Bean sticks

Product: Cheddar Bean Stalks
Origin: Connecticut, USA

First looks

Katie:
Another goodie from our Marshalls trip (thanks, Mom!). Also, another gluten-free food. The stalk itself looks like a long piece of ziti with a faint cheesy aroma. Could be fun if you want to play 'pirates who have very tiny, edible telescopes'. I'm cautiously optimistic because the bag is only proclaiming it's gluten free (because we all know how much wheat and wheat by-products there are in vegetables) instead of 'everything' free like the PB&J balls I linked up there.

Nick:
My first reaction to these was intense bogglement. "Cheddar BEAN stalks," I repeated, staring at the bag. What are these even? Did they take bean stalks, fry them up, and add cheddar? On reflection I actually think these might be good; I'm not sure I'm a huge bean stalk fan ("Katie! Russle me up some bean stalks!" I never yell), but I don't see why fried up they shouldn't be perfectly good cheddar delivery devices, and cheddar is my favorite cheese, so I am also cautiously optimistic.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:

The initial crunch is not as satisfying as a regular chip and my first thought was "these are stale". Then I remembered they're made out of beans, pushing that thought out of my head and going for another bite. I think these are actually pretty good. I promised a friend at work that if I ever found a good gluten-free food, I'd give her the item so these are going to her. A win for gluten-free nonsense for once.
Don't worry, Nick's review is bound to be more amusing than mine.

Nick:
Oh, thanks. I don't have any jokes ready; if these were terrible I'm sure I could come up with something good, but I actually like these quite a bit. They have a nice mild crunch (as Katie said they aren't as crunchy as a potato chip) and the cheddar is quite nice. It's almost like when trying to make gluten free snacks, it makes more sense to take two ingredients without gluten and combine them in a delicious way instead of defying the laws of God and man by trying to make, say, a gluten-free waffle or peanut butter and alien extrusion balls. Gosh! Who'd have known!
PS: Don't worry, Katie's next review is going to be totes amazeballs. No pressure Katie!!! Ha ha!!!!!!!

Chocolate cake

Product: Chocolate Mini Cake
Origin: Russia

First looks

Nick:
I think this is going to be pretty good; I like cake, and I like chocolate. I guess I'm a little worried about the filling as I'm not a huge filling fan (I like it better when it's all cake), but this seems simple enough. I believe in you, Russia! Don't fuck this up!

Katie:
I'm really looking forward to this. I've never eaten anything from Russia before. We've gotten a lot of Japanese and American snacks so it's nice to see something from places like Turkey and Russia show up in the rotation. I'm thinking it'll be a soft cakey texture with a decent filling.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
It's okay. It mostly tastes like cheap, sweet cake; unlike the picture on the front, there's just a teeny little pocket of chocolate filling, and I'm not sure I even tasted it. Maybe if it was marketed as "just sweet cake" it would have been more in line with my expectations, but as it is I guess I wanted a little bit more flavor.

Katie:
I think I got all the frosting in my half. The consistency and taste of the frosting were perfect. I was worried that it would be too thick or something but it was nice and creamy, no overwhelming sugar taste in the frosting either. The cake was a little drier than you'd find in an American equivalent cupcake but I don't know if that's because the type of cake Americans are more used to or the fact that the cupcake needs to last in the packaging. I liked this and would pick one up now and then from the store as a little treat if it was sold here. Thanks, Russia!

PB&J gluten free nonsense

I've got a bad feeling about this.

Product: Gluten Free Bites: PB&J
Origin: Proudly made in Michigan (according to the bag. I'd think Michigan is more proud of Robocop and the car industry but I guess these balls are full of Michigan pride too)

First looks

Katie:
Oh boy, the Non-GMO project. I did a report on them for one of my college courses. Want to know who is on their board? Crunchy natural food store owners and other people with a vested monetary interest in pushing people to shop at their stores. Know who is not on the board? Anyone with a scientific or medical background. If you really want to avoid food that has been tampered with in any way, just drink water because literally every food you are ever going to eat is not in its "natural" form. Humans have been futzing with our food since we figured out which hole it goes into.  Anyway, and I'm sorry to the people who can't eat gluten and thus also delicious spaghetti, this is going to be gross. It's going to be dry with a weird texture and taste like a butt made out of paper towels.

PS Thanks to Brenda for the tip that there were some good snacks to find at the Burlington Coat Factory.

Nick:
Yeah, thanks, Brenda. I'm so happy we got that tip right now. I'm the one who grabbed these off the shelf at Burlington Coat Factory, and I'm really regretting it right now. I don't even like good peanut butter and jelly sandwiches; what chance do these monstrosities have? I think this is the first item I've really been scared to try. I knew I wasn't going to like some of the peach or strawberry items, but they didn't fill me with dread the way this does. It doesn't help that they're supposed to be peanut shaped, but when I took one out to take a picture Katie yelled "It's a balls!!!!" (as in testicles). Also, they somehow smell like wilted lettuce??? I'm really scared right now, you guys. If this is our last blog update, we died or were turned into monsters eating gluten-free bites. (On the very small upside, the bag proudly yells there's no dairy. How I've been waiting for a dairy free peanut butter and jelly testicle!)

