When life gives you lemons, make popcorn

Product: Glazed Popcorn--Refreshing Lemonade
Origin: USA

First looks

Katie:
I like lemonade, but lemonade popcorn? I'm not sure I've ever had those two things at the same time in my life. I can't even imagine what these are going to taste like. Even if they taste like delicious lemonade, isn't the texture of the popcorn going to clash?
I don't have a good feeling about this.

Nick:
(Open on Munchpak HQ)
"Hey, boss!" the Munchpak employee hollered. "We got a problem here!"
"What is it?"
"Fucko didn't like our mixed nuts we sent him!"
"Oh, yeah?" the boss swiveled in her chair. "What was wrong with them?"
"Not interesting enough!"
"Is that so!" She flipped the glass case over a huge, red button open. "Well, I got something real interesting for him!"
"Boss, are you sure -" But too late, as her hand SLAMS down on the red button. Klaxons scream and red lights flash over the control room as far below a vault door hisses open, steam cascading out of the forbidden crypt where the lemonade popcorn is kept. Both employees cackle, their faces looming hellishly large in the flashing emergency lighting, as the lemonade popcorn is wrestled by mind-wiped nulls in hazmat suits into a cardboard munchpak.
I don't think I have a good feeling about this either.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
I'm torn. I think the lemonade flavor is actually pretty good but I don't care for the popcorn underneath. As I foresaw, the two just don't go together. Maybe it's that I'm not into non-hot popcorn. I think the lemonade flavoring would work better on a puffed rice/corn ball or as a whacky rice cake flavor. But what does our popcorn aficionado think?

Nick:
Absolutely fucking disgusting. This doesn't taste like lemonade; it tastes like sour lemon glaze slapped on top of stale popcorn. I'm offended both as a popcorn fan and as a basic human being with rights this snack does not recognize. If they're trying to get me to beg for more mixed nuts instead of this, well, I'll admit, I almost broke, but I'm stronger than this snack, which is saying something since it's pretty stale honestly. Bleck. Shame on you, Kathy Kaye. I can't believe she calls herself a popcorn fan on the back of the bag. Who knows what this poor popcorn might have been before Kathy Kaye got her mitts on it and turned it into this disaster? F-.

And now, for the most exotic food of them all...

We're going to break with our traditional format and not reveal what amazing, exotic, hard-to-find product we were sent just yet. In keeping with the best television specials, please enjoy 55 minutes of padding and commercials while we promise and tease the big reveal.

Product: Mixed fucking nuts you can get anywhere?????

Pre-bite thoughts

Nick:
Uh... am I missing something? These are just nuts. Like, you can go to the grocery store and get a Planter's jar full of nuts. What are you doing, Munchpak? We didn't sign up to get random items you can get in any gas station. You know what, maybe the label is a misprint and there's something else in here, because if this is just NUTS, I'm not going to be pleased. Seriously - this better not just be mixed nuts you can get anywhere, because why you'd sign up for a subscription box that gives you mixed fucking nuts, the world's most widely available snack, I have no idea. What's in the next box, bottled water? Get your shit together, Munchpak! Y'all looking bush league out here with this naff snack!

Katie:
Coming soon to a bottle near you...water. Each morning, dozens of mustachioed men stand in our authentic vineyard to collect the dew on their mustaches. Each hair is then finely combed into reclaimed containers then shipped by dogs in bespoke outfits on artisanal bicycles pedaled by those flat-faced cats directly to Whole Foods, then on to you.
We don't contaminate our water with filtration systems or requiring the mustache men to take showers, because that's what Big Pharma would want us to do. Our water comes straight to you...from nature.*
*Water taken from municipal system.

Post-bite thoughts

YUP. Peanuts with salt on them you can get
literally anywhere. Only Munchpak could
bring us this exciting and exotic snack!!!111

Nick:
I don't know, guys. Is it time to shut this blog down? I mean, we must have tried every interesting snack in the world if we're getting mixed fucking nuts in a munchpak now, right? I mean, what's left to try? Unpopped popcorn? The alternative is that Munchpak's lost the plot. Mixed fuckin' nuts. Get your act together, guys. Embarrassing.

