When life gives you lemons, make popcorn

Product: Glazed Popcorn--Refreshing Lemonade
Origin: USA

First looks

Katie:
I like lemonade, but lemonade popcorn? I'm not sure I've ever had those two things at the same time in my life. I can't even imagine what these are going to taste like. Even if they taste like delicious lemonade, isn't the texture of the popcorn going to clash?
I don't have a good feeling about this.

Nick:
(Open on Munchpak HQ)
"Hey, boss!" the Munchpak employee hollered. "We got a problem here!"
"What is it?"
"Fucko didn't like our mixed nuts we sent him!"
"Oh, yeah?" the boss swiveled in her chair. "What was wrong with them?"
"Not interesting enough!"
"Is that so!" She flipped the glass case over a huge, red button open. "Well, I got something real interesting for him!"
"Boss, are you sure -" But too late, as her hand SLAMS down on the red button. Klaxons scream and red lights flash over the control room as far below a vault door hisses open, steam cascading out of the forbidden crypt where the lemonade popcorn is kept. Both employees cackle, their faces looming hellishly large in the flashing emergency lighting, as the lemonade popcorn is wrestled by mind-wiped nulls in hazmat suits into a cardboard munchpak.
I don't think I have a good feeling about this either.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
I'm torn. I think the lemonade flavor is actually pretty good but I don't care for the popcorn underneath. As I foresaw, the two just don't go together. Maybe it's that I'm not into non-hot popcorn. I think the lemonade flavoring would work better on a puffed rice/corn ball or as a whacky rice cake flavor. But what does our popcorn aficionado think?

Nick:
Absolutely fucking disgusting. This doesn't taste like lemonade; it tastes like sour lemon glaze slapped on top of stale popcorn. I'm offended both as a popcorn fan and as a basic human being with rights this snack does not recognize. If they're trying to get me to beg for more mixed nuts instead of this, well, I'll admit, I almost broke, but I'm stronger than this snack, which is saying something since it's pretty stale honestly. Bleck. Shame on you, Kathy Kaye. I can't believe she calls herself a popcorn fan on the back of the bag. Who knows what this poor popcorn might have been before Kathy Kaye got her mitts on it and turned it into this disaster? F-.

And now, for the most exotic food of them all...

We're going to break with our traditional format and not reveal what amazing, exotic, hard-to-find product we were sent just yet. In keeping with the best television specials, please enjoy 55 minutes of padding and commercials while we promise and tease the big reveal.

Product: Mixed fucking nuts you can get anywhere?????

Pre-bite thoughts

Nick:
Uh... am I missing something? These are just nuts. Like, you can go to the grocery store and get a Planter's jar full of nuts. What are you doing, Munchpak? We didn't sign up to get random items you can get in any gas station. You know what, maybe the label is a misprint and there's something else in here, because if this is just NUTS, I'm not going to be pleased. Seriously - this better not just be mixed nuts you can get anywhere, because why you'd sign up for a subscription box that gives you mixed fucking nuts, the world's most widely available snack, I have no idea. What's in the next box, bottled water? Get your shit together, Munchpak! Y'all looking bush league out here with this naff snack!

Katie:
Coming soon to a bottle near you...water. Each morning, dozens of mustachioed men stand in our authentic vineyard to collect the dew on their mustaches. Each hair is then finely combed into reclaimed containers then shipped by dogs in bespoke outfits on artisanal bicycles pedaled by those flat-faced cats directly to Whole Foods, then on to you.
We don't contaminate our water with filtration systems or requiring the mustache men to take showers, because that's what Big Pharma would want us to do. Our water comes straight to you...from nature.*
*Water taken from municipal system.

Post-bite thoughts

YUP. Peanuts with salt on them you can get
literally anywhere. Only Munchpak could
bring us this exciting and exotic snack!!!111

Nick:
I don't know, guys. Is it time to shut this blog down? I mean, we must have tried every interesting snack in the world if we're getting mixed fucking nuts in a munchpak now, right? I mean, what's left to try? Unpopped popcorn? The alternative is that Munchpak's lost the plot. Mixed fuckin' nuts. Get your act together, guys. Embarrassing.