Post-bite thoughts

See how it glistens so!

Katie:
All I can taste is nuts. Nuts just all up in my mouth. It's dry and I feel like they were going for the sweet PB&J taste but it's just bad. Just...bleck.
I feel like these might have actually been really good if the recipe had just been improved somehow and didn't have such a...grossness to them. It's not as bad as some other gluten free stuff (looking at you, cardboard-tasting mush monstrosity of a gluten-free muffin) I've at from other stores but it's not very good. Not being a chef, I couldn't tell you how these could be improved as far as technique or ingredients--how bout adding some taste next time though, bro--but...these could have been good. Why do gluten allergy people have to suffer with such bad food? Isn't the fact they can't enjoy Italian anymore enough? I mean, jeez. That's like puppy kicker level punishment right there.

Nick:

PLEASE INGEST THIS DELICIOUS EXTRUSION
FELLOW EARTH HUMAN

God in Heaven. These are so, so bad. Like, I thought they were going to be horrible, then I pried one apart to see the weird "jelly" inside, and I thought they were going to be super horrible, then I took a bite.... it's not good, dude. Words kind of fail me. The texture is disgusting and chewy and icky and sticks to your teeth. The peanut outer part isn't too bad because it doesn't taste like anything, but the inside... I feel like this product was made by aliens trying to trick people into eating some kind of substance they extrude and then a week later you wake up and you're an alien and you have to go down to the ol' extruding pit to make more of these and the only reason humanity hasn't succumbed yet is because these are revolting and only wise-ass snack review bloggers are buying them. I'm going to go eat a bunch of sour watermelon slices to try and get the taste out of my mouth. I did not like these.

Mentos Pop ins

Product: Mentos Pop ins
Origin: Not sure. It's manufactured by our old pals, Perfetti Van Melle but there is no indication of where this is sold. We also don't know what language is on the front...normally there's a sticker that says 'Product of...'

First looks

Katie:
Really big skittles? I've never even had regular Mentos so I don't know what to expect here.

Nick:
What country are these from again? I'm going to say the writing looks like Hebrew. I'm sure someone out there knows. Anyway, I think I'm going to mostly like these - the back lists the flavors as apple, blueberry, orange and lime, and three out of four isn't bad (I'm sure the apple is going to be nasty. I've never had good apple candy and I'm sure I never will). I guess I just trust the huge screaming set of lips on the front to deliver a quality candy.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
I thought these would have a crunchy or hard candy shell on the outside but they're firmly squishy.  Apple isn't bad, same taste as the apple skittles. Blueberry is generic 'fake blue candy' flavor. While orange and lime taste as expected. These aren't bad at all except the texture is a little odd to me. As I typed the previous sentence, the super citrus sour taste of the last two flavors is burning the inside of my mouth. I could see this being something other people would happily enjoy but I didn't want more than the 4 I had.

Nick:
Oh, man, these are great. Katie really summed it up by saying they're like big soft Skittles without the hard shell. The green apple tastes just like a green Skittle, which is to say disgusting; the orange is all right, but the real standout are the blueberry and lemon. Now I'm a huge fan of fake blue candy flavor, so take my recommendation with a grain of salt, but the blue and yellow are both delicious; the yellow has a great slightly sour sweet lemonady taste. I would definitely get these again, although I'd throw out the green apple ones when Katie isn't looking.

What did I do???

y u do dis

Product: Dear North, Alaska Salmon Bites: Spicy Fireweed Honey
Origin: Alaska, USA

First looks

Katie:
Oh. my. dog.  What did I do. I don't even like seafood at all (I can't put you in my mouth, majestic sea friends! Or, in shrimp's case, underwater bug monsters! Shrimp are actually kind of neat but them and lobsters are just too...icky to eat. I mean, they have wavy antenna! And bug eyes! Anyway, moving on).
My mom said Marshalls had some good snacks so Nick and I went on an adventure there with her. I was sort of half-jokingly dared to try this, knowing I can't stand seafood and I stupidly went "yeah!". Now that the fated hour has arrived, I'm regretting my previous enthusiasm. I hope you are all appreciative of the gigantic sacrifice I'm making for you right now. Because oh my Buddha does this smell so bad to me and the bag isn't even open right now. I hope in another life, I come back as someone who lives on the moon and never has to eat fish again.