Katie:
More like...mixed butts.

Belgian Butters

Product: Almond things with ginger orange
Origin: Belgium

First looks

Katie:
All right, it's Belgium at the plate! Belgium has had a good OBP with us so here's hoping they hit it out of the park again this time (because baseball references don't sound weird in January, right?). You can see the little orange and ginger slices in the cracker, which could be good or bad. I'm not sure I smell much but--and this is breaking kayfabe--I tried something really spicy before this so my nose is yelling "NOPE" at the mo. I'm very optimistic about these even though ginger hardly has a good track record with us.

Nick:
If you literally stick your nose in the bag there's a vague smell of butter cookie. I'm a little worried about these; it seems kind of lazy just schwaking almond parts, orange peel and ginger slices into your cookies. Mash that stuff up, Belgium! I don't have high hopes for these. Prove me wrong.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
Delicious! They are heavily on the crunchy side but it's fine. Neither the ginger or orange taste dominates the cracker and it doesn't taste too nutty either. It's a good balance of sweet, nutty, ginger, and orange. If anything, there could be a skosh more orange in there but maybe that would throw off the balance. I'm mentally trying to guess if Nick liked them because he hasn't said anything. What do you think, class? Will Nick like it these?

Nick:
Ahhhh... it's all right. Sure enough it's a orange and ginger flavored butter cookie. I could do without the ginger, which doesn't really add anything; the taste is fine, I'm just not real big butter cookie fan. I guess the only real complaint I have is the texture, which as Katie noted is very hard. The little almond chunks inside are even tougher than the cookie, and running across one is a bit of an unwelcome surprise. Get out of here, almonds. You're not wanted here! Otherwise, they're just all right. Ol' doesn't really like butter cookies boy, they call me.

PS from Katie: Nobody calls you that.

Animal Crackers (not) in my soup

Product: Biscuits-Milk Flavor
Origin: Taiwan

First looks

Nick:
Aw, these are so cute! I got a cat with the I symbol of the Holy Inquisition from WH40K on its forehead, a goat of some kind, a worried pig, and a yelling cat with human teeth that's actually kind of creepy, so that one's going to get eaten first. Taste-wise, who knows; they smell quite buttery, so we'll see. I'm not getting a milk scent at all, maybe you're supposed to dip it in milk? I'm too lazy for that.

Katie:
These are adorable!  I think they're even cuter than those koala cookies from way back. I almost feel bad eating these and hope they're going to taste better than the animal crackers here. I mean our animal crackers aren't barren wastelands devoid of taste and excitement but they're certainly...foodlike.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
Very tasty! For once the smell matches the taste; light and buttery crackers with just a little bit of salt. Way better than American animal crackers. I'll happily eat the whole bag.

Katie:
I agree, way better than the American animal crackers.  Excellent job, Taiwan. I hope we get these again in a future box.

Return to Traverse City

Product: Great Lakes Potato Chip Co.--Parmesan Ranch
Origin: Traverse City, Michigan

First looks

Nick:
Parmesan... ranch? I'm not quite sure I understand the flavor pairing here. Katie likes both flavors, so maybe she'll know if these go together. Honestly, I'm not too excited about these; they smell like vague salt, and that's literally putting my nose directly on a chip to try and figure out what they're going to taste like. The best I'm hoping for is that these are less disgusting than the buffalo chips we had from this company, and those were one of the most disgusting things I've tried, so a pretty low bar for these to clear, I think.

Katie:
As I said in the Mark Buffalo review, the chips would have been better if they were a different flavor and now it's time to test that hypothesis. Who knows, maybe I'll have an elegant potato chip string theory to present in post-bite thoughts. *cue the Provost speech about string theory from the Alpha Centauri game*.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
A brave little theory - and actually quite coherent for a system of five or seven dimensions. If only we lived in one! (pause for applause)
Anyway, these chips are okay; I definitely don't taste ranch at all. The main flavor is salt, and then some kind of sharp taste that I guess is supposed to be the Parmesan, but honestly, you could tell me these are salt and vinegar chips and I'd believe that over Parmesan ranch. That being said, they're not bad; I don't think I'd go out and get more, but I'll finish the bag at least. Way better than the buffalo chips.

