinnamon taste is quite good. I'd definitely eat more of these, but I think we're going to donate them to a gluten free friend who deserves to - no, Katie just went "Nah. These are OURS" so uh, never mind.

Katie:
Okay first off, you can't do the old man voice. You are the one who committed the crime here. The defendant doesn't get to say "Well, I want the victim to go to jail too for running into my knife and getting it dirty". Don't commit husband crimes if you can't do the husband time (being tickled), my friend.
I found these to be delightful and plan on helping Nick to polish off the rest of the bag. Now if I could just remember where we bought these so we can get more!
Update: Market 32 in Latham. Good remembering skills, Nick.

Rice crackers

Product: Black Pepper Japanese Rice Crackers
Origin: Japan

First looks

Nick:
Hard to tell with these; they're pretty hard, but they might have a nice crunchy texture, and they smell like pepper, but I can't tell if it's going to taste good or too pepper-y. The smell is actually a little more like peppery egg salad or perhaps a big pepper fart, but I've learned by now that half the time the smell has nothing to do with the taste. I'm hopeful we have another non-disgusting gluten free food here, but I guess I won't be shocked if they're nasty either.

Katie:
I sniffed too hard at the cracker and the pepper tingled my nose. I suppose that's how I know it's really pepper.  I'm hoping these will be good but I have to be honest with you, reader friends, I don't actually pepper my food. If the recipe calls for it, of course, but if I'm at a restaurant...I don't add additional salt or pepper to anything. I figure the chef wanted me to enjoy it a certain way so why mess with a professional? Is that weird? Do you all pepper/salt your food as a rule or only to taste?
Anyway, fingers crossed on these.

Post-bite thoughts

Eagle eyed readers: the ring says
"I'm with you till the end of the line" and is
the Steve Rogers half of the set (I have the Bucky Barnes half)

Nick:
Close, but not quite there; the texture is very nice (very hard but also light and airy). The problem is the flavor; this just tastes like a pepper bomb went off inside my mouth, which is a real shame. Take the pepper off and put some other flavoring on and I think these could be great, but I couldn't handle more than two of these. Donation pile!

Katie:
I agree with Nick completely. Any other flavor and these would have been a hit (okay not shrimp or some other seafood thing). This will be ninja'd into the food cubicle at work (aka the donation pile).

Mango sandwich cracker...thing

Product: Sunflower Crackers Mango Cream Sandwich
Origin: Phillipines

First looks

Nick:
Mango Cream Sandwich? More like Man GOO cream sandwich! Ha ha ha ha ha ha (cough) ha ha (cough hack) ugh. Seriously, I'm not very excited about these; they smell strongly of fake mango candy flavor with a undercurrent of butter. Uh, I used up my big joke already, too. Katie, help.

Katie:
It looks like two saltines with some mango paste in the middle. This reminds me of a game we played at my friend's house when I was 11. We'd grab nearly everything out of the fridge, pile all the condiments and whatnot on a piece of bread, then dare each other to eat it. Only with this cracker sandwich, the only things the kids had were crackers and mango cream paste. I don't understand. Shouldn't mango be like...a sweet thing? Like it should be mango Twinkie knockoffs or something? That would actually be pretty good. Could even get the cute little vampire bites on the bottom like a real Twinkie.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
These.... taste great! The filling and the cracker are both nice, light and sweet; the filling is more citrus than mango to my mouth, but to my immense surprise it works really well with the cracker. Kind of like a sweet orangey crunchy cookie. Great job, the Philippines! Is it just Philippines, or the Philippines? I don't know, but they really did a good job with these. Katie, you gonna eat all of yours?

Katie:
Yum! Nick has it spot on. Who'd have thought crackers would go with mango? I guess the manufacturer did. I would very much look forward to getting these again in a future Munchpak. Pick these up if you ever see them!
Oh and in answer to Nick's question, I ate a piece then saved the last bit for him because he said he liked it so much.