Nick:
I'm abstaining from these. Katie is very brave, and I'm so proud of her trying these that I don't even want to point out that you don't need to live on the moon to never eat fish again. These look like if you made beef jerky but instead you made fish, uh, jerky, although I have no idea why you'd want to do that.

Post-bite thoughts

Pictured: nothing like what's on the bag.
Alternate caption: This looks like a poops.

Katie:
I can confirm to all of you that I continue to absolutely not like seafood of any kind whatsoever, full stop. That was so gross.  The actual flavoring stuff on it was good but it could not cover up the fish smell, the weird way fish feels in my mouth, and the fact I want to barf right now. If you like salmon, maybe you'll like this but keep your goddamn hands off me, you damn dirty fisheater.

Nick:
Katie took the smallest possible bite of this and made a "huuUUg" sound like she couldn't believe what life had done to her, then wailed "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" and shoved the bag at me so I could slam dunk it into the garbage with maximum force. I don't think she liked these very much. I would honestly rather eat the weird alien egg gluten free bites (review coming soon!) than try a little of this, and that's really saying something.

Peynirli Kremali Sandvic Kraker

Product: Peynirli Kremali Sandvic Kraker (Sandwich Crackers with Cheese Cream)
Origin: Turkey

First Looks

Nick:
I don't really have a good feeling about these; I don't like cream cheese, and they kind of smell like a mix between peanut butter and regular butter, which isn't terribly appealing. I think Katie might end up having to eat most of these.

Katie:
I agree with Nick's assessment of the peanut butter smell. The buttery smell reminds me of Ritz crackers. I hope these are good!

Post-bite Thoughts

Nick:
Wow, I do not care for these in the least. The cracker part is okay, but the filling is really weird; it's "cheese" (I feel like I need to use quotes) that tastes like the fakest, cheapest product you can imagine. It's like if a chef told a bunch of malfunctioning robots who don't know anything about tastes or cheese to make a cheese product, and this is what they came up with. Pretty nasty.

Katie:
When I was a kid, we went to Disney World and got Cheese Whiz for some reason, eating it off some Ritz crackers (or squirting it into each other's mouths when our parents weren't looking). These crackers taste like that time my little brother and I were sitting in our hotel room at the Caribbean Beach Hotel, eating Cheese Whiz.

Aw man, now I want to go to Disney World.

Mango gum

Product: Hi-Chew Mango gum
Origin: Taiwan (via a Japanese company)

First looks

Katie:
Abstaining again. I don't like gum. Sorry everyone.  We reviewed gum from this company before.

Greg thinks he's getting some

Nick:
I really liked the texture of this gum with the last pack we tried, and it was the peach flavor I didn't like that doomed it to the donation pile; this time I think the flavor's going to be good, so I have high hopes. I took a sniff of the gum log and it's very intense melon. Writing this blog sure does lead me to type some odd sentences.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
One time, my hamburger took a bite out of ME. I got nothing.

Nick:
Man, this stuff is thick. You need to chew it down from its heavy, tough log form into what feels like more traditional gum. Actually, this seems less like gum than a log-shaped Starburst, honestly; you start out having to work at chewing it, and you eventually work it down into a soft little residue before swallowing it. Maybe I can trick Katie into trying one if I pitch it like that.
As for the taste, it's quite nice - it's a little more banana/pineapple than I would have expected in mango-flavored gum, but it's pretty good. I'm going to eat the whole pack unless I can get you know who to try some.
(Update: She did not try some ;_; )

Bonus Episode: Bear Wizz Root Beer

Product: Bear Wizz Root Beer
Origin: Lake George, NY

First looks

Katie:
Another product with motherflipping bees on it. Nick kindly poured me a glass so at least I don't have to think about drinking bees. Okay, moving on. We are unwittingly supporting local soda brewers (can you brew soda? Let's pretend you can so it sounds better) and picked this up at Price Chopper for the name. Lake George is nearish to us and many people from the larger area go there for the Great Escape theme park, a few water parks, the actual lake, and the Fort William Henry museum. When I went years ago, they fired cannons and I also guess none of this was about the actual root beer.

Nick:
Katie, thanks for that book report. I'm going to focus more on the name; I just can't picture myself going "Hey honey, if you're getting up, can I have a nice cold bottle of Bear Wizz?" I know that the name was picked to be cute and memorable, but can we not? We don't need to be overrun with Rabbit Turd™ Brand Raisins or Elk Shit Nut Clusters® or whatever. I recognize that we only got this because of the name, but I feel like limiting your market to people who run snarky snack blogs isn't the wisest decision.


Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
Oh you want digression, Mr. Nick? I'll give you digression. Billions of years ago, the universe began. All the matter in the universe was formed in the first few minutes. Eventually, planets began to form from accretion disks...after another long, long time, the first lifeforms--simple single-cell organisms--made the oceans their home. *1 hour later* And that's how babies are born. Babies that grow up to make root beer that is actually pretty good despite the ursa urine name. It's not as creamy vanilla as A&W but nowhere near as "spicy" as other root beers. I vote pick up a case when you're looking for some root beer and a fun way to nicely troll friends by asking if they want some bear wizz (Also, I always thought it was spelled 'whiz'.  Also also, who remembers when Dick's was above The Wiz at Crossgates Mall?)

Nick:
If you think about it, it's kind of amazing that the Big Bang and the formation of all life on earth eventually lead to something that tastes as boring as this root beer. This is perfectly fine root beer; think of any root beer (except Barq's, that stuff is weird) and this tastes like that, except more boring. It's fine; I'll probably polish it off with some pizza one of these days. I guess the creators chose the name to be interesting and stand out; it's not a good sign when what's on the outside of the bottle is more interesting than what's inside. On the upside, it really does taste fine, and I get to type sentences I never thought I would like "I guess I expected more from Bear Wizz".

Strawberry roll cake

Product: Yaokin Roll Cake Ichigo Kurimu
Origin: Vietnam

First looks

Nick:
Oh boy. I like Swiss rolls (another kind of roll cake with vanilla filling instead of strawberry frosting) but I don't like strawberry, so I was like "If the strawberry flavor is nice and subtle I'm sure I'll like this" and then I opened the package and the super strong fake strawberry smell came bursting out, pillaging as it went. I don't think I'm going to like this at all. At least it's small - two horrible bites and it will be gone and we can all get on with our lives.

Katie:
First off, Nick has, on two separate occasions, liked something with strawberries in it. So he's only saying he doesn't like it because of his deep-seated strawberry bias. I think it's going to taste fine. A strawberry on its own I could see Nick disliking but strawberries are perfectly fine dipped in chocolate or smothered in whipped cream. As I'm typing this, Nick commented "So you just like strawberries as a delivery mechanism for other food? You could just eat chocolate!".  I'm also to add "he's so cool, powerful, and attractive".

Best picture of Nick I could find

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
Not bad. Barely any strawberry taste. It's like that dessert with the angel food cake, whipped cream, and strawberries that probably has a name but I can't think of it and my Google finger is broken. Cute little dessert snack to eat in a bite. You can pretend you're at a fancy restaurant and this is your amuse-bouche.

Nick:
I have no idea how something with so little taste generated such a powerful odor; these things barely taste like anything at all, including strawberry. They're like a little angel food cake roll if angel food cake didn't taste like anything, and instead of a spongy texture it just vanishes. I think my mouth fell asleep eating this. I guess boring is better than bad, so, uh, below average job instead of terrible, which I guess to be fair is better than I was expecting.

Bonus Episode: Watermelon Pop-Tarts

Product: Jolly Rancher Watermelon flavored Pop-Tarts
Origin: USA

First looks

Nick:
I'm a bit worried about these. I like pop-tarts and I like watermelon jolly ranchers, but I don't know that the two of them are going to really go together too well. I like savory pop-tarts (s'mores, oreoes, coffee, vanilla) and I'm not sure how the fruit taste is going to work inside a pop-tart. Then again they do make regular fruit pop tarts, so who knows?

Katie:
I used to really like the old Apple Cinnamon flavor so fruit-based Tarts should be fine. I can't imagine eating these heated up--I was going to say who heats fruit then remembered it's a thing to grill fruit in cooking competitions on tv now. I'm hoping for the normal fake watermelon flavor that Jolly Ranchers have. The green frosting on top reminds me of Ecto Cooler (shout-out to all my 80s and 90s kids...friends).

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
I'm afraid for once my pre-bite thoughts were spot on: I don't like these very much. They have a strong watermelon jolly rancher smell, but when you actually take a bite, the subtle flavoring of the dough really clashes with the weak watermelon flavor. I think there needed to be more filling, or the filling needed to have more of a taste; the combination doesn't work for me and makes me just want to go out and have a regular watermelon jolly rancher or a s'mores pop tart. By the way, Katie, I dare you to put two of these in the toaster and try them hot.

Katie:
I concede my colleague's point about the dough clashing with the watermelon center but I actually thought the middle of the Pop Tart was fine...maybe not as good as brown sugar cinnamon or the cookie dough ones we used to put in the freezer.  I think the optimal way to eat these would be to forego the crust part. Know how a lot of kids--and adults--won't eat the crust on a sandwich? It's like that but with a Pop Tart. I used to exclusively eat them that way until I leveled up into adulthood and had to spend my own money. Now, I force myself to eat the crappy crust part before I can enjoy the sweet gooey center. Same reason why I eat my burger first then the fries at McD's...you save the best for last to end the meal on a good note. And shush up McD's detractors, McD's is good. They wouldn't have a billionty restaurants if no one liked their food.
PS I am not taking that dare.