Katie:
I was right, these are good. Reminds me of sour cream and onion. As Nick said, I'm not sure I pick up the parm or ranch really but the taste is good nonetheless. I also appreciate that these are kettle chips, which--for me--last better in the bag than regular potato chips. Inevitably, I always find these weird, nearly translucent mushy ones in the bottom of the bag when it's regular chips. Kettle chips are nice and crunchy without going strange in the bag. Definitely grab this flavor over the buffalo one if you see these out and about.

Fudge

Product: Mieszko Fudge Classic
Origin: Poland

First looks

Katie:
The candy is about the size of a tootsie roll, but longer and thicker. It feels firm with a little give to it. I hope this isn't going to be as mouth-destructive as the English toffee was!  I'm looking forward to trying this even though I can't remember eating fudge ever in my life. What is fudge anyway?

Nick:
This doesn't look anything like fudge; it seems more like milk toffee, down to the picture of the cow on the wrapping. I just hope it's not too chewy. I would assume it's going to taste good, so I guess I'm only worried about the texture. Don't let me down, Polish cartoon cow!

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
Delicious! The texture is nice and soft, no grit or chewiness either. It's sweet without being over the top. If all fudge is like this, I think found a new thing to enjoy. I especially like the individually wrapped pieces so I don't feel like I have to eat all of it before it goes bad. Excellent job on the fudge, Poland.

Nick:
If this is fudge, I've really been missing out on fudge my whole life. This stuff is absolutely delicious; it doesn't taste like fudge to me, more like a really nice light milky caramel, and like Katie said it's very nice and sweet without being over the top or too rich. The bag yells "SOFT" and it is indeed nice and soft with a slightly crumbly interior. I went back for seconds. I'd definitely get more of this. Nice job, Poland!

Jelly Tots

Product: Jelly Tots
Origin: England

First looks

Nick:
So, not jelly BABIES, no, these are Jelly Tots, you see. Actually, on the bag they look more like some kind of weird fungus. Jelly fungus. I'm thinking these are going to be standard, sugar-coated, "fruit" flavored gummies, but there's something just a little weird about these; maybe it's the half a ton of sugar that came pouring out of the bag when I opened it, or the way the bag baldly states "The rhyme never said Humpty Dumpty was an egg", which, I guess, they're not wrong? Huh.

Katie:
I think Nick had Jelly Babies before so I'm curious to see how they'll measure up. Just wondering though, shouldn't Jelly Babies be the small ones and Jelly Tots be the ones that look like kids? Cause babies are, you know, infants...and these look like fungal seed pods so...you know what, I'm going to stop me there.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
Eeeeeeeeenhhhhhhhhhh. Kinda like Skittles, but not as good. About the only nice thing I can say is that the green is lime instead of disgusting green apple; otherwise, they're like slightly chewy Skittles. I don't really care for the purple flavor; if it's grape it's no kind of grape, real or fake, I've ever tasted. Probably something goofy like PASSIONBERRY. It's not too good. I think I might just eat the yellow and green ones and toss the rest in the trash. I mean, the bin. (that's how British people say the trash)

Katie:
They sound pretty naff to me, something only a numpty would like.

Snow White and The Seven Dinosaurs

So the dinosaur is mining this candy?
Is this candy 65 million years old? What's the deal here?

Product: Stone Age candy by Lotte
Origin: Korea

First looks

Katie:
The candy looks like little pebbles, hence the name. It's a cute idea. I haven't seen candy shaped like this before, but I'm sadly not well-versed in candy outside of M&Ms, Skittles, Starburst, and other similar sweets. My guess is that they're sort of like the Easter eggs with the hard candy outside and a chocolate inside.