This jerky is a loose cannon who doesn't play by the rules

Product: Lawless Jerky--Aloha Teriyaki
Origin: California, US

First looks

Katie:
I picked this up mainly because it's called Lawless Jerky and Lucy Lawless is awesome. She is talented both as an actor and singer and she's gorgeous. Go look at a picture of her right now and tell me she's not a beautiful woman. Xena and Gabrielle were very special to me, is what I'm saying. Anyway. Jerky. It smells good. The texture is more of the tougher kind of jerky like Damn Good rather than the softer kind like Krave. I'm really hoping it doesn't take too much to chew like Damn Good because while I like their teriyaki flavor, I don't like chewing meat for minutes at a time. Bleck.

Nick:
Like Katie, I'm really hoping this is going to be less chewy than Damn Good jerky; I'm afraid I've been spoiled by Krave jerky, which is expensive, but it's extremely soft and flavorful. I am not a jerky snob, I want to make that clear, just that anyone not spending $40 on a small container of Krave jerky is a fucking peasant who probably lives in a dirt hut spending their entire winter chewing a piece of very hard jerky. That's all. This smells good, so I think it's all going to come down to texture.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
Wow, Nick's last few lines there had me thinking back to Survivorman and Les Stroud hunkered down in some godforsaken snow cave, hoping his meager fire and sliver of food will keep him alive (spoilers: he does not die in any of the Survivorman episodes as of the time of this writing, Les Stroud ftw).
The jerky itself was bland and dry. I didn't detect any teriyaki taste but at least it didn't just taste like plain meat. I don't think I'd be having more of this but I can't bring myself to get too mad because I didn't have to chew it for an entire commercial break like some jerky. If you find yourself on the Oregon Trail and your choices are eating this, dysentery, or your wagon overturning while fording a goddamn one foot deep river...pick this?
PS Here lies andy; peperony and chease

Nick
(INTERIOR - POLICE STATION QUESTIONING ROOM. A package of LAWLESS JERKY sits on the table. NICK enters, kicking the door open in a rage).
NICK: Okay, punk. WHERE'S THE TERIYAKI FLAVOR?
(no response)
NICK: Oh, a wise guy? (NICK picks up the jerky and reads the front of the bag: "Aloha Teriyaki") Does Aloha mean "Goodbye"? Because there's no teriyaki flavor on this beef jerky! This is the least flavorful jerky I've ever had. You should be called "Vague Pepper Kind Of" flavor! Oh, they're gonna love you in the big house, pal! They're gonna chew you up and spit you out! Or, I guess, they might chew you up a bit because your texture isn't bad, then they're gonna wonder where all your flavor is!
(And scene.)

Dark Chocolate Detour

Detour away from this product. (rimshot)

Product: Road Crew Crunch--Dark Chocolate Detour
Origin: Texas, US

First looks

Nick:
Wow, I've never eaten a collision before! I'm a little worried about these; on the one hand I love chocolate covered pretzels, but these are (drum roll) gluten free, which means both the rice and the pretzels have no gluten. Maybe it won't be too bad; I mean, pour enough dark chocolate on anything and it should cover up any sin, even gluten free pretzels. Right? Ha ha! Nervous laugh!

Katie:
You can smell the dark chocolate emanating from the bag. Every bit of food is well and truly covered with dark chocolate.  I was a tad worried there would just be chocolate pieces mixed in with regular pretzels and whatnot. This might be more Nick's thing than mine, but I'm hoping at least one of us likes this. Watch, Nick will love it and then we'll never see it again (happens to the poor guy often enough!).

Post-bite thoughts

THIS LOOKS LIKE SHIT FROM MY ASS :(

Nick:
Ew. There's something wrong with this chocolate; I don't know if it's the GMO, or the gluten, or artificial flavor and color, or what's in normal chocolate that makes it taste, you know, good, but whatever that is, it's missing and this is nasty. Feels like they forgot to put any sugar in this bad boy. It doesn't say sugar free, but whatever they didn't add in, they managed to create some kind of gross sour frankenchocolate. This is too bitter (and that's coming from a guy who used to steal baking chocolate to eat). Total waste of a good idea for a snack. How do you mess up chocolate on a pretzel? Amazing. F-