Katie:
More like...mixed butts.

Belgian Butters

Product: Almond things with ginger orange
Origin: Belgium

First looks

Katie:
All right, it's Belgium at the plate! Belgium has had a good OBP with us so here's hoping they hit it out of the park again this time (because baseball references don't sound weird in January, right?). You can see the little orange and ginger slices in the cracker, which could be good or bad. I'm not sure I smell much but--and this is breaking kayfabe--I tried something really spicy before this so my nose is yelling "NOPE" at the mo. I'm very optimistic about these even though ginger hardly has a good track record with us.

Nick:
If you literally stick your nose in the bag there's a vague smell of butter cookie. I'm a little worried about these; it seems kind of lazy just schwaking almond parts, orange peel and ginger slices into your cookies. Mash that stuff up, Belgium! I don't have high hopes for these. Prove me wrong.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
Delicious! They are heavily on the crunchy side but it's fine. Neither the ginger or orange taste dominates the cracker and it doesn't taste too nutty either. It's a good balance of sweet, nutty, ginger, and orange. If anything, there could be a skosh more orange in there but maybe that would throw off the balance. I'm mentally trying to guess if Nick liked them because he hasn't said anything. What do you think, class? Will Nick like it these?

Nick:
Ahhhh... it's all right. Sure enough it's a orange and ginger flavored butter cookie. I could do without the ginger, which doesn't really add anything; the taste is fine, I'm just not real big butter cookie fan. I guess the only real complaint I have is the texture, which as Katie noted is very hard. The little almond chunks inside are even tougher than the cookie, and running across one is a bit of an unwelcome surprise. Get out of here, almonds. You're not wanted here! Otherwise, they're just all right. Ol' doesn't really like butter cookies boy, they call me.

PS from Katie: Nobody calls you that.

Animal Crackers (not) in my soup

Product: Biscuits-Milk Flavor
Origin: Taiwan

First looks

Nick:
Aw, these are so cute! I got a cat with the I symbol of the Holy Inquisition from WH40K on its forehead, a goat of some kind, a worried pig, and a yelling cat with human teeth that's actually kind of creepy, so that one's going to get eaten first. Taste-wise, who knows; they smell quite buttery, so we'll see. I'm not getting a milk scent at all, maybe you're supposed to dip it in milk? I'm too lazy for that.

Katie:
These are adorable!  I think they're even cuter than those koala cookies from way back. I almost feel bad eating these and hope they're going to taste better than the animal crackers here. I mean our animal crackers aren't barren wastelands devoid of taste and excitement but they're certainly...foodlike.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
Very tasty! For once the smell matches the taste; light and buttery crackers with just a little bit of salt. Way better than American animal crackers. I'll happily eat the whole bag.

Katie:
I agree, way better than the American animal crackers.  Excellent job, Taiwan. I hope we get these again in a future box.

Return to Traverse City

Product: Great Lakes Potato Chip Co.--Parmesan Ranch
Origin: Traverse City, Michigan

First looks

Nick:
Parmesan... ranch? I'm not quite sure I understand the flavor pairing here. Katie likes both flavors, so maybe she'll know if these go together. Honestly, I'm not too excited about these; they smell like vague salt, and that's literally putting my nose directly on a chip to try and figure out what they're going to taste like. The best I'm hoping for is that these are less disgusting than the buffalo chips we had from this company, and those were one of the most disgusting things I've tried, so a pretty low bar for these to clear, I think.

Katie:
As I said in the Mark Buffalo review, the chips would have been better if they were a different flavor and now it's time to test that hypothesis. Who knows, maybe I'll have an elegant potato chip string theory to present in post-bite thoughts. *cue the Provost speech about string theory from the Alpha Centauri game*.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
A brave little theory - and actually quite coherent for a system of five or seven dimensions. If only we lived in one! (pause for applause)
Anyway, these chips are okay; I definitely don't taste ranch at all. The main flavor is salt, and then some kind of sharp taste that I guess is supposed to be the Parmesan, but honestly, you could tell me these are salt and vinegar chips and I'd believe that over Parmesan ranch. That being said, they're not bad; I don't think I'd go out and get more, but I'll finish the bag at least. Way better than the buffalo chips.