Nick:
Hey, wait a minute - I think these are just the chocolate rocks from TCBY! I've never had these not on watermelon sherbert or cookies and cream yogurt, but I'm expecting a basic chocolate competency.

Post-bite thoughts

Hand-picked by dinosaurs

Katie:
I think these weren't bad at all. I think I mention how I'm not into chocolate that much like, every flipping review, but I want to be fair! If I already come into a food not loving an ingredient, I should be transparent.
Back to my review. It was a good little pebble of candy-coated chocolate. Pick these up if you see them and you like that sort of thing. Also, there's a dinosaur on it. Dinosaurs are awesome. The only time I ever got a science fair award was in kindergarten for my poster of dinosaur figures on which I wrote the name of each dinosaur so I know what I'm talking about.

Nick:
Quite good! These are very light, flaky, crumbly, milky chocolate with the candy shell. The bag isn't too big, and I feel like this is perfect for slaking a chocolate craving without going overboard. Kinda reminds me of Easter candy with nice high quality chocolate. Nice job, Korea! Nice job, dinosaur whose butt I hope these didn't come out of! No, they're rocks, right? Chocolate rocks? I don't know, I'm not sold on the concept, but the taste is great.

Battle of the German Hazelnut wafers

Product: Knoppers Milk Hazelnut Wafer
Origin: Germany

First looks

Katie:
Brenda got these for us and I'm curious to see how they stack up against the other German hazelnut wafers we tried. The wafer is layered, looking like a s'more to me. The hazelnut scent is pretty strong but I hope it's not as rich as Nutella because that is hard for me to eat more than a morsel of. I know people love it and I'm not saying it's bad, it's just intense.
Feeling optimistic about this.

Nick:
Wow, Katie's not kidding about the intense hazelnut scent. I guess I'm not sure what else I was expecting. The other wafers were more like a sandwich and this seems more like a big, very expensive wafer cookie. I'm sure it will be delicious either way.

Post-bite thoughts

Katie:
Not bad! I think there's one more layer of hazelnut than I'd prefer but I could see a hazelnut fan really loving this. The milk helps tone down the hazelnut flavoring and balance it out. I think the other hazelnut wafers were better but these are good too. Thanks, Brenda!

Nick:
These are great! I guess I have a higher hazelnut tolerance than Katie because I really enjoyed this. I agree that the milk makes this a little less hazelnut-intense than the other product, but if you don't like hazelnut you'll want to stay far away from these as it's pretty powerful. I would definitely get more of these. Thanks Brenda! If anyone else wants to get their name in our blog, bring us delicious German hazelnut chocolate products!

PS from Katie: Or, you know, delicious homemade spaghetti sauce

Mark Buffalo chips

Product: Great Lakes Potato Chips--Buffalo Wing flavor
Origin: Traverse City, Michigan

First looks

Nick:
I don't like the taste of buffalo wings, so I'm a little nervous, but then again half this stuff never tastes anything like what it's supposed to anyway, so, might be good? It smells like vague spice, so I'm not too optimistic. Our state touches the Great Lakes, so hopefully I'll be pleased and have something nice to say.

Katie:
At first glance, they look like standard potato chips with a very light dusting of reddish flavoring. The scent is of potato-y salt, which leads me to presuppose these will not be terribly tasty. Perhaps Traverse City and its proud potato processing will surprise me and I'll happily embrace these chips in post-bites. See you on the other side, reader.

Post-bite thoughts

Nick:
OHHHHHHHHHH MY GOD these are terrible. Katie got the top-most four chips in the bag without too much flavoring, but I got one thickly encrusted with nasty, vaguely tomato, burning ass sweat. Awful. I don't have a single good thing to say about this except maybe I managed to quickly swallow it without having to spit it in the garbage while crying. Very, very bad.

Katie:
Oh gosh, I'll find one good thing to say about it--I liked the crunch.  If this had been any other flavor--bbq or ranch--I would have probably liked these. As it is, I've learned that I really, really do not like buffalo. I do, however, enjoy Mark Ruffalo. Maybe if they were Mark Ruffalo's chips and tasted as good as his dreamy eyes look?