Katie:
I don't get this. My piece was a few rice puffs--which look like breakfast cereal--and a pretzel in a mutant conglomeration of chocolate. It was too big to eat all at once so I managed to pry a puff off the chunk. So bitter. So dark. As Nick said, how do you screw up chocolate? Usually dark chocolate will have a redeeming few notes. Perhaps it'll have the faintest sweet taste to round out the dark bite or it's mixed in with something like mint or even chili.  Something. This was just...bitter coating on an unsweetened piece of breakfast cereal. Still waiting for something with all the gluten sucked out of it to be good. I mean the gluten free fad is pretty popular (actual people who need the diet notwithstanding) so there must be something that isn't horrible but this isn't it.

Little red sticks

Product: Churritos--spicy
Origin: Chicago

First looks

Nick:
What the hey are these things? I thought they were like spicy puffed rice, but they look like petrified bloodworms. Oh, says here they're "yellow corn masa", whatever that is. Katie and I are both big spice wimps, so I don't think we're going to like these very much.

Katie:
I took a big sniff and coughed from the spice coming off these things. Also, bloodworms? Grossss. I was thinking they looked like tiny twigs covered in red clay. Stop making this food gross before I even try it. You are being naughty! Bad boy! Bad!

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
Heck to the no. A single one of these is too much spice for me. This just tastes like a little undercurrent of corn and the rest is just pure heat. Even if I wasn't a spice wimp, there's nothing to this but hot sauce burn. Awful!

Katie:
Usually when something is too spicy for my delicate lady mouth, I can taste what else the food has to offer. Maybe there's a savory taste underneath or whatever. This doesn't have that. There's nothing but the spice and I don't even get visions of possible futures for my troubles. The texture is terrible, as if these were already stale when I bought them. Hard pass for me. I guess if you like spicy, sort of stale corn sticks...this might be your new jam.

Cheez waffies??????

Product: Wise Cheez Waffies
Origin: Pennsylvania

First looks

Nick:
What... what is this? Cheese WAFFLES? Cheese doesn't go on waffles. Cheese goes on, like, an egg sandwich. Maple syrup goes on waffles. MAYBE butter goes on waffles. But cheese??? This is against the laws of God and man. I opened up the bag and they're like little cracker sandwiches with nuclear filling. But why are the sandwich parts waffles??????? They should be, like, crackers. I feel like I'm going to get struck by lightening for eating these, if not because they are unnatural evidence of Man's hubris than because the back of the bag screams FOR CHEESE LOVERS ONLY and I'm more of a cheese tolerator.

Katie:
Nick is sitting on the couch staring at one of these and mumbling "Why are they waffles" and "I don't understand". I don't either. It's as if someone saw stroopwafels  and scoffed at the notion of caramel betwixt waffles, shouting "I can do better!" with an arrogant finger pointed to the heavens.  Cheese. Waffles. Maybe this isn't for me. Maybe this is for people who like chicken and waffles? I tried that once and while I liked the waffle and I liked the chicken, my mouth was confused by their powers combining to form a culinary Voltron.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
WHY ARE THEY WAFFLES THOUGH. I don't understand this at all. I feel like a caveman and I'm out for a walk at night and a UFO flies over and the alien driving it is laughing too hard at a alien TV show where aliens get hit in the reproductive organs and his snack bag falls out of the UFO somehow, maybe he has the bubble top open because it's a nice night and that's why I'm out for a walk and this completely alien food, totally at odds with any human experience, just falls from the heavens. WHY ARE THEY WAFFLES???? I want to know why they're waffles. The taste is like what I imagine Cheez Whiz is like, way too salty for me. But why are they WAFFLES. I'm going to get to the bottom of this. The knowledge of why they're waffles will be mine. I'll be an old bald man wearing a tattered wizard robe, wizened by years of searching for the forbidden knowledge to the arcane question I seek to answer with a huge white beard in a forbidden library overseen by cackling demons who trade in the knowledge that I can not live without and I'll be pouring over a big book chained to a massive table because the information inside is too dangerous to ever leave the library and finally I'll find what I've been looking for my entire life and I'll yell "Ah-ha!" when I discover why they're waffles and then I'll die because I won't have any reason to stay alive once I have the ultimate knowledge of why Wise made these weird crackers with nuclear cheese inside and the sandwich part is WAFFLES. In conclusion I give this food a not great.