Katie:
I was right, these are good. Reminds me of sour cream and onion. As Nick said, I'm not sure I pick up the parm or ranch really but the taste is good nonetheless. I also appreciate that these are kettle chips, which--for me--last better in the bag than regular potato chips. Inevitably, I always find these weird, nearly translucent mushy ones in the bottom of the bag when it's regular chips. Kettle chips are nice and crunchy without going strange in the bag. Definitely grab this flavor over the buffalo one if you see these out and about.

Fudge

Product: Mieszko Fudge Classic
Origin: Poland

First looks

Katie:
The candy is about the size of a tootsie roll, but longer and thicker. It feels firm with a little give to it. I hope this isn't going to be as mouth-destructive as the English toffee was!  I'm looking forward to trying this even though I can't remember eating fudge ever in my life. What is fudge anyway?

Nick:
This doesn't look anything like fudge; it seems more like milk toffee, down to the picture of the cow on the wrapping. I just hope it's not too chewy. I would assume it's going to taste good, so I guess I'm only worried about the texture. Don't let me down, Polish cartoon cow!

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
Delicious! The texture is nice and soft, no grit or chewiness either. It's sweet without being over the top. If all fudge is like this, I think found a new thing to enjoy. I especially like the individually wrapped pieces so I don't feel like I have to eat all of it before it goes bad. Excellent job on the fudge, Poland.

Nick:
If this is fudge, I've really been missing out on fudge my whole life. This stuff is absolutely delicious; it doesn't taste like fudge to me, more like a really nice light milky caramel, and like Katie said it's very nice and sweet without being over the top or too rich. The bag yells "SOFT" and it is indeed nice and soft with a slightly crumbly interior. I went back for seconds. I'd definitely get more of this. Nice job, Poland!

Jelly Tots

Product: Jelly Tots
Origin: England

First looks

Nick:
So, not jelly BABIES, no, these are Jelly Tots, you see. Actually, on the bag they look more like some kind of weird fungus. Jelly fungus. I'm thinking these are going to be standard, sugar-coated, "fruit" flavored gummies, but there's something just a little weird about these; maybe it's the half a ton of sugar that came pouring out of the bag when I opened it, or the way the bag baldly states "The rhyme never said Humpty Dumpty was an egg", which, I guess, they're not wrong? Huh.

Katie:
I think Nick had Jelly Babies before so I'm curious to see how they'll measure up. Just wondering though, shouldn't Jelly Babies be the small ones and Jelly Tots be the ones that look like kids? Cause babies are, you know, infants...and these look like fungal seed pods so...you know what, I'm going to stop me there.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
Eeeeeeeeenhhhhhhhhhh. Kinda like Skittles, but not as good. About the only nice thing I can say is that the green is lime instead of disgusting green apple; otherwise, they're like slightly chewy Skittles. I don't really care for the purple flavor; if it's grape it's no kind of grape, real or fake, I've ever tasted. Probably something goofy like PASSIONBERRY. It's not too good. I think I might just eat the yellow and green ones and toss the rest in the trash. I mean, the bin. (that's how British people say the trash)

Katie:
They sound pretty naff to me, something only a numpty would like.

Snow White and The Seven Dinosaurs

So the dinosaur is mining this candy?
Is this candy 65 million years old? What's the deal here?

Product: Stone Age candy by Lotte
Origin: Korea

First looks

Katie:
The candy looks like little pebbles, hence the name. It's a cute idea. I haven't seen candy shaped like this before, but I'm sadly not well-versed in candy outside of M&Ms, Skittles, Starburst, and other similar sweets. My guess is that they're sort of like the Easter eggs with the hard candy outside and a chocolate inside.

Nick:
Hey, wait a minute - I think these are just the chocolate rocks from TCBY! I've never had these not on watermelon sherbert or cookies and cream yogurt, but I'm expecting a basic chocolate competency.