Katie:
The waffle part isn't even good. There is nothing about the waffle part that is good--too crunchy, too salty, zero to do with real waffles except the shape. It might as well be cheese mermaids for all the semblance it has to waffles. The cheese in the middle is flipping odd. It's a little like Cheese Whiz, the fake cheese from lunch box sandwich crackers, and peanut butter are in a loving, committed triad (look it up) and decide to have a baby using renegade science that combines their dna into this baby that's made from all three of them only the science goes horribly wrong and the baby looks like the gross eraserhead baby from that David Lynch movie (I think it's called "Gross Baby and Weird Hair Guy") that I've never seen but people talk about it online a lot anyway...this cheese is like that.

How do you hand craft popcorn?

Product: Thatcher's Artisan Popcorn--Tuscany Tiramisu Bites
Origin: San Francisco, US

First looks

Katie:
The bag boasts a lot of promises--it's the ultimate treat, exceptional popcorn treat--but my favorite is the assurance that this popcorn is hand crafted. Was each kernel lovingly popped atop a tiny artisanal stove made from reclaimed driftwood and reclaimed fire (fire that occurs naturally from lightning strikes or dry brush, none of your dirty, man-made fires fueled on the dreams of tomorrow's child)?

I've had caramel popcorn before and liked it so as long as Thatcher's gets the basic concept of popcorn and popcorn flavoring down, this should be good.

Nick:
I'm a little torn on these. They smell good, and I think the taste is going to be great, but as much as I love popcorn (ask Katie!), I don't really like caramel or kettle corn; it's a texture thing, usually, the coating is too thick and the popcorn's an afterthought or an unpleasant little nugget in the center. I almost wish these were just like "Tiramisu Chunks" and they were just balls of the coating instead of having popcorn inside. Prove me wrong, Thatcher! This better really be "THE ULTIMATE SNACK" like the bag says! I want to love this snack so much I rip off my polo shirt and Mickey Mouse pajama pants and run outside screaming in an ululation of pure ecstasy at these Tuscany tiramisu bites. I don't think that's an unrealistic expectation.

Post-bite thoughts

LOOK AT HIS VEINS. This guy is so white.

Katie:
Since you asked, Nick likes popcorn so much we will literally go to the movie theater to get some even when we're not seeing a movie. "Oh, popcorn" he'll shout in joy, kissing up on the butter-coated kernels. If I try to take a handful he slaps my hand away and yells "This popcorn is my true soulmate! None would dare part me from this delicious corn!" Also, he keeps eating Smartfood even though he's lactose intolerant, and when I'm like "Maybe your stomach would hurt less if you didn't eat Smartfood" he says "Katie, you are very cool, powerful, and attractive but I'm going to keep eating this cheese product and complain about my stomach hurting, also I would like to go to Disney four times a year".  That last part might be wishful thinking :(
Joel McHale-esque ANYWAY: I would say these are more tiramisu-inspired than full on tasting like a tiramisu but I quite liked these. I plan on finishing the bag over the next few days. As I type, I can hear Nick making his "mmmf" noises which either means he's undecided or a great crime has been committed that he is not yet able to give voice to. Which will it be, dear readers? A food crime or a meh? Stay tuned to the same danger channel to find out!

Nick:
THIS IS NOT THE ULTIMATE SNACK. As I feared, the texture is not good; popcorn with a thick coating like this always has a unpleasant, slightly stale, chewy feeling. I guess this only bugs me since caramel corn is popular. SORRY my taste is so refined, everyone. So sorry.
As for the flavor, it's okay; like Katie pointed out in between making up stories about me kissing popcorn at the movies (???????), the taste has absolutely nothing in common with tiramisu. It kind of tastes like very sweet cream or milk with a super subtle coffee flavor you really have to look for. It's not bad, but it's not for me, and there's no way in hell this is THE ULTIMATE SNACK. I think the real ultimate snack would be a huge glowing rainbow in your house you could take bites out of it and also squeeze glowing rainbow juice if you wanted a drink and it would also clean up after you and also it would be a light source and also also you could put your garbage into it and it would use the old matter to create more of itself (like replicators on Star Trek!). Call me when that product's available. The ultimate snack my butt.