Post-bite thoughts

Hand-picked by dinosaurs

Katie:
I think these weren't bad at all. I think I mention how I'm not into chocolate that much like, every flipping review, but I want to be fair! If I already come into a food not loving an ingredient, I should be transparent.
Back to my review. It was a good little pebble of candy-coated chocolate. Pick these up if you see them and you like that sort of thing. Also, there's a dinosaur on it. Dinosaurs are awesome. The only time I ever got a science fair award was in kindergarten for my poster of dinosaur figures on which I wrote the name of each dinosaur so I know what I'm talking about.

Nick:
Quite good! These are very light, flaky, crumbly, milky chocolate with the candy shell. The bag isn't too big, and I feel like this is perfect for slaking a chocolate craving without going overboard. Kinda reminds me of Easter candy with nice high quality chocolate. Nice job, Korea! Nice job, dinosaur whose butt I hope these didn't come out of! No, they're rocks, right? Chocolate rocks? I don't know, I'm not sold on the concept, but the taste is great.

Battle of the German Hazelnut wafers

Product: Knoppers Milk Hazelnut Wafer
Origin: Germany

First looks

Katie:
Brenda got these for us and I'm curious to see how they stack up against the other German hazelnut wafers we tried. The wafer is layered, looking like a s'more to me. The hazelnut scent is pretty strong but I hope it's not as rich as Nutella because that is hard for me to eat more than a morsel of. I know people love it and I'm not saying it's bad, it's just intense.
Feeling optimistic about this.

Nick:
Wow, Katie's not kidding about the intense hazelnut scent. I guess I'm not sure what else I was expecting. The other wafers were more like a sandwich and this seems more like a big, very expensive wafer cookie. I'm sure it will be delicious either way.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
Not bad! I think there's one more layer of hazelnut than I'd prefer but I could see a hazelnut fan really loving this. The milk helps tone down the hazelnut flavoring and balance it out. I think the other hazelnut wafers were better but these are good too. Thanks, Brenda!

Nick:
These are great! I guess I have a higher hazelnut tolerance than Katie because I really enjoyed this. I agree that the milk makes this a little less hazelnut-intense than the other product, but if you don't like hazelnut you'll want to stay far away from these as it's pretty powerful. I would definitely get more of these. Thanks Brenda! If anyone else wants to get their name in our blog, bring us delicious German hazelnut chocolate products!

PS from Katie: Or, you know, delicious homemade spaghetti sauce

Mark Buffalo chips

Product: Great Lakes Potato Chips--Buffalo Wing flavor
Origin: Traverse City, Michigan

First looks

Nick:
I don't like the taste of buffalo wings, so I'm a little nervous, but then again half this stuff never tastes anything like what it's supposed to anyway, so, might be good? It smells like vague spice, so I'm not too optimistic. Our state touches the Great Lakes, so hopefully I'll be pleased and have something nice to say.

Katie:
At first glance, they look like standard potato chips with a very light dusting of reddish flavoring. The scent is of potato-y salt, which leads me to presuppose these will not be terribly tasty. Perhaps Traverse City and its proud potato processing will surprise me and I'll happily embrace these chips in post-bites. See you on the other side, reader.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
OHHHHHHHHHH MY GOD these are terrible. Katie got the top-most four chips in the bag without too much flavoring, but I got one thickly encrusted with nasty, vaguely tomato, burning ass sweat. Awful. I don't have a single good thing to say about this except maybe I managed to quickly swallow it without having to spit it in the garbage while crying. Very, very bad.

Katie:
Oh gosh, I'll find one good thing to say about it--I liked the crunch.  If this had been any other flavor--bbq or ranch--I would have probably liked these. As it is, I've learned that I really, really do not like buffalo. I do, however, enjoy Mark Ruffalo. Maybe if they were Mark Ruffalo's chips and tasted as good as his dreamy eyes look?

MOROCHAS MOUTH MADNESS #MOROCHAS #PERU #COOKIES #EATCOOKIES #EATPERUVIANMOROCHASCOOKIESWITHOURMOUTHSNARMNARMNARMTHAT'SAEATINGSOUNDEFFECTS

Product: Morochas
Origin: Peru

First looks

Katie:
A triple decker cookie! Perhaps I move in the wrong circles, but I've never seen such a thing before. Am I brave enough to tackle Morochas???

Nick:
What flavor are these supposted to be again? The picture on the package looks like hazelnut (or, um... you know what, never mind), but the text says "galletas sabor a vainilla banadas con pasta sabor chocolate". So.... vanilla banana pasta sabotaged by chocolate? I'm so confused. It smells like old vanilla, so I don't really know what to expect. #prayforthehams

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
Really mixed. On the one hand, the chocolate was quite pleasant. On the other hand the cookie part was sort of like a Ritz cracker except not as buttery. The only real flavor I got was chocolate but Nick has the more advanced palate so he'll probably discern like 80 different flavors--at least one of which is either going to be "fruity" or "bitter". I bet you five bucks.

Nick:
Fruity! Delicious! Delicious! Fruity!
Seriously though, all I got here is chocolate; where's the vainilla? Where's the banandas?! They're not bad, although I think Katie nailed it with the cookie being more like a hard little cracker without the butter taste. I'd eat 'em in a munchpak, but I don't know that I'd go too far out of my way for these; once again I would just get Double Stuf oreos, eat the filling and throw the outsides away when Katie isn't looking.

Tiny Polish Cannon Balls

Product: Korsarz Kokosowe
Origin: Poland

First looks

Nick:
At first I was excited to try these until I realized they're COCONUT, at which point I returned to my ship and ordered the cyclonic torpedoes fired to breach the planet's mantle, releasing a catastrophic wave of magma to wipe out this candy for all time. No thanks.

Katie:
I don't know. Does Nick hate coconut? I wish he would just say what he means.
They might be fine. I'm not super into coconut, really only eating it when I yoink the coconut piece out of the Whitman's sampler box because it's like the only non-goo one. I do like the jolly pirate on the front, though.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
DON'T TRUST THAT PIRATE, KATIE. Were these bad? They were real bad. Do I like coconut? That will have to remain a mystery for all time. Let's just say I didn't like these. (Taps side of head, pantomimes swallowing a key and zipping my lips shut and swallowing the key and rubbing my stomach like "this key tastes better than Korsarz Kokosowe")

Katie:
They were okay. The coconut was fine and the chocolate was fine but since I'm not mega into either...my reaction was more muted. Maybe if I really enjoyed the taste of coconut or I was really into chocolate? Anyway, not bad if you want to try some.
Awkward pirate segue into a musical number.

Blueberry Soda

Product: capt'n Eli's Blueberry Pop
Origin: Maine

First looks

Nick:
Hannaford had a bunch of weird Capt'n Eli soda, but I grabbed this one because it looked the most unusual. It smells like, uh, blueberry, but I'm a little worried; I'm not sure I trust Capt'n Eli. The bottle shows a grizzled old fisherman in the ocean, and I'm not sure that I trust soda bottled by a grizzled old fisherman. Did he retire and start making soda? Maybe the picture on the bottle should be him making soda, but like he has a thought bubble, like, "I used to be a sea capt'n, but now I retired and am making soda" or something. Maybe that's a little complicated.

Katie:
Oh, I thought it was a kid. But then who lets their son take to the sea in a row boat? He's within sight of land, but still...one good swell and no more Capt'n Eli. Or is Eli the bird? Is Eli a dumb name for a bird? I have a cat named Greg so I guess I can't judge.
The soda is a reddish-purple color, smelling pleasantly of berries. I hardly ever eat blueberries straight but I like them in muffins and those smoothie juices with names like "Blue Machine".  Hopefully, this soda that's either bottled by old grizzled fisherman Eli or in memory of Eli, child captain lost at sea, tastes good.

Post-sip thoughts

Nick:
The taste is good, but this doesn't feel like soda at all; there's no carbonation. I mean, I didn't get my PhD in soda yet, but soda supposed to be carbonated, right? This is totally flat; we did open it then take the pictures, but I don't think it's supposed to go flat in like a minute and a half. The taste is nice enough - blueberries with a hint of grape - but this is more like juice than soda for me. I'm not sure I'd get it again, but I think it's tasty enough to escape the donation pile. Maybe we just got a bad bottle and the rest will be carbonated? Weird.