Chunky Peach Juice

Finally, a juice
I can chew!

Product: Peach Juice Drink with fruit pieces
Origin: Made in South Korea for California Garden

First looks

Katie:
When I poured this juice--our very first in our new Munchpak sub--I was initially excited. Our first juice! Then, I heard a plop. My juice should not plop. 'Twas then I noticed 'with fruit pieces' on the can. Oh boy. I can't even take bubble tea or orange juice with pulp. How am I supposed to handle chunky juice? The juice smells very fruity and is quite a nice color of orange.

Nick:
Oy, again with the peaches! Munchpak should have a no peaches option. I'm getting real sick of peach! Why does everyone love peaches? Is it because they look like a butt and when you plant one in Animal Crossing it looks like a butt tree grows? There's other flavors, Asia! Try cherry! Orange! Grape! Fake ass blue raspberry! Bubble gum! SOMETHING else! And don't get me started on having chunks of fruit in the juice; who wants to chew juice? If I want to eat a peach, I'd go buy a peach, which I'm not going to because they're gross!!!!!

Post-sip thoughts

There's no reason for Mickey
to look pleased with this crap.

Katie:
Okay. I did it. I drank the chunks. The actual juice is tasty, really does taste like peaches and I'm craving peach cobbler now. Still though. The chunks. I can eat peaches out of the can okay but--and Nick might give me some flak here because he doesn't like chunky soup and I may have found that amusing once or twice--I don't like chunks in my drinks. I'm in drinking liquid mode. Having the peach chunks flow into my mouth is off-putting. If you don't mind this sensation, by all means get this juice. If you're squeamish about chunks, um...get a strainer?

Nick:
You know how when you open a can of soda or juice there's like a indented ring around the outside of the top and when you take a drink sometimes a little bit of soda or juice gets trapped there? I just slurped up the little bit of ill-advised chunky peach juice caught there. "Ha ha," I laughed in bliss. "There's no way a chunk of peach would somehow be in the microscopic amount of juice! I will never regret THIS decision!"
There was a chunk of peach in that tiny little thimbleful of juice in the lip of the can. I really hate this stuff. Guys, nobody wants to CHEW JUICE. This is just a bad idea all around. I'm going to go dispose of this now. (grabs rope ladder hanging from a helicopter)

Fruity toffee

Oh, boy. I'm not even going to address this
weird mascot thing and just hope it leaves quietly.

Product: KiKi jagoda strawberry (strawberry toffee)
Origin: Croatia

First looks

Nick:
Strawberry, my old nemesis. Is this the best you can do? This disgusting little slab of salmon-looking, fake-strawberry-stinking sure to be disgusting candy? The bag claims this is toffee, but it looks like a Starburst, and it smells like a chemical fire in a strawberry asshole. I'm going to hate these, but at the end of the day I'm going to be still tasting candy and these are going to be burning in candy hell, so who's going to be the true victor here?

Katie:
Wow. Well, I don't have much to add here. So I won't.

Post-bite thoughts

Ribbed for Nick's displeasure

Nick:
In the end, this foe is beneath my contempt; these are just less chewy, less substantial, worse tasting Starburst, not even worth slam dunking into the garbage with a savage ululation of triumph. Does "toffee" on the bag mean "cheap starburst" in Croatian? I declare victory over this candy.

Katie:
They're fine. As Nick said, they're like Starbursts. The strawberry is more pronounced and creamy...as if the synthetic strawberry was dipped in some whipped cream before being smushed into candy form. I had some tropical Starburst earlier in the day so I think I might be making an unfair comparison. Are these the best? No. But they are not the worst.  They are on the low side of meh. Not bad for our first Croatian treat, though.