Katie:
I seem to have stolen all the bubbles. The inside of my glass was frothy with bubs. I liked the soda, it's the first fruity soda I can recall that didn't make me recoil in bleckness. As Nick said, I don't think I'd get this again really but if someone offered me a bottle I'd enjoy it. Check it out for a nice change of pace from colas or ginger beers (also, please explain what the difference is between ginger ale and ginger beer).

Coconut puffs

Product: Coconut Crunch
Origin: Oregon

First looks

Nick:
Ohhh, no. Heck no. I'm not eating this. Guess what flavor I despise even more than peaches? Coconut. Real coconut, fake coconut, coconut juice, whatever you got, keep that load of old wank away from me. I think this is only the second item I'm refusing to try. Katie, this is all you. I don't envy you trying this crap. At least it can't be as bad as that salmon jerky, right?

Katie:
Poor Nick. He'll never be able to survive when we wind up on Gilligan's Island now. The puffs are curled up or in odd chunky shapes. They smell sweet and definitely like coconut. I'm not majorly into coconut but it's in the one Whitman's Sampler sample I like so I'm not enemies with it at least. I'm hoping these will be delicious like the caramel Pirate's Booty they used to sell (they might still sell it but not anywhere around here that I've seen).

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
You know, I always wondered if Whitman makes boxes that are just like one kind of candy from the sampler. There's some chocolates in there I really love and I'd happily have a whole box of (Maple cream, fam!!!!) but they only actually make the sampler, right? Anybody from Whitman's reading this? Hook up your boy ol' little maple kid!
As for this crap, coconut, more like cocobutt, am I right? Anybody? Also, these look like dead shrimp. F-

Katie:
Oh my god, ew. I hate shrimp. I was thinking that too but I didn't want to psych myself out of eating them. They're acceptable but I don't really want more. The coconut flavor is nice and sweet but it's just not for me. The texture is a little too soft to really be satisfying but not so soft that it would be entirely off-putting. Pick these up if you like coconut?

Patate Douce avec Sel de mer

Product: Covered Bridge--Sweet Potato with sea salt
Origin: New Brunswick, Canada

First looks

Katie:
Sea salt is the new food buzzword, I see. It's all over the place now. Does salt from the sea have a discernible difference than salt from...the other places salt is from? I mean, there must be something special about it as products are name-checking the sea as the spot they sourced their salt from.
The chips look suitable sweet potato-y but mostly smell of salt, which is to be expected since sweet potatoes don't really have a smell. Fingers crossed!

Nick:
Okay guys, don't laugh, but I didn't know that New Brunswick was a whole state (excuse me, province) up in Canada. We have a New Brunswick NJ down here that's just a city, and I didn't realize in Canada it's a whole thing. That might be the most interesting thing about these (and I realize that's not saying much); I don't really love sweet potato chips, and these look like pretty typical sweet potato chips. You know what I like? Thin cut sweet potato french fries. Johnny Rocket's has the best ones. I'll be surprised if these are half as good as those.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
I thought they were medium good. The chips really taste like sweet potato but I think the sea salt kind of ruins it. Sweet potatoes, to me at least, have a great natural flavor. The salt is overpowering it. I had a chip without the salt and enjoyed it far better than the salted chips. Let's see what Nick thinks, though. He eats way more chips than me.

Nick:
Either a lifetime of salty snacks has desensitized my mouth, or I just got a few handfuls of chips without salt, because I'd have believed you if you told me these were no-salt chips. They're not bad; they basically just taste like sweet potato, although some of them have an undercurrent of, dare I say it, being a little burned. Not really for me; if you want sweet potato chips I'd recommend these, but I think I'm going to stick with that Utz butter popcorn that always destroys my stomach. (satan laughing emoji)

Epilogue:
Nick never enjoyed Utz Butter Popcorn again due to wife